The White House Hash House Harriers
A drinking club with a running problem
1057 - March 5, 2006
Cinco de marzo
Hares: Hokie No Pokie, Put It Out, Roll Over Bitch, Are You In?
Start: Grosvenor/Strathmore Metro Station
OnOnOn: Hank Dietle's "Tavern"
Virgins: Just Sara, Just Nicole, Just Erin, Just Tony
Visitors: Ghost Rider, Cabin Boy, Cuntless
Beer Bitch: Just Hannah
This week, the hare razor found out what happens when he can't fill in a date on the hareline. Hokie No Pokie, demonstrating his inability to perform even the simplest task in mismanagement, screwed up in hare recruiting and had to lay the trail himself. (Editor's note: Are You In? says Hokie can perform other simple tasks well. She gave a few examples of the limited range of successful Hokie performance modes: "lick here," "rub there," "thrust here.") Hokie had help, sort of. Put It Out, Roll Over Bitch and Are You In? co-hared. Rather, they carried flour along the route Hokie designated and went to great lengths to distance themselves from any responsibility for the actual trail. This was to their great detriment since it turned out to be a great trail. (Editor's note: It's early in the year yet. the bar is still low.)
We all met up at the Grosvenor Metro Station on the Red Line. (Editor's note: For those of you who don't know, it's pronounced "Grow-Vner" and rhymes with "Boner" or "Moaner." If you pronounce it differently, it just makes you look like an ass and sound like you're from Virginia.) It was immediately apparent to your scribe that it was going to be a good hash. The sun was shining, the weather was warm, I found someone's Little Black Book in the parking lot on my way in (complete w/ phone numbers), and I already had 5 violations before the trail started.
Hare Roll Over Bitch showed up solo for the first time in a while. This was pretty obvious from the way he dressed himself. 2 Sheep to Fuck wasn't dressed much better. He must have gotten the last few items off the rack at the Goodwill. Your scribe had plenty of time to notice these things because GM Wang Chunks took forever to start the opening circle. At first, I thought he was just waiting for Follow the Bleeder to arrive on the metro, but it later turned out Wang Chunks was just learning about anal tampons from Ghost Rider and his friend. Wang is an expert now. Go ahead and ask if you're wondering.
When Wang overcame is fascination with things-you-can-put-in-your-ass, he started the opening circle and the pack huddled up to hear about trail and virgin sacrifices. We had Just Sara, who learned how to come from her friend in Rwanda; Just Tony, Wang Chunks' cousin (Editor's note: I'm told it's NOT the kissing variety, but who knows?); and then visitor Cabin Boy showed that he knows how to make friends at a hash. He brought TWO virgins: Just Nicole and Just Erin. Speaking of visitors, there was Cabin Boy from Palau, Ghost Rider from Okinawa, and Cuntless who is transplanting from Mid-Georgia.
The hares stepped in to tell us about the trail and then the pack was away. We ran out of the parking lot, through the adjoining apartment complex and on into Rock Creek Park where we encountered some kind of natural obstacle course that tripped up hasher and dog alike. Maisy acted more cat than dog, falling off a downed tree, but landing on her feet. The trail found Rock Creek and the pack got lost. Some brave souls knew what was ahead of them and crossed the creek, checking for trail. The rest of us pantywaists waited hopefully on the dry side. No luck. The trail went over and so did we. Hare Put It Out feeling guilty or horny, volunteered to carry a couple of harriettes across. I don't think that little act of chivalry got anyone except Put It Out wet.
Once on the other side we found the trail and ran along until we hit yet another creek crossing. This one had some flotsam (or maybe jetsam) that made it possible to cross without jumping into the river. Stop the Erection I Want To Get Off was the first one to discover the crossing. While quick to realize he could cross there, he was slow to do so. Sucks Cock for Crack yelled from the back "Somebody push the slow guy out of the way" and then the slow guy got out of the way. Right into the creek. But, no, he didn't fall into the "clean" side downstream from the logjam. He fell into the dirty side upstream. The one that looked like the Montgomery County Recycling Center. Two Lips in the Bush decided he'd rather not risk falling into the muck, he'd just wade across the creek on the "clean" side. That worked until he found himself standing nipple-deep in freezing water squealing like a little girl. So much for being an Ironman.
