#1193 June 23, 2008 Bill Wagner Birthday Hash in Ballston
Hares: Mellow Foreskin Cheese, Turbo Twat, Fire In The Hole, Her She Kisses, Mr. Magoo
Virgins: Just Daniel, Just Pat, Just Carrie, Just Brooklyn
Visitors: Thumper Pumper - Sir Walter Raleigh, Her She Kisses - Boston
Analversaries: None.
Long Time No Seers: None. If there are no long time no seers, you'd think we'd have more frequent analversaries. Interesting.
OnOnOn: Buffalo D's
This week, we got together to help Mellow Foreskin Cheese celebrate his 39th birthday. He's good at that celebration, as he's been doing it annually for 24 years, now. In fact, he's so good at that celebration, he got 3 very hot women whose ages only add up to a couple more than his to help him with it. I'm not sure how Mr. Magoo got invited. So, we met on a sunny afternoon for a great hash. What started as a sunny afternoon turned into a brief deluge from the sky. After the rain stopped, the trail continued with mystery hares. There was a simple brilliance in the fact that the pack didn't know who the hares were. They all had to read the trail marks instead of following hares. It was like a birthday miracle!
Violations:
Wookin' Pa Nub: Asked if it was okay to "go down" in the beer van.
Crowd Pleaser: Chose the wrong dirty, stinky crevice to go down in, and came up bloody. Safety Third!
Chicken Phucker: Got a haircut to stop people from calling him Peace O' Chum. Now we'll just call him Bad Ditch.
Blows A Tranny: Wearing the wrong yellow biking jersey for either the Tour de France or the Tour duh Hash. However, everyone liked the "safety first" theme of its color. So we made him use Safety Third.
Dairy Queen: Rain on trail, two rainbows, and no lucky charms.
Hares: Finally outsmarted the Arlington Police Department by not breaking the law.
Spinal Tap: Wants to be reincarnated as a stripper pole. More likely, though, is that it will be a fireman's pole.
Gay Guy Counter: Trying to keep harriettes dry on trail.
Fist Her And Pissed Her: Celebrated the anniversary of his first hash where he met Gay Guy Counter and decided he was right at home.
Mount My Rear: Killed 2 batteries in one night and didn't end up with a smile on her face.
Gay Guy Counter: 2 rainbows on trail for extra gayness.
Wookin' Pa Nub: He was the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow, but he was passing out cigarettes instead of gold.
Hash Shit:
Snap Crackle Poop rescued the hash shit from Akanewbie and brought it with him to the hash. Here are the wankers who probably deserved to take it from him:
Wookin' Pa Nub: Too lazy to go get his driver's license after becoming eligible last month.
Snap Crackle Poop: Put keys to Shitty Shitty Bang Bang on the hash shit, and tried to give it to a guy without a driver's license.
Gay Guy Counter: Unacceptable hash behavior, trying to keep harriettes dry.
Sucks It Blue: Moving in on Private Snowball's women by introducing himself as Private Snowball.
Motormouth: Spent a little time in the drunk tank over the previous weekend. Ask him about that.
And the winner is...Motormouth.
Then, it was on on to Buffalo D's. We ate, drank, and were merry. Good times.
On On,Gay Guy Counter
1193 June 16, 2008, Tour Duh Hash Leg #3, Eastern Market Metro
Hares: Tooth Fairy, Slurpee, Late Nite Drive Thru, Ass Spelunker
OnOnOn: Finn MacCools, 713 8th St SE Washington, DC 20003
Cuando Jane Lee atendía su pequeña dulcería en Sterling, en el condado de Loudoun, captó una nueva clientela: hispanos. Pronto la inmigrante coreana empezó a servir algunos platos con sabores salvadoreños o mexicanos.
Sus nuevos clientes la impactaron tanto al punto que aprendió algunas frases en español y hasta hacía bromas. Pero no fue hasta 2004 que se maravilló con un mercado creciente a unas millas de Loudoun, en Manassas, al borde de Prince William.
“Yo hice una broma a unos de mis clientes diciendo que quería abrir mi propio restaurante latino. Uno de ellos me dijo ‘si en verdad quