1069 - May 29, 2006

Ten 69s is One Hot Afternoon

Hares: Wax on Whacks Off, Tit-ly Winks, Mother May I, Can't Fuck Dust, Obeasiologist
Start: Ft. Hunt Park
OnOnOn: Ft. Hunt Park
Virgins: Just Too Many (14)
Visitors: Suck Yer Dad, Roo Dog, Mother Chalker, Slashmaster, Bitty Titty
Beer Bitch: Just Kevin

[pictures]

Well, the big day was finally here. The White House Hash found a way to celebrate its 1069th run AND Memorial Day in style. Debaucherous style. One Hundred fifty or so hashers forsook all other familial, social, and hash obligations to converge on Ft. Hunt Park for a hash and barbecue. And they got what they expected. What they didn't expect was that May would feel like July and that half the pack would be near death by the middle of trail.

Hokie No Pokie played GM for yet another day and kicked things off with chalk talk for the virgins and then opening circle for the rest of the wankers. The hares promised three trails, two beer checks, and one square meal.

The packs headed out on trail. The eagles quickly got stumped by the trail markings. At least, that's what it sounded like to your scribe who followed Put It Out and immediately found himself off trail and on the highway. We eventually found trail again just as the pack was turning a corner to catch up to us. Trail went on for another three miles before we were offered the chance to stop for beer and water. It is hard to imagine where the brew crew managed to find water in the Sahara. It was hot. Hashers were drinking water first, then beer.

When we left the beer check, 90% of the eagles switched to turkey trail and still suffered for it. The pack soon found itself popping into the woods and out into the backyard of Mother May I and family. What a nice family. First they led their daughter to the hash, then they let her have the hash come to their house, then they even show up themselves and one offers to hare for the walkers. Of course, the trail took so long the walkers were there and gone before we arrived, but that's another story. The only thing I didn't like about Mother May I's family was the way they taunted us with a backyard pool on a hot day like this. There was beer and water a-plenty, but the pool was closed. Feh!

Titly Winks wrangled Just Herman (AKA Kevin) to serve as beer bitch and he was ever so willing to serve. From the second beer check, it was a short trip back to the park. At least it seemed like it when the ambulance dropped me off. The hares fired up the grills, the pack tore open the snacks and everyone settled in for a good time.

After a while, Titly Winks rounded everyone up for what promised to be a good circle. Bow Chicka Bow Bow came in to demonstrate proper down-down technique to the 14 virgins. If only we'd had 58 more virgins, this would have been paradise. Instead the day was hotter than hell. Despite such adversity, the penis and vagina galleries managed to pull through with possibly their best performances ever. The visitors stepped in and we met Mother Chalker, Suck Yer Dad, Roo Dog, Slashmaster and Bitty Titty (she thinks).

And then it was time for violations and for your scribe to confess his utter failure to write anything down. Dumbass. Fortunately, the pack provided the following:

  • The Hares for setting up a beer check on a hot day when the pool was closed.
  • Nasty When Wet and Slurpee for complaining about too much Wang at the WISHHH camping trip. Apparently he is not in Florida.
  • Butt Brown Ale for complaining that a tequila shot was too big.
  • Telecum for losing his 1069 hash tag
  • Evil Jesus for failing to walk on water when given the opportunity.
  • NAMBLA for lingering too long by the kiddie pool.
  • 38 Flavors for complaining she was "dry".
  • Wowo who ran by a young girl near the pool only to hear her point and complain "that disgusts me."
  • Obeastiologist who didn't bother to look when Titly Winks flashed, saying "I've seen those before."
  • Semen on the Pew and Just Gretchen showed up in matching outfits.
  • Put It Out was still sporting a nipple bruise from Wowo.
  • Two Sheep to Fuck sported a race shirt.

With all the commotion from the violations, no one seemed to notice the increased threat level for the RA. The security detail called "Shots fired" and established a protective dome until the threat was mitigated. The Long Time No Seers stepped in to be re-introduced to the pack. We saw 38 Flavors, Mitey Tite, Mitey Duke, Mud Pie, Mud Flap, Turbo Twat, and Cleopapsmear.

The overacheivers were next and we recognized:
  • 469 Mellow Foreskin Cheese
  • 300 Mitey Tite
  • 269 Wowo
  • 25 Backdoor Buckaroo, Cockulust, and Bow Chicka Bow Bow

We tried to name Just Hannah, but she worried over the fact that she only had one shirt and it was white. Some people worry about the smallest things. Just Marcella had no objections to getting named, which was odd since she is a lawyer.

Just Marcella
  • likes sheep
  • is an attorney
  • likes it on top
  • likes her meat raw
  • went to Duke

Suggestions were mostly in the legal vein
  • Jackoff Abramoff
  • 69th Circuit
  • Plausible Deniability
  • Bend Me Over the Bar
  • Habeas Clitoris

After very little deliberation, Just Marcella will now be known as Habeas Clitoris.

Finally, we welcomed the hash shit back into our midst. Mudflap had been hiding out with its oddly phallic handle and beaded rope for several months. But he (and it) emerged at the 1069th. The hash shit was none the worse for the wear and didn't even seem to have any new adornments, as tradition would have preferred.

The nominations were:
  • Mudflap for keeping it so long
  • Read My Lips for spilling beer
  • Nasty When Wet for complaining about too much wang
  • The Brokeback Boys (Backdoor Buckaroo and Butt Brown Ale, all three BBs) who showed up wearing matching Stetsons.

It was a tough call to see who got the hash. The Brokeback boys were the clear winners, but which one would actually get custody? The wise RA settled the debate by pointing out that the true winner was the one who had drunk beer from another man's ass. So Butt Brown Ale won this round.