1062 - April 9, 2006

White House SCUBA HASH #1
They can’t hear you scream under water.

Hares: Put It Out, Hokie No Pokie, S'Not
Start: Fairfax, VA
OnOn: Thursday's Bar and Grill (and Barbershop)
Virgins: Just Ben, Just Levi, and Just In Time for Passover
Visitors: Peter Pan, Scent of a Woman's Hooya
Beer Bitch: Just Jamie

[pictures]

Due to a heinous act of racism and physical fitness our regular scribe, Sucks Cock for Crack, couldn't make it to today's hash. And did he miss a good time. First, I want to point out there were more black guys at the Fairfax City hash than the Congress Heights hash.

I arrived at the hash early (3:10) to find Hokie No Pokie proclaiming, "It's a disaster. The tunnel is flooded." It turns out the tunnel was ALMOST flooded. After introducing some virgins and flipping off some visitors, the long lost GM, Wang Chunks, brought in the hares, Hokie No Pokie, Put It Out and S'Not. Put It Out carefully demonstrated the level of the water in the tunnel on Hokie No Pokie with a piece of chalk. It was approximately nipple height. Then Put It Out carefully demonstrated the height of the tunnel about six inches above his first line. After some calisthenics, the pack headed out with half of the runner's taking the cautionary tales as a glowing advertisement.

I, however, ran the Turkey Trail with quickly dashed aspirations of staying dry and clean. We quickly found ourselves in water up to our knees, but we were rewarded by being the first upon a secluded beer check in the woods. The PBR never tasted so good. Maybe fresh beer in a can that hasn't sat in SSBB for a week made the difference. Who knows? Eventually the walker's joined us and soon after Jack Off Lantern emerged from another tunnel drenched, filthy and excited. Deep dark tunnels have that effect on the man.

During the interlude I collected some worthy violations including Winn Dick Me for having Poison Ivy on her neck and thighs. It possible that I made the thigh location up, but I cannot reveal my sources. Later I overheard SALSA and Winn Dick Me saying, "...suddenly it got big round and black." Editor's Note: During circle PVT Snowball and Motor Mouth both volunteered to demonstrate what this might mean. Then I discovered that Bad Ditch is fortunately a spitter. At least when she drinks tunnel water. I can't speak for any other biohazards.

After designating, Just Jamie, the Beer Bitch and singing her the traditional Beer Bitch song, the hares headed out. Shortly thereafter the pack ran in the wrong direction and quickly found ourselves without trail. Then we hear Obestiologis (The T is Silent) yell ONON! So about twelve of us including me and two virgins, Just Ben and Just Levi , followed him up the embankment. I have no idea where the trail actually went although I suspect it went UNDER 50. So the twelve pack quickly discovered that Obesiologis (The T is Silent) was not actually on trail. He was ON Two Lips and Boner. It was then that I realized just how screwed we were. So our choices were either Frogger (Advanced Level) or turning back. The virgins tried to turn back but us experienced hasher's warned them against it and that they should take on cars at 65 miles an hour rather than turn back. A hasher never turns back. Fortunately we made it across the road and were able to determine the direction of the end and ran along 50 as traffic whizzed by us. We turned up Waple's Mill Rd looking for trail and found Put It Out instead.

The end was on a grassy knoll behind the KMart. Boner started serving oysters from a cooler and the Brew Crew served some beer and snacks. Titly Winks found herself a very nice mound and circled us up around it. I liked her mound.

She brought out the hares and made sure the virgins were watching. She made sure they understood the process by having And How's Her Bush demonstrate one more time. Penis Gallery might have won this round, but the war is not over my friends.

Next visitor's, Peter Pan and Scent of a Woman's Hooya, were again flipped off. We kicked PVT Snowball out of the visitor line up explaining that although the hash was outside the beltway, he wasn't actually visiting from Everyday is Wednesday.

Then we had a two rounds of scribe violations where I got to stand on Titley’s mound. Have I mentioned that it was a lovely mound? Where was I? Oh yes, violations. Just Linda and Her She Kisses for asking Pussy in a Haystack sex advice. Fire in the Cornhole complained that Sideshow Boobs will eat an oyster but she won't swallow his load. Two Lips and Up Her Alley scouted the tunnel in question last year for a trail in this area and decided it was "too sketchy." Stop the Erection for dressing himself. You had to be there, but it came in handy for visibility as we leap-frogged across 50. Visiting GM, Wang Chunks for going to Florida and returning looking like white trash. It was pointed out later by Two Lips that he looked like white trash before he left.

Next the crowd had a few but very worthy violations. 3 Ring Cervix violated PVT Snowball for getting the role of Oberon, King of Fairies, in A Midsummer's Night Dream. And Snap Crackle Poop violated Read My Lips for carefully carrying Senor Doucheberg's new puppy and chick magnet thru the tunnel and then tripping and dropping her at the end into the muddy creek.

I would like to point out that Boner kept talking about the Echoing Vagina. I finally had to point out that he is Asian and it might be the size of the hot dog, not the hallway.

We said farewell to Heave Ho who is leaving us for Boston and Two Lips who is headed to Iraq after he commits his final act of racism in a little race called the Boston Marathon. Anyone who had been to Iraq was called out to have a beer. Poodle Fuck was also called out because he has been to Iran and we decided that was close enough.

LONG TIME NO SEERS

This list was long and tedious just like drunken sex.

AWARDS, I mean ANALVERSARIES
Read My Lips – 50
Takes It Up the Eh - 25 Run Mug Club

ON AFTER

Motor Mouth, Just William and PVT Snowball had a Who's Blacker contest. Motor Mouth won but skin color was the only criteria. My request for a dance off was quickly denied.

Well that does it. Thanks to everyone for being complete idiots. This was the easiest trash I have ever had to write. Now back to your regularly scheduled scribe. See you wankers next week at West Falls Church.

ONON

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