The White House Hash House Harriers
A drinking club with a running problem
1054 - February 12, 2006
Welcome Back to Town Hash
Hares: Two Lips in the Bush, Jackoff Lantern, Monday Sticky Monday, Thong Butt Not Forgotten
Start: Largo Metro Station
OnOnOn: Red Star Tavern
Beer Bitch: Just Meg
Winter came slowly to the White House hash environs this year, but once it arrived we were all certainly thankful to have hares like Two Lips and Jackoff Lantern to get us out to enjoy the wonders of winter. "I wonder where the trail went?" or "I wonder how many f*cking tunnels are left on this trail?" or "I wonder where everybody went now that I got off the metro at 3:20 for a hash that normally starts at 3:30?"
The pack met in the metro parking lot at the end, the FAR end, of the Blue Line. Due to the cold weather, Border Patrol neglected to leave their little booths to check passports or arrest records so we were all allowed into the great state of Maryland for a few hours. It was cold at the start and most people spent the time sitting in heated cars or doing calisthenics to stay warm. Not WoWo. He paraded around in his underwear and ski goggles. It turns out he left wherever he was last night without any pants to run in. Ever-helpful Put It Out was able to lend WoWo a pair of pants. Both insist this is the first time WoWo has ever been in his former roommate's pants.
With no virgins, no visitors, no chalk talk, and no pulse, the pack circled up a wee bit earlier than usual. Maybe 3:29:40 or so. There were complaints about this later. Are You In? led the world's fastest version of Father Abraham and then the pack was off into the snow on this live trail.
A few notes on that... When it is snowing until the morning of your trail you have little hope of pre-laying so you better be live. Also, when you're haring a trail over almost all snowy terrain, it's pretty easy to figure out which way the hares went. What this means is that you better have some obstacles on trail to slow you down. The hares had this all figured out ahead of time. So far ahead of time that they didn't even know there would be snow. Better safe than sorry, they planned nine (9) tunnels on trail. "But don't worry" they said "none has water deeper than the middle of your shoe." Well your scribe must be no taller than the bartender from the holiday party because the water in the tunnels reached his knees.
The first half of trail ran through fields, construction sites, parking lots, creeks, and parks. But what we'll all really remember about it was the tunnels. Tunnels, culverts, ratholes, birth canals, sewers. Call them what you will. They were deep, wet, sticky, and stinky. A few brave souls clambered up and over fences and roads to avoid sloshing through the streams. That worked until we hit the Beltway. There is no climbing around that one. By that point everyone was wet and, yet strangely, not cold. There must be something in that Maryland water.
The pack eventually straggled into the BC after 48 minutes and 48 seconds of r*nning. Obesiologist was kind enough to time the first half of trail for us. I don't think anyone actually asked him to. The walkers had been there for some time. Thong Butt Not Forgotten was kind enough to keep the bag vehicle running so everyone would have warm clothes at the end. For safety's sake she elected to stay in the running vehicle just in case there were some kind of automotive emergency.
Loony Soccer Dad had no problem with the cold. He wore triple-thick sock puppets to keep his hands warm. Or to hide the calluses. Loony Soccer Wife is out of town for another three weeks. This means LSD is currently Lonely Spanking Dad. Read My Lips also had no trouble with the cold or the snow. She dove right in and spent quite a bit of time crafting a rather well endowed "snow person". Neither snowman, nor snow-woman, or maybe a bit of both. Whatever it was it didn't complain when Hokie No Pokie gave it a golden shower. Surprisingly, Hokie was not injured during this activity.
Around this time, Follow the Bleeder came strolling in to the BC. He was bleeding at this point, but he was so far back in the pack that few people could possibly have been following him. Somewhere in between all the swearing and gesturing I heard something about the train arriving on time and the hash starting early and then getting illegally detained by fence-tops and thornbushes. It mostly just sounded like whining.
Either Just Meg or Two Lips in the Bush was made the Beer Bitch. It was tough to tell which was which in their twin outfits. Despite being fairly new to White House, Just Meg has actually been hashing in DC for the last 5 years. Once. Per. Year. At the annual DC Red Dress Run. Apparently, the promise of cheap beer and easy men didn't do much for her. It wasn't until she met Two Lips in the Bush that she could be convinced to come. Is that what they mean by "oral sex?"
The walkers and hares departed the beer check and the runners were left to their own devices. Some electric, some manual. The pack eventually moved on and enjoyed a pleasant romp through the snowy woods before diving down and into another string of tunnels. Snowballs flew through the air as our butts slid downhill. Blows a Tranny was overheard saying "I've been waiting since October 2nd to get snowballed on trail." Well, today was your lucky day. Sort of. Blows a Tranny was still bitter that today's hares were encouraged to go ahead with their cold, wet trail in wintry weather in a far off land while a simple, dry, A-B trail in downtown DC required 47 Hail Marys and 2 blowjobs for forgiveness.
While running the second half, Titly Winks noticed that Bad Ditch and Sucks C*ck for Crack were dressed remarkably similar. She suggested that they might be twins. Sucks C*ck for Crack replied that "For once I'm certain dick is bigger." No one challenged his claim.
The last stretch of trail was a true joy with all of the best aspects of hashing. A dark tunnel, deep water, shoe-sucking mud, thick briars, slippery rocks, and a fence to climb. After all they had put us through, the hares felt a bit sorry and provided a ladder for the last fence-jump. WoWo said it best "They gave us a two rung ladder for a four rung fence." With a Hallmark Holiday so near, I feel our hares were inspired by the company motto: "When you care enough to do the very least."
At the OnIn, high praise was heard all around for Bad Ditch and the new snack bitch, Piss In Boots. The left over party ham was still a hit. Piss In Boots held fast to the anti-orange food platform of the previous OreHo administration of Yellow Submarine. However, any cries of protest may have been muffled by the creamy, chewy goodness of the Little Debbie oatmeal cookies. There were some complaints that no one provided any hot toddies or spiced rum at the end. Brew Crewer It's Buttf*cking Time apologized and said she could do something hot and tasty, but her parents were home. I bet they could teach her a thing or two.
Beer Bitch Just Meg was overheard telling how her parents brought the retired White House Hash Shit (2005-004) back to Buffalo and introduced it to their hash. Thinking they were mighty clever, they upended the trophy and forced the winner to drink from it. We made Just Meg drink to punish those nitwits with less beer.
The circle was a joy for all to behold. New Songmeister Follow the Bleeder entertained us all with songs that were not Hot Vagina or Sally in the Alley. Ask him to sing a verse or two of the "cab fare" song. We're all looking forward to a great year of songs with FTB. Titly Winks ran through the Virginless, Visitorless circle with the greatest of ease. Eventually recognizing anniversaries for Nippon Tuck (25), Monday Sticky Monday (69), Richie Cum-in-Hand (100), Loony Soccer Dad (100), and Slip Knot with an ass-tounding 400 RUNS!!! Despite his vast hashing experience (over $1600 worth), Slip Knot tried to grab his 400 run jacket and leave circle before getting a beer.
In addition to the violations you've already read, Are You In? called out Hokie No Pokie for advocating safety while participating in unsafe activities. This morning in bed, Hokie was demonstrating how to light a fart. Are You In? suggested he pull his boxers down first. "No!" Hokie said "That's not safe."
Speaking of safe, no one needed to worry about getting the hash shit this week since Put It Out left it at home with its new adornments from his week of possession. Perhaps it's sitting there next to WoWo's pants.