WH4 trail #: 1113—February 18, 2007—Beerfest 2007
Location: Grosvenor Metro
Hares: Takes it up the Ehh & Brew Crew
OnOnOn: Hank Dietle’s Tavern
Virgins: Just Jason
Visitors: Massage a Twat (Las Vegas)
Beer Bitch: Just Shannon
Analversaries: Read My Lips (69 runs)

[pictures]

This hash may have popped it's cherry faster than any on record. Your scribe barely had time to pay her $5 and pound her mimosa (oh yes, there were mimosas…if you know who to talk to) before the Eagles had to circle up. There was a Turkey trail that went off later but this scribe ran the Eagle. I have no idea what you pussies were up to on the Turkey trail but you couldn’t have been having too much fun since you beat us all to the On In. Or maybe you “finished first” because this was the biggest cluster f@*k of a trail we’ve ever seen!

Eagle circle began with an announcement that we would have 9 beer checks on trail. Looking good. Followed by a new hash mark: BVC, Be Very Careful. Looking a little worse.

Shortly into the trail we came upon a group of stranded hippies who had managed to bottom out their environmentally responsible automobile on the snow bank at the end of their drive way. Silly hippies, you can’t plow a Prius through a snow bank. Pop quiz: how many hashers does it take to free a car from snow? Answer: All of them if they are lifting the drive wheels off the ground!

While on hot pursuit of an impeccably laid trail we somehow managed to miss a bad trail mark and wound up stumbling upon the point where the Turkey and Eagle trails came together entirely too early. (Psst, hares, don't cross your streams!) Turbo Twat was overheard saying, “This is so wrong, we really messed up.” Yes Turbo, yes you did.

Thankfully for us, our hares are experienced escorts, able to lead us like little ducklings back to the trail, about a mile away. Back on trail and 4 beer checks later hashers could be spotted skating across frozen soccer fields, doing face plants into ravines or getting taken from behind on train tracks. True Tale managed to land a perfect split sliding down a snow bank while Jack-Off Lantern and Can’t F*ck Dust relived their college days in the mid-80s by break dancing down an sheet of ice toward open water. Beyond the 7th beer check your scribe was too drunk to remember anything else that happened on trail, except Poop Wiener falling down…that was funny. 8.5 miles later, we were On In.

Several of you wankers managed to f*ck up on a trail even that perfectly laid. Violators included:

Bob Loblaw: He stole a 7 year-old’s basketball and proceeded to miss a lay-up, twice.
True Tale & Bad Ditch: Technology on trail
Cleo Papsmear: Overheard complaining that he recent porn purchase lacked plot
Hares: Almost broke Blows a Tranny again.
Bad Ditch: Needing flash cards to remember hash songs after 16 years of hashing.

Hash Shit came home! So we gave it away. The nominations were (drum roll):

Takes it up the Ehhh (for laying this debacle of a trail)
PIO (for mooning Cleo Papsmear and Runway Snatch in the back of the beer van and getting his hot, sweaty butt cheek stuck to the cold, cold glass)
Suck yer Dad (for not marrying a chick who like to lick @sshole and take it up the bum)

And the winner is…Takes it up the Ehh!

We also managed to squeeze a naming into this jolly good time. Just Shannon was brought to us by Please Step Away from the Whores. She hails from my fair city of Buffalo, NY and teaches 6th grade. She appeared demure and sweet until we learned her favorite position is “reverse cowgirl” and she has no recollection of her “first time.” Many names were shouted but only one was chosen. The winning bid came from Read My Lips who declared Just Shannon cute enough that even she would do her. Hence forth and throughout the world of hashing Just Shannon will be known as Hot Lunch.

On-On
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