#1208 Chinatown/Metro Center September 1, 2008 - Best Trail EVER!!!
Hares: Gay Guy Counter, Jefe Lengua, Just Catherine
Brew Crew: Marco Homo, Please Step Away From The Whores
Beer Bitch: Just Stephanie
Virgins: I don't know who they were
Visitors: I don't know them either.
Analversaries: Sorry about that.
Long Time No Seers: Nope, didn't get those either.
First of all, I want to thank Oregon Grinder for scribing for me, as I was kind of busy haring the trail. Second, I want to say that it's no surprise she told me that the pack was saying it was the best trail ever. I don't mean to brag, but I'm the greatest. I should say we're the greatest. I had lots of help from my co-hares. We ran a federal-holiday appropriate trail past the White House, as well as other historic sites in Washington, DC. If you missed it, I'm sorry to say it's going to be hard to repeat such an awesome trail. I do feel like it's important to mention one thing. The directions clearly indicated that the start would be near the intersection of 11th and H St. NW. I even made sure you had directions. However, the same pack that often can't bring themselves to read marks on trail bitches pretty loudly when there aren't marks from the metro. Kinda inconsistent isn't it. Next time, I think I'll mark trail from the metro and give everybody a map to the beer check and finish, and see how that pans out. Enough of my bitching, though. Let's see what the pack did to embarrass themselves, shall we?
Just Sarah: Tried to commit suicide on trail. We made Red River Runs Through It drink from safety third for that one.
Jefe Lengua: Overcompensating by carrying biggest stick of chalk ever made.
Fire In The Hole: Happy fucking birthday!
Motormouth and Summer's Eve: Sex off trail when they were enjoying a quiet afternoon on the waterfront.
Hares: Calling the police to alert them about the end location prior to the trail.
Taster's Choice: Ran a 1/2 M*rathon yesterday.
No Child Left Behind: Brought a virgin with no stamina.
Queerly I'm Straight: New shoe(lace)s. Drink from them anyway.
Hash Shit:
Cock A Doodle Do Me was kind enough to bring the Hash Shit back. The following idiots deserved a chance to take it from her:
Summer's Eve
Rotten Whore
US Boobs And Oral Report
Cock A Doodle Do Me
But we gave it to Coin Operated for hoarding pussies.
Then it was on on to the Dubliner. They did a great job of taking our cash and giving us beer and food in return.
On shameless self-promotion On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1207 Georgetown August 25, 2008 Brew Crew Trail
Hares: The Brew Crew (Yeah, all of them)
Brew Crew: Runs With Bulls, Marco Homo (I guess they didn't hare)
Beer Bitch: Just Air Spanker One
Virgins: Just Brendan, Just John, Just Emmit
Visitors: Nobody (That's not a hash name. Really, no one visited.)
Analversaries: Octopussy - 69
Long Time No Seers: Air Spanker One, Nasty When Wet, Bonnie Brewer, Marco Homo, IHOV, KY Belly, A Salt My Ass
This week, we were honored by our hardest workers, the brew crew. They hared a trail with lots of shot checks. Some of the rocket scientists in our midst were a little surprised that the shots were of...wait for it...you'll guess it in a minute...yeah...it was BEER! At least it was good beer, so I don't know why they were complaining. What can I say about the trail except that it was long and dry, and the air was hot. If it weren't for the copius amounts of beer, it would have been a miserable night. Thank God for the brew crew! Let's see what the pack did on trail.
Violations:
Beer Fairy: Had to hare to save $5 he could use for legal defense.
A Salt My Ass: Testing iPhone features. Apparently, it's not toilet-resistant.
Just Brendan: Wore his r*cist shirt inside-out. We knew all along.
KY Belly: Got to the beer check to ask "am I first?"
Blank Shot Up The Ass: Forgot how to run while on trail. That's a safety third!
No Child Left Behind: Abrasions on knees on trail, and nobody was bragging about it. Safety third!
Hares: Left a 200 yard dash between the beer van and the orange food. After such a long trail, that wasn't necessary.
Vagina Gallery: Poor performance for our virgins.
Bob Loblaw: Sexism. He sang "You're Stupid" to the Vagina Gallery. Sexism isn't safe. It's safety third.
Hares: Laid one phantom shot check where a "SN" was nowhere near a shot.
The Hash Shit was not present.
If we ever decide to name Just Emmitt, you might want to know that he partially severed his achilles tendon when he slammed the refrigerator door, and a wine bottle fell from the top and broke open. His leg was covered in red wine and blood.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1206 White Flint Metro August 18, 2008
Hares: Jackoff Lantern, Eat Your Vegetables, Fluffer No Butt Her, No Child Left Behind
Brew Crew: C: Enter, Hot Lunch
Beer Bitch: Just Allie
Virgins: Just Stephanie
Visitors: FUPA, Sex Pistol
Analversaries: Et Tu Bootay - 25, Jerry Ass Tricks - 25
Long Time No Seers: Ass Ogre, Rambutt, Fruit Of The Poon, Mr. Magoo, Silver Spooge, Tranny In Training, Chicken Fucker, Call Me EZ
Here's the funny thing. It's been almost a week since this hash, and I don't remember much. The trail started with shiggy. It went from there into water. Incidentally, I recall a deja vu beer check. What that means is that when we got to the second beer check, it looked eerily similar to the first one. Wanna know why that was? It was the same place. We all thought we were crazy because the trail seemed to lead us into the same paths we were on before the first beer check. We're all crazy, but there's a reason why we recognized the paths. Given our recent history, it's particularly impressive that the second beer check wasn't canceled after the park police drove by the first time. Anyway, let's get on with violations.
