#1183 April 14, 2008 Eisenhower Ave Metro

Hares: Pay Per View, Knee Deep Pussy High, Bob Loblaw, Taster’s Choice
Virgins: Just Kristin, Just Maria, Just Stephanie
Visitors: Just Carrie – EWH3, Just Chip – NYC & Yuma, Cocktail – San Diego Humpin’ H3
Brew Crew: Please Step Away From The Whores, Blows A Tranny
Beer Bitch: A Salt My Ass
Analversaries: Silver Spooge – 25, Jefe Lengua – 25, Please Step Away From The Whores - 200
Long Time No Seers: Please Step Away From The Whores, 3 Holer, Little Cock That Won’t
OnOnOn: Ted’s Montana Grill

Pursuant to Article 37 of the out of court settlement that I, Gay Guy Counter, executed with Blank Shot Up The Ass, the following disclaimer is issued (by the way, don’t ask about Articles 1 through 36. The court record is sealed, and nobody shall ever (and I mean EVER) discuss the terms of those Articles, as it would bring shame to my family for generations to come. I’m not kidding. It involves farm animals and video cameras.):

It shall be known to all parties that the author of the Hash Trash is not responsible or legally liable for the hysterical accuracy (or lack thereof) of said document. The Hash Trash will, in this and all future issuances, be regarded as a memoir and not as a verifiable record of fact. Further, the author of the Hash Trash will not be liable for any amount of slander, half-truths, degrading comments, or libel perpetrated in the name of a good story.

Now that we’re done with that little matter, let’s talk about this week’s trail! We love spring because it gives us just a small, but ever pleasant glimpse of what summer will bring. That includes pleasant rainfalls, trails with a little shiggy, and treacherous, death defying water crossings. At the opening circle, 57 intrepid hashers (including 3 very hard core virgins) gathered to enjoy a perfect, rainy, muddy mess of a hash. By the end circle, we were still 22 strong. A few losses were inevitable, but I think it was a good showing. Seriously, we went out for a run, and then one day, it started to rain. There was little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. I even thought about buying a shrimpin’ boat. We all got wet, which is good when we’re with your mom, but not the best when it’s just rain and polluted river water. So, during an unofficial hypothermia hash, there was plenty of time for stupidity, and the pack took full advantage. On on to violations.

Violations:
3 Holer: Carrying an umbrella on trail. Yeah, a steel-shafted lightning rod is a good idea in a thunderstorm. That’s safe…ty third.
Just Kristin: Alcohol abandonment at the beer check. Just Kristin might have been trying to save her beer for later when she dropped a half-full cup into the mug bin.
Knee Deep Pussy High: Haring her namesake trail. The whole thing was both knee deep and pussy high.
Dildo Shaggins: Unfair hash advantage, using her boobs to float across the river.
Bob Loblaw: Judging by the shiner on Knee Deep, he apparently decided to take their relationship to the next level.
Slip Knot: Impersonating the Kool Aid pitcher guy.
3 Holer: Stole the brew crew’s map in an attempt to hijack I’d Tap That.
Dyke Tyson: Complained about having wet nasty stuff dripping between her legs. Wasn’t me. That would have been her face!
Bob Loblaw: Perilous river crossing on trail. Safety third!
Gay Guy Counter: Apparently has only had sex 19 times, and is advertising for the next opportunity with a t-shirt that reads “DC Hunt 20”.
Penis Penpal: Materialism on trail. He avoided the river crossing because he didn’t want to lose his class ring.
Belching Semen: Went down (almost acceptable) in the river, and saved only her car key from submersion. Safety third!
Wookin Pa Nub: Got cut off from drinking at the hash. I mean we stopped letting him having beer. Really? How does that happen?
Cocktail: Willing to hash in Fallujah, but isn’t man enough for a little water on trail.
A Salt My Ass: Volunteered to be the test case for the eagle trail crossing.


The Hash Shit was not present. If you read the summary of Article 37 of the aforementioned out of court settlement, you know that Blank Shot Up The Ass doesn’t have the Hash Shit. As it turns out, neither does Wookin’ Pa Nub. At least he didn’t have it at the hash this week. So it is apparently Wookin’ Pa Nub who has abducted the hash shit, and left it in a well in his basement, and says things like “it puts the lotion on it’s plunger” Let’s hope he brings it back next week so we can give it to some other idiot.

After that, it was ononon to Ted’s Montana Grill. They loved us and gave us quite decent service. However, it seemed like the hares didn’t expect this to be a great on-after, as Knee Deep Pussy High and Bob Loblaw went straight home after the hash. The portion of the relationship where they have frequent sex is long gone, so we assume they hurried home to make a little progress on their respective needlepoint projects. I’m waiting for my sweater, and Dyke Tyson is looking forward to a new scarf for next winter.

On On,
Gay Guy Counter