#1157 November 4, 2007 Van Porn Metro

Hares: Jackoff Lantern, Rambutt, Snatchatory Rape, Gay Guy Counter, Read My Lips

Virgins: Just Craig

Visitors: None. Apparently, nobody from out of town wanted to visit our hash. Note to hashers: start hooking up with foreigner strangers.

Brew Crew: Takes It Up The Ehhh, Hot Lunch

Beer Bitch: Just Jess

Analversaries: None.

Long Time No Seers: Takes It Up The Ehhh, Little Red Ride Me Good, Horn Blower, Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

OnOnOn: Charlie Chiang’s

Okay, let me be very clear. I’m not biased or anything, but wasn’t that the BEST TRAIL EVER? Oh, yes it was. (Best trail? Did everyone get laid on trail? Did anyone find a pot of gold on trail? Did anyone find any mythological creatures? Even a prostitute midget will do. What's that? No. Hmmm, I'm not sure about it being the best trail EVER.) There were streams, tunnels, streams, shiggy, multiple water crossings, and even a few tunnels. It was a brisk day in Alexandria, and the pack was treated to not one, but TWO SHOT CHECKS! (side note to future hares, listerine does not count as a shot) Even the walkers got a shot check of their very own. However, it might be noteworthy that while all the runners were enjoying Rambutt’s sweet, tight pussy, the walkers shot was so good that Dairy Queen exclaimed “Just because it’s all booze doesn’t mean it has to be ICKY!” I guess he should have tried runner's trail instead of the walker's trail. And if that wasn’t enough, we were visited by a special long time no seer when we arrived at the beer check. It was none other than Shitty Shitty Bang Bang. Shitty was even kind enough to bring Guinness as a special beer check treat for all the hashers to enjoy. Not long after that, we even had a chance to visit the local swimmin’ hole. Ask Trojan about that the next time you see him. Did I say this trail was AWEsome? I mean some as in most people were in AWE of this trail.

True to hash form there was also stupidity. Thank God we got at least some of it on record. Here, for your reading pleasure are the violations!

Violations:

Tabletop Bouncer: Wearing a shirt that indicates the Hash gets a piece, and failing to do her part to make dreams come true. For those of you who are little slow and hung over, this means she didn't put out. Doh!

Hares: For exposing everyone on trail to drug resistant staphylococcus infections. I see "I <3 bacteria" shirts in the near future.

Just Jenn: Wanted to know about Safety Third. We offered to let her find out first hand. Then, just in the nick of time A Salt My Ass decided to save her, and take the violation for her. I for one am glad chivalry is not dead. Too bad it's young, drunk, and very misguided.

Winn Dickme: Asked whose house we were near during the beer check. Upon hearing that it was Jackoff Lantern’s place, she pointed out that she’d been there but had never seen it in daylight.

Jackoff Lantern: Too cheap to buy a kegerator, so he keeps Shitty Shitty Bang Bang in his driveway.

Bad Ditch: (Mis)quoted on trail saying “I’m just trying to keep my pussy dry.” There really is a first time for everything in the hash.

Jeffe Lengua: Managed to get stabbed in the nut on trail. Good thing God gave you two. Safety Third!

Gay Guy Counter: Abuse of haring power. He went on the walker's trail so he could do all three shot checks.

Jack Off Lantern & Red Eye Vagina: There was some fiasco about Jackoff Lantern doing a swan dive into the water and trying to blame Red Eye Vagina. By the time it was all over, we decided they both needed a drink.

Hash Shit:

Takes It Up The Ehhh Had the Hash Shit because he left trash in I’d Tap That following the hash a couple of weeks ago. Somebody else was bound to do something dumb to take it from him. Here are those who tried:

Takes It Up The Ehhh: One more week.

Snap Crackle Poop: Mug freezing fetish

Dairy Queen: Scored a touchdown with Knee Deep’s formerly frozen mug, shattering it in the middle of the circle

Rambutt: For refusing to drink for one of the “All Hares Drink” violations.

Dirty Dog: Made the mistake of combining top shelf whiskey with rock gut whiskey. Apparently this is a great combination if you want to end up wetting the bed.

Red Eye Vagina: For insisting that Jackoff Lantern’s swan dive was none of his doing.

And your winner is…Rambutt

And then we were all treated to another slice of awesome when we decided to name Just Jess. Just Jess is an alumnus of Rochester Institute of Technology, and happens to be married to Just Axel (Sorry, guys). She tells us that on their wedding night, she was more than a little upset that she was perfectly sober, while Just Axel was not. So, Just Jess told Just Axel that she wasn’t going to have sex with him until he was sober. She then proceeded to work on sobering up her new husband by ordering immense amounts of food from Domino’s. Just Jess is apparently rather loud when she’s having sex, and rather than claiming one favorite position, she prefers to do it decathlon style; changing positions faster than an indy car pit crew changes tires. With all this ammunition and more, the following names were suggested:

Not Tonight

I Heart Whiskey Dick

Cheesy Crust

Cuntortionist

Honey Moaner

30 Minutes or Free

Cheesy Crust

Ready In Time

Stuffed Crust

But then we named her…MEAT LOVER!!!

By the way, I think we should all “bone up” on the details of Meat Lover’s naming, as some of this may prove useful if we ever get around to naming Just Axel.

From there, it was ononon to Charlie Chiang’s, where we enjoyed a great buffet. The drink specials were good, the buffet was awesome (like the trail), and the massages all included a happy ending. Sorry you missed it. By the way, notable quotes from the ononon are:

“I prefer penis”

-Snatchatory Rape, when asked if she was present with the girl who apparently occupied her bed the night before.

“We do the 6 to get the 9. If there was a position called ‘give me a blowjob’ we’d be happy to do just that.”

-Motormouth, discussing the merits of 69.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter with assistance from Cock A Doodle Do Me