#1197 Crystal City July 14, 2008
Hares: Slurpee, Tooth Fairy, Tour Duh Whore, Pay Per View
Brew Crew: Beer Fairy, Turbo Twat
Virgins: Just Whitney, Just Anthony
Visitors: Whack On Whack Off, Dr Shiser Box Shocker
Beer Bitch: Just Amy
We all gathered in Crystal City for our regular issue of drinking and running, drinking some more, and then drinking some more. We paid our money and we circled as normal. After a rousing opening circle, the pack was off. Little did we know that Beer Fairy was almost ready to encounter a fantasy come true. Apparently, a very cute girl approached him, and offered a little light bondage. She had handcuffs at the ready. The problem is that she wasn't playing games. That put quite a damper on the beer check, as well as the ending circle. By the end of the hash, I'd Tap That was short on kegs, taps, and other equipment. Our mismanagement was nice enough to buy a little beer at the on on on, just so we could have a little fun, and the fine people at Crystal City Sports Pub were nice enough to let us hold a circle in the bar. They even gave us a microphone. I'm not sure that last part was a good idea, but I wasn't about to warn them. Let's see who (other than Beer Fairy) got violated.
Violations:
Just Lisa: New shoes. It might have been uncouth to drink from them inside the bar, though.
Breathless: Needed a new venue for meeting women, so he went to strip aerobics class. He also decided to demonstrate his new found pole dancing skills before the opening circle.
Leggs Over Easy: Practicing her licking techniques. Look out, girls, she's getting good.
Beer Fairy: Engaged in a ploy to ensure that he won't be buying a beer for the next six months.
Just Amy: Wasting beer at the beer check.
And How's Her Bush: Rumor has it he's a high priced whore. The newspaper said he sold his soul for $52B. Wow! Most of us would be lucky to get a few pennies.
Bob Loblaw: Expressed his sympathy for the fat guys who couldn't get through the small hole in the fence until he found out that he was one of those guys.
Tits: Complained about getting wet.
Then, it was on on on to nowhere because we were already in the bar. That was convenient.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1196 July 7, 2008 Dupont Circle Metro, No Motion on the Ocean Memorial Hash
Hares: Sextra Credit, Bad Ditch, Big Bang, Snatch Shot, Back Snatch, $50 Bitch
Virgins: Just George, Just Scott, Just Craig, Just Andrew, Just Kelly, Just Heather, Just Susan, Just Monique, Just Mike, Just Jamie, Just Kacie
Visitors: Fungus – Boise, Up Chuck Fuck – Los Angeles
Brew Crew: Marco Homo, RU-469
Beer Bitch: The all new Chicken Fucker
Analversaries: Second Cumming – 25
Long Time No Seers: Social. Everyone is apparently too busy to hash.
OnOnOn: Buffalo Billiards
This was the No Motion on the Ocean memorial hash. I just want to note something that a friend of mine usually says. People think that who you know is what shows your importance. The truth is that it’s the number of people who know you. By the turnout, it’s obvious that NoMo was a great friend to many. I’m sorry I never met him.
I suppose I could follow that point with a missive about the trail. I could tell you about some shiggy, a little urban r*nning, or the cheaters who decided to hash on roller blades. I could talk about the oppressive heat and humidity. But, I’ll bet you want to hear about all the stupidity that your friends perpetrated on trail. So, without further ado, on on to violations.
Violations:
NoMo: Missed his own hash. We gave the honorary down down to Sextra Credit.
Wooly Mammaries: Performed a brazilian butt implant operation on I’d Tap That.
Comes On Vacation: Leaving the hash after 6 months. I guess she’s already exhausted the supply of decent harriers she was willing to sleep with.
Put It Out: Mid-life crisis. He’s missed MVH3 for 6 months, but hasn’t missed a single EWH3 hash.
Poop Weiner: Arrives late, and still has to get out his phone to make a booty call.
Strange Ground Chuck: Dropped panties on trail. Lucky they were from the Hash Shit, and were not his.
Peace O’ Chum: Doesn’t look like Chicken Fucker any more, so she dressed like Knee Deep Pussy High.
Sextra Credit: Had to dust her shoes with chalk to make them look dirty and used.
Just Carolyn: Birthday on trail. Great excuse for a beer.
Hash Shit:
Strange Ground Chuck brought the Hash Shit because he had solicited Snap Crackle Poop for sex and money. After being refused ass and cash from him, Strange Ground Chuck decided to try his luck with making that request of Gay Guy Counter. Here’s who deserved a shot at taking it from him.
Strange Ground Chuck: Whining about having the Hash Shit.
Snatch Shot: Stole the liquor for the shot check from a homeless man.
Winn Dickme: Stage fright. She was giggling like a giddy school girl, but couldn’t bring herself to nominate someone.
