1061 - April 2, 2006

The Oreo Hash

Hares: Can't Fuck Dust, Jackoff Lantern, I Dream of Weenie, Yellow Submarine
Start: Congress Heights Metro
OnOnOn: Georgena's
Virgins: Just Kristen, Just John
Visitors: Fuddmucker (Dayton), Studless (Dayton), Good Lay (Columbus)

[pictures]

This week, WH4 did its part for urban gentrification. We put the "white" in "What the hell all you white folks doing here?!" Before the hash even started, the four hares were each individually stopped by separate police units, not because they were dropping a suspicious powder (which they were), but because the locals had called the police out of concern for the safety of the white people who must have clearly been lost (which they were not). Why else would they be running around this part of Southeast DC on a Sunday afternoon in running clothes?

The pack circled up at the metro station (why not? no one else was using it) in the shadow of St. Elizabeth's (behind those nice, secure looking fences). The ice cream man was taunting with his siren song playing just beyond the station. Jackoff Lantern attempted to drown the music out with a song, but came out with a toast instead. Toasts work better when you have something to drink. Better luck next time.

There were virgins and visitors and they were either very brave or very misinformed. Despite the fantastic weather, a number of regular WH4 hashers chose to sit this one out, citing "safety concerns." Did the Germans worry about safety when they bombed Pearl Harbor? No! Did Michael Jackson worry about safety when he walked on the moon? No! Did we worry about safety before we ran this trail? Well, maybe a little bit.

The hares briefed the pack. Flour was orange. Tetanus shots were highly recommended. If you don't have a current one, they will provide a shot for you on trail. The hares had everyone write down the number for 911 and then the pack was away.

We ran out of the metro and into a Jewish cemetery of all things. Sucks Cock for Crack was seen running around muttering prayers in Hebrew. Brown Out chose to honor the dead in another way. By anointing a mausoleum. Nice touch. Once out of the cemetery, we ran around a construction site and found a check near a school. The hares had thoughtfully marked the check in case another hash came through before the next rain. Good thinking, but pretty unlikely. If anyone ever DID hash here again, they would see that WH3 hashed here at some time in the recent past. WH3, not WH4. Evil Jesus never even saw the check, he was busy contracting tetanus through his testicles while stuck on a fence top.

The trail ran through some apartments where we did a little youth recruiting. The kids stuck around until we turned a corner and ran into a street w/ a cop parked on it. At first we thought he was there to watch our route and protect us. No, he was there because someone knocked out all the windows in some poor lady's car. This was of interest for only a minute or two and then Semen on the Pew changed the subject when he ran into the ONLY PIECE of trash in the middle of the street. Now, mind you, there was trash everywhere. But on this particular street, just one piece. And he hit it.

Newly-married Microsoft was out for the day. Alone. It turns out Green Piece of Ass needed some alone time and went for Yoga instead. Do they serve beer after Yoga? Roadkill also came out to the hash. Well, he was out, but it wasn't clear if he was hashing. It seemed more like business. He spent most of the time on the phone. AND 43 PEOPLE TOLD ME ABOUT IT. Thanks. Where are you all on the days when I don't get any violations?

We continued on across some main street where traffic slowed to stare at us. Then we ran up a hill and the kids across the street told us the trail ran up the stairs. So we ran up the stairs. To nowhere. There was a 30 ft drop on the other side. So we climbed back down and ran around and found out the trail came back out on the same street a few feet away. And there were cops there. This time it was pretty clear they were actually there for us. Thanks boys! I don't think we've had police support like this since that Red Dress a few years back (DC Red Dress Run is October 7, 2006).

After the stairs, we ran through some woods and out onto a field overlooking the city. As advertised (in the back of the Washington Times), it was one of the best views of the city. Plenty of opportunities for picking out real estate. From there it was a short jaunt in to the beer check which appeared to be at some secret government facility protected by throngs of children playing basketball. Very tricky, Uncle Sam, very tricky.

At the beer check, Blows a Tranny showed off suspiciously fence-shaped bruises on his face from from EWH3 on Thursday.

On the third half of the trail, things got more interesting. The locals seemed to take a keener interest in us. Some ran along for a good while but turned back when we kept hearing helicopters overhead. The trail ended behind an abandoned apartment building a few blocks from the metro. Most of us stopped when we saw the familiar big blue van. Evil Jesus kept going. He saw Hokie No Pokie stop and asked "Do you have flour?" "No, I have beer van," Hokie replied.

We circled up quick as the locals started sounding out scout vehicles to locate our positions. RA Titly Winks called in the hares and then had Motor Mouth demonstrate proper down-down technique for the virgins. Good Lay brought Just Kristen and Just Tom brought his brother Just John. We would later try (and fail miserably) to name Just Tom. Ooops.

There were some visitors. Good Lay was in from Columbus, Studless from Roy Rogers, and Fuddmucker who is transplanting from Dayton. We violated a bunch of racists for the Cherry Popper this morning. This included Richie Cum-in-hand who claimed he would wear a race shirt from now on if it meant more beer.

There were some violations:

• Hokie No Pokie for not providing a tetanus shot warning in the hareline
• Brew Crew for nearly causing an accident when they had to pull over for a fire truck and the car next to them hit the curb and scratched his rims.
• Motor Mouth for being sound loud when offering the previous violation that he echoed off the building.
• Please Step Away from the Whores for trying to violate Happy On His Knees for wearing a Chinese lantern he found in the woods. Unfortunately, he thought Happy (who WAS wearing the lantern) was French Toasted (who was not wearing the lantern). It's all cleared up now.