Violations:
Hares: Bad at math. 1 beer check visited twice doesn't really equal 2 beer checks.
Just Stephanie: Got all wet for broken wood. Safety third.
Hares: Lies and deceit. Second SN had no shot near.
Brew Crew: Exercising discretion by having everyone pour beer out of the cans...into cups labeled "Jack Daniels".
Private Snowball: Princess Snowball took off his shoes and socks for the water crossings.
Coin Operated: Dressed like Wendy, so she could go into Wendy's and request a discount.
Call Me EZ: Complained about not being violated. Have a drink.
Trojan: Honorary down down for matching donations to the Beer Fairy defense fund. That means he donated $569 to the fund. Nice job.
Mellow Foreskin Cheese: Planning surgical enhancements in the coming weeks. All the harriettes will want to test drive the new equipment.
Hash Shit:
No Child Left Behind brought the Hash Shit back from her Beer Mile participation. Let's see who tried to get it from her.
Jackoff Lantern: Mean haring.
Fey Lay: Media Slut got a hurricane named after her.
Coin Operated: 300 Million Served
Cock A Doodle Do Me: Removing goblet from the Hash Shit.
And the winner is...Cock A Doodle Do Me. We thought we'd give her a chance to put something on the Hash Shit to replace the goblet.
Then, we decided to name Just Jesus. Just Jesus works for the [ch]Air Force. He was nervous about his first BJ because he's "kicking an anteater", which apparently means he's uncircumcised. Just Jesus is not a jew. He's Puerto Rican. He's been caught licking a nipple by his mom, and receiving a BJ by a police officer. His definition of "aim high" is a pearl necklace. We recommended the following:
Jesus Is Not a Jew
Premature Copulation
Jews For Jesus
Jesus Doesn't Save
Last Temptation
Aunt Eater
Whacks A Turtle
But we named him...Holy Foreskin Batman
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1205 August 11, 2008 Glenmont
Hares: And How's Her Bush, Fey Lay, Slowman, No Name Nyet
Brew Crew: RU-469, Stop The Erection
Beer Bitch: Just Jesus
Virgins: Just Noreen, Just Morgan
Visitors: Wang Chunks - Boston, Stretch Pussy - Boston, Cum Is Kosher - Boston, Amnesia - Homeless, Explodes On Impact - Memphis, we also seemed to have the DCH4 good will committee present. I didn't get all their names.
Analversaries: Presidential Nasty - 25
We arrived to another weekly engagement of the White House Hash, but this time we were in a strange and wonderous place. It's called Glenmont, and if you've never heard of it, I wouldn't be surprised. That's because Glenmont is such a remote destination that it's the kind of place where they draw serpents on the map because no one's ever been there and lived to return. I even saw a creature or two that I think science has yet to classify. The other wonder of Glenmont is that it is apparently unaffected by global warming. Nearing mid-August, we arrived to temperatures that were barely above freezing. I recommend we prepare for the oncoming ice age. I suggest you find someone to get close to so you can stay warm. Cute harriettes can apply here. Oh yeah, we still ran trail. That was nice. There were violations, too. Let's see about those.
Hares: A 45-minute head start isn't really live-haring a trail. The trail was yelling "I'm not dead yet." But the hares were insistent. "You'll be stone dead in a moment." they said.
Back Snatch and Presidential Nasty: In full view of I'd Tap That, these two took a scenic detour for a figurative and literal trip past home plate for a little sex on trail.
Fluffer No Butt Her: Given his attire, he was obviously confused. It's hashing time, not business time.
No Child Left Behind: Honorary down down for the training aid she gave to Et Tu Bootay. Sorry if you didn't see it.
Motormouth: Just as Fey Lay bent down to pick up a snack, he swooped in to grab...his MUG???
And How's Her Bush: Sent the pack along a set of railroad tracks on trail. Safety Turd!
Cum Is Kosher and Stretch Pussy: Came to a gate on trail, and didn't even try to open it, assuming that going around it was the only option.
Stop The Erection: Complained that brew crewing was just plain confusing when he had no need to pick up anything but I'd Tap That.
Cum Is Kosher: When the police drove by and everyone was getting rid of their beer, she quickly dumped a full mug of...wait for it...have you guessed it yet?....yes, it was WATER!
Hash Shit:
Dairy Queen Brought the Hash Shit to us after the WH4 camping trip. We began taking nominations to find out that No Child Left Behind clipped her car keys to the Hash Shit as a handy alternative to carrying them. Then we found out that she went r*cing last week, and puked post-race. That was apparently enough to encourage her to forego the Beer Mile, but we convinced her to run it. It's only appropriate that she consider running it with the Hash Shit.
Then we decided to name Just Yuliya. She didn't want to be named because she usually comes on Tuesday. Just Yuliya refused to kneel for the honor. She's been hashing for about a month, was brought to the hash by No Name Nyet, and is from the Ukraine. So we recommended the following names.
Breast In Show
Cums On Tuesday
Fuck Me Pumps
Won't Go Down
Gucci Coochie
Dos Peed Onya
Whinnie The Putin
Ukraine For Cock
Clifford The Big Red Party Member
Then, Motormouth got sick of the childish nature of the entire episode and put an end to it by pouring a drink on Just Yuliya's head. She was pissed. We all went to the bar. The end.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter