#1121 April 15, 2007

#1121 April 15, 2007

Location: Lubber Run Park, Arlington

Hares: Lumberjack Off, Greenpiece of Ass, Jack Off Lantern

OnOnOn: El Ranchero

Virgins: Just Tracy and Just Matthew

Visitors: Fu King Lawyer, transplant from North Carolina Trash

Beer Bitch: Trojan

Guest Scribe: Blows A Tranny

Mother Earth didn't disappoint us on this Sunday's shitty Earth Day trail -- we got tastes of all Her elements -- Water, Earth, Wind and um, more Water. I showed up to find the hares mixing flour. Ever mindful of my hareraiser duties, I reminded him that trails in rainstorms are best pre-laid. That way you have a built in excuse when your trail sucks: "But it rained, what was I supposed to do?" But they opted to live-hare and thus were forced to take full responsibility for the trail. Ah well, next time they'll know.

Filling in for Hash Cash was Golder Showers, or was that Backdoor Buckaroo? Either way, killer hat. I'm going to make a note to arrive early for more trails, because you get to see some funny stuff. Queerly I'm Straight showed up in a suit and trenchcoat and and told everyone he was dressed that way because he was looking at condos that morning, as though that explained anything. Runway Snatch informed us that she wasn't planning on coming, but ran into Butt Brown Ale and Can't Fuck Dust having brunch. Eager to play down the "man date" angle, they brought Runway to the hash instead of keeping their previous plans of cuddling on the sofa by the fireplace. Lastly, Knee Deep Pussy High showed off her 80s-era goretex running jacket, but complained that there was something wrong because she was "wet on the inside." Sounds like everything's working fine to me, nudge nudge.

Onto the trail. The pack was rather small. Maybe it was the weather, or maybe because this Earth Day hash wasn't metro-accessible, and the buses run on a 4-hour schedule on Sundays. But there were enough people to solve checks. Bad Dog was clearly concerned about that, as I saw him up front for a few minutes. The trail started out innocently enough, meandering through suburban streets, and then descending into nicely maintained running trails. Soon however, we were hurtling down alpine-like slopes covered with wet vegetation. The fun didn't end there! After the first water crossing the hares seduced the pack into thinking all water crossing that day would be relaxing, smooth, and safe. However, at the next water crossing, all that went out the window. I got excited because I though we had a hare snare. Turns out Jack Off Lantern was acting as safety hare since were crossing some seriously fast-moving water that was about waist-high. Or neck high if you are Pubic Housing. JOL was offering helpful hints like, "face upstream so if you fall, you'll go into the rapids feet-first" and "keep your mouth closed -- we may need to use your dental records to identify your body." Trust me, it wasn't fun, it wasn't funny. It was dangerous. Regrettably, everyone survived.

Everyone (eventually) made it to the beer check, hosted by Fuck 'Em Danno and Senor Doucheberg. While there, we discovered that Read My Lips and Duck Duck Bush shop in the same trash can. Once again, killer hats. Trojan was named beer bitch. True Tail, Blank Shot Up The Ass, and Just Matthew made it in safely, despite rumors that they'd turned back. Our beer bitch got them all beers and they had a luxurious eight seconds in which to down them before the pack was off again.