#1183 April 13, 2008 Fairfax

Hares: Motormouth, Dial F For Faggot, Legs Over Easy
Virgins: Just Allison
Visitors: Just Maggie – DFW, Boxy Pussy – Transplant, Fiber Opdick – Carolina Trash, Big Head Small Cock – EWH3 (yeah, I know. It wasn't my idea)
Brew Crew: Shamrock Your Cock, Louisville Sucker
Beer Bitch: Presidential Nasty
Analversaries: None.
Long Time No Seers: None.
OnOnOn: John’s Place

Ah, Fairfax. The land of our brethren of the SHIT Hash. The land of the NRA. The land of wide open spaces. For those of you who don’t already know, according to its official website, the city of Fairfax Virginia is a 20,000 resident suburb located about 20 minutes from Washington, DC. I want to know what lying sack of shit made that up. Let me tell you, that trek was more than 20 minutes, and I don’t even live in DC. Somebody should be hanged for revisionism, I think. Anyway, those of us who decided to take the day trip arose at dawn, readied our traveling supplies, and headed out west. Upon our arrival, we were met by hare razors Motormouth and Dial F For Faggot, and their trusty sidekick Legs Over Easy. They promised shiggy. We got shiggy. They promised we’d need dry shoes. We needed dry shoes. They promised a shot check. We went thirsty. Bummer. Seems like the hares didn’t want the shot check to be stolen out of the car. Well, nobody stole the shot check. Know what else didn’t happen to the shot check? The runners didn’t get the shot check. That’s ‘cuz it was locked up. In the car. Very secure. I’m talking Alcatraz here. Punishment was arranged for the hares. Take it from me. Fail to deliver on a shot check promise, and you will sit on ice. After not getting the shot check on trail, the pack went on to its normal amount of stupidity. Let’s review. On on to violations.

Violations:
Tooth Fairy: Said he’d be really angry if he came all the way to Fairfax for a 3 hour pavement pounding, but the trip would be considered a success if it was a 3 hour ass pounding.
Just Allison: Ashamed of being startled by a call of “on-on”, Just Allison expressed concern that her hash name would include the word “pussy.” Let’s not forget that one, okay?
Tranny In Training: Complained that he hadn’t seen so much sludge since he was knee deep in an asian hooker.
Runner Hares: Perilous descent into tunnels. Safety third!
The Pimp Of Sarajevo: Going to Paris to take care of two pussies. Considering the Euro to Dollar exchange, isn’t that like four U.S. pussies?
Meat Lover: Said the secret for her getting through tunnels was having her pants at her knees. That’s more likely to get someone else into a tunnel.
Follow The Bleeder: Not taking care of business at home. One Girl Two Cups had to go to Dairy Queen (the place, not the hasher) to get a cup filled with chocolate.
Cock A Doodle Do Me: Bi-Curious. She wants to borrow a pussy to see if she likes having one around.
A Salt My Ass: For being a cheap bastard and trying to convince girls that a hash is a date.
Back Snatch: Kevin Bacon impression complete with denim jacket and popped collar.


The Hash Shit was not present. The Hash Shit was last seen with Blank Shot Up The Ass. If you or anyone you know has seen either the Hash Shit or Blank Shot Up The Ass, please contact the authorities. The Hash Shit is feared to be in grave danger, since it went missing in early March of this year. To date, milk carton photos have produced no leads. An Amber Alert (more like a Brown Alert, really) has been issued. If you see Blank Shot Up The Ass, do not approach him. He is believed to be unarmed and intoxicated.

Additionally, we were informed that someone called the police. Apparently, we’re the most menacing thing that’s happened in Fairfax this decade. That’s right; we’re all hardened (at least hard) criminals. So, we didn’t name anyone.

From there, it was ononon to John’s Place. The locals didn’t seem concerned by our presence, and the service was more than adequate. In fact, our wait staff did a great job.

On On,
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