After the Stream Crossing of Doom, the trail went on into a tunnel. We ran through the tunnel. We ran through the tunnel. We ran through the tunnel. (It was long. And dark.). On the other side, we found ourselves in a creek. The trail led up the creek, out of the creek, back into the creek, etc. There were various slippery, tetanusy, stinky obstacles along the way. Put It Out, the reluctant hare, carefully marked each safety violation as either "Hokie's Idea." So much for teamwork.
Those who braved the obstacles and the next tunnel were rewarded with a hot cider shot check IN the tunnel. Kudos to the hares. Drink up lads and lasses, there is more to come. At the exit to the tunnel, Put It Out helpfully noted that the concrete was "slipy." What he should have written, if he could spell, was "stinky." Because it was. And many of us got to experience it first-hand. Cuntless got a good close up look at his new hash territory when he fell in up to his armpits. I hope that sweatshirt around his waist was not considered his warm, dry clothes for the end.
The BC provided welcome relief to those of us on the sloggers trail. The walkers got there a bit early and For Sale Or Rent, who gave up beer for lent but not sex, was seen taking turns in the woods with several hashers. RA Titly Winks may have been having similar desires. She complained loudly that this was the second time she had run a trail in this area and had trouble keeping her pants up (or on, whichever). Virgin Just Nicole was so excited to see the BC that she ran right in and kicked over a full pitcher. Bad form on her first time out. Also bad? Flipping off the RA. Slip Knot risked life and limb giving Titly Winks the Bird while wearing a m*r*thon shirt and yet didn't end up drinking for it. I'm not sure if that makes him lucky or unlucky.
Just Hannah was made our Beer Bitch, the first legitimate one in this Scribe's recent memory. Now that we have Virgins and unnamed hashers returning, Spring must be just around the corner. By the way, Titly Winks asked and Just Hannah likes Purple Penises. I'm not sure how to put that information to good (or any) use. After the Beer Bitch celebration, Cockulust and 2 Sheep to Fuck wandered in to the BC together. They apparently cooperated to be DFL (Done Fucking Late). As the BC wrapped up, Are You In? became puzzled by Sucks Cock for Crack's headlamp and confused it for a virbrator. SCFC corrected her, but was happy to demonstrate that it could still serve a similar purpose. Hokie No Pokie didn't notice this exchange. He was busy trying to blow his whistle to send the pack out on the second half of trail. He couldn't and remarked, "I think I need remedial whistle training. I don't know how to blow."
The second half of trail... went somewhere. The Scribe went directly to the end. That shortcutting bastard used to live here and knew where he was going. So he went and dragged Wang Chunks and Imaginary Girlfriend with him. We thought that got us in ahead of the pack until we saw them waving at us from atop the parking garage. Oh, wait, no. That's Obestiolojizz (the T is silent) who returned early from a ski trip and headed right to the OnIn with his friends Bud and Light. Good man.
At the circle, Virgin Just Tony was so excited he had to run away and water the concrete so he wouldn't wet himself. Your first hash is fun, but not THAT fun. The rest of the Virgins comported themselves more appropriately. The females were greeted by a stunning performance from the Penis Gallery. The lone male was, well, greeted. It took the Vagina Gallery two attempts for a mediocre showing. Better luck next time. The Visitors came in for yet another greeting and Ghost Rider tried to win brownie points by handing out gifts including shirts for the GM & RA and cum rags for the Virgins. Too bad he didn't coordinate his brownie point efforts with Her She Kisses who was offering Girl Scout Cookie pickup after the hash.
There were some additional violations in circle: