1068 - May 21, 2006

Episode MLXVIII: The Shiggy Strikes Back
Hares: Hokie No Pokie, JackOff Lantern, Can't Find Pussy in a Haystack, Texas T & A
Start: Fairbrook Drive in Herndon, VA
OnOnOn: Jimmy's Old Town Tavern
Virgins: Just Mike, Just Janet, Just Angela, Just Hallie, Just Jeff, Just Andy, Just Brad
Visitors: (none)
Beer Bitch: Just Marcella

[pictures]

Today's hares revealed their inner nerd by pointing out in the hareline that May 21 is the anniversary of the release of The Empire Strikes Back. For those of you that don't remember this kind of crap, that was the second, sorry, fifth episode in the long and boring saga of the incestuous relationship between Luke Skywanker and his sister, Princess Layme. Other than the date and the location of Herndon, VA in a galaxy far, far away, this hash bore no other relation to Star Wars.

The start was in a parking lot behind an office complex in Herndon. What else is there in Herndon besides parking lots and offices complexes (or is it complexi?). Chalk talk and circle were held beside a gate labeled "Do not enter. No trespassing under penalty of law. Violators will be confined to a federal pound me in the ass prison." We figured we would be in there at some point.

Back Snatch was seen running in to the start. This act was designed to convince us that he ran from Vienna metro. In reality, he ran from the bus stop around the corner. As the rest of the pack arrived, we were stunned to see two things long absent from our hash: virgins and mismanagement. Titly Winks circled everyone up and we met our virgins. There were seven. I hope we didn't blow our load here. It's not even Memorial Day yet, the poor kids can't wear their virginal white. I hope we still have virgins throughout the summer. There were no visitors, but virgins are more fun anyway. Everyone likes to talk about the first time.

The hares came in to tell us about their trail. They suggested that it was more like a 5k Fun Run. Short, flat, fast. Absolutely no tunnels. The poor virgins looked so eager to believe. Just Brad was the only realist. He was seen surreptitiously slipping a Power Bar into his pocket before the start. Moist Sushi must have tipped him off.

The trail started out pretty uninspired. We ran through the parking lot and around a hotel full of startled guests. Then we found the W&OD and ran down that for a while and then, wait a second, where did it go? The trail led down into a stream and the pack found itself faced with the age old predicament: Do we run in the stream and immediately face the cold water, slime, and gravel? Or do we run next to the stream and deal with the poison ivy later?

Are You In? was excited to see the stream. So excited, in fact, that her shorts were wet while the area between her knees and her shorts was not. She called this a "personal moment." Most of the pack stayed in the stream and followed it for some time, eventually finding their way to set of tunnels. These were helpfully labeled "Short", "Dry", and "Well Lit". It didn't really matter which one we picked, they were all lies.

The tunnel was long, but apparently not long enough. Read My Lips was heard to say "My tunnel is way longer". It only seems that way because your boyfriend has a little dick.

At the end of the sequence of tunnels was the BC. Shockingly, it was in the parking lot of an office complex next to an alligator infested drainage pond. We think the alligator was just there to ward off the geese. It did nothing to ward off the Put It Outs that swam out to check and make sure it a) wasn't real and b) couldn't be made into a pair of shoes anyway.

Can't Fuck Dust got in a little bit of trouble at the BC. It seems Just Hallie showed up under-prepared. She didn't have a light so CFD graciously lent her one of his. Which one? The little one. I don't think she was impressed.

Just Hallie's friend Just Marcella didn't have much time to laugh at this little moment as she became Beer Bitch and there was much celebration. Ok, just the usual amount. Bow Chicka Bow Bow missed out on the singing because he was out taking a dump on trail. An uncomfortable prospect for many of you, but BCBB actually somewhat enjoyed it. He found a newspaper and took pleasure in wiping his ass with Bill Frist's face. We all have those days.

The trail continued on from the BC but only for a moment. We dropped down into a tunnel attached to the gator infested pond and, two tunnels later, found ourselves exiting the wilds of Herndon from behind the sign at the start that said "No trespassing." Fortunately, we didn't see any signs where we entered the area so it must have been legal.

The pack took some time to enjoy the beautiful weather and snacks and beer. This kind of day is what hashing is all about. T & Ehh was pleased to note that the diet beer on tap today was Baltimore's own Natty Bo. That's nice, but please don't confuse us with BAH3.

Titly Winks rounded up the pack for what promised to be a good circle. Imaginary Girlfriend was so excited by the prospect that he spilled a full beer. Backdoor Buckaroo demonstrated the proper down-down technique for the virgins. Somehow, they were able to follow his lead. The penis and vagina galleries, warming up after a long, mild winter, rose to the occasion and welcomed the virgins with style and class. Well, as much as this group can muster.

T & Ehh was recognized for her 69th run and 3 Ring Cervix for her 25th. Only one of them got a mug.

There were many violations:

• Texas T & A and the hares - for laying a backcheck 15 and only putting down 7 blobs of flower. Honey, it only seemed longer because of a lifetime of men trying tell you what 12 inches is.
• Butt Brown Ale - somehow managed to reach the age of 40 and yet still felt young enough to pass out on the sidewalk between the bar and the metro.
• Wookin Pa Nub - showed off to the other walkers by doing a handstand on the grate over the tunnel by the gator pond. Where did that boy get all his forearm strength, hmm?
• Pond Scrum - a rather large fellow, showed up to the hash with his new, rather small dog. Perhaps he caught a ride with Bad Dog who showed up in a little Miata.
• Bad Dog - despite having keys to the house and car of every member of his family, Bad Dog also a rather large fellow, chose to drive the Miata.
• Rocket Socket and OTIS - for losing sight of the goal of having as much sex as possible. They are now engaged and moving to Indonesia for three years. That's a hell of a honeymoon.

• She produces educational videos. This sounds like porn, but the high-brow kind you don't feel dirty for buying.
• Her favorite farm animal is the pig
• She likes it on top
• She has a tramp stamp (dolphins) and is not afraid to use it in arguments.
• She went to U of Georgia and George Mason
• She once received a sex toy called "The Pleasure Dome" and modeled it a la Vanna White in her birthday photos.
• She is sex deprived.
• She has a LOT of shoes

• Dildo Demo
• Pleasure Gnome
• Gimme an Oooo
• I'd like to buy a howl
• Dick Sucking Whore