And the winner is…Winn Dickme
Then we decided to name someone. Three “Justs” entered the circle, but only one would leave with a hash name. That turned out to be the birthday girl, Just Carolyn.
Just Carolyn is 23 years old, and studied International Studies and Spanish at the University of Wisconsin. She’s from Milwaukee, and received an alouette at the Tour duh Hash. Just Carolyn lost her virginity in Spain at age 19 in the back seat of a car of unknown make with a man whose name she cannot recall. The chicken is her favorite farm animal. Her favorite sexual position is doggy style, and the most interesting place she’s ever had sex is a bathroom (was it a Burger King bathroom?). She admitted to swallowing over spitting, but says she usually does neither. Also, she once awoke wondering if she’d had sex the night before. Let’s see what suggestions we had for her.
Special Feel in An Oldsmobile
Dontcha Blow?
Libido Loco
Wiscumsin
Scandalabian
Cock Her Spaniard
Pack Her Pooper
But we named her…Cheesy Sanchez
Then, it was on on to Buffalo Billiards. I left early to spend quality time with your mom. She says you should call more often.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1195 June 30, 2008 New York Avenue Metro
Hares: Semen On The Pew, Taster’s Choice, Second Cumming, Meat Lover
Virgins: Just Max, Just Leanna, Just Corigan
Visitors: Nobody likes us, so they didn’t visit.
Brew Crew: Please Step Away From The Whores, Easy Like Sunday Morning
Beer Bitch: Just Jim
Analversaries: We didn’t identify any of those.
Long Time No Seers: Hair Pie, Test Tube Baby, Dick Chair, Tapped Three Times, Looney, Any Cock’ll Do
OnOnOn: Pap and Petey’s
Let me begin by saying that the start location for this trail was unique. We started in front of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. Apparently, the best way to avoid detection by The Man is to hide out on his front doorstep. However, that did put a bit of a damper on the pre-circle drinking. That is, if “a bit of a damper” means something akin to “no way in hell”. But I digress. Given the location, we all expected a special Semen On The Pew ghetto hash. We were not disappointed. Ghetto we wanted, and police presence we got. That’s right. We were in just the right kind of neighborhood for the walker’s hare to admit that it wasn’t safe to be there. You can either imagine how that turned out, or you can forgo your imagination altogether and read about it in the violations. I’m serious when I tell you that recovery from a hamstring injury wasn’t the reason I wanted to start running on this trail. We enjoyed a creative trail through the ‘hood, and even found a few friendly civilians to talk to during the beer check. Unfortunately, A Salt My Ass and Gaystation struck out with the female civilians in the group. Better luck next time, fellas! On on to violations.
Violations:
Just Max: Brought a brand new pair of r*nning shoes so he and No Child Left Behind could share a drink from them.
Second Cumming: Admitted out loud that the neighborhood through which we were walking was not safe. That sounded an awful lot like safety third to me.
Hares: Ran the pack through someone’s bedroom. Never mind that it was under a bridge, it looked like private property.
No Child Left Behind: As soon as Just Jim was nominated as beer bitch, she noted that he was too old for her.
A Salt My Ass & Gaystation: Attempted child molestation on trail when they were hitting on the two underage girls they met at the beer check.
Leggs Over Easy: Expressed a preference on trail for hard lickers. Maybe that was liquors. Who knows?
No Child Left Behind & Just Corigan: Plan to attend an excellence in hashing seminar, also called an alcoholism research conference.
Obeastiologist: Moments after Titly Winks carried her dog up the hill, he decided to ride his dog up.
Blow Jack: Having phone sex with Motormouth’s mom on trail.
Gaystation: Overheard on trail saying “my ass only hurt a little bit in the morning.”
Hares: Semen On The Pew was envious of the Verne Troyer sex tape, and decided to hare with Mini-Me.
Hash Shit:
The Hash Shit was present with Motormouth, who earned it with a trip to the drunk tank. Our fearful RA, Cock A Doodle Do Me almost stopped the nomination process because she was afraid of the rain that had begun to fall. Snap Crackle Poop insisted upon making one nomination. However, after he stuttered for what seemed like an eternity, Gay Guy Counter explained that Strange Ground Chuck solicited Snap Crackle Poop for sex and money. After being refused ass and cash from him, Strange Ground Chuck decided to try his luck with making that request of Gay Guy Counter. As it turns out, that was just enough information to get him awarded the Hash Shit. Go figure.
Then, it was on on to Pap and Petey’s, where we enjoyed food, beer, and live music. It was a nice place, and despite a bit less staff than we are used to, they served us well. Speaking of short-staffed, that’s usually bad news for all involved. I hear that our harriettes don’t care much for it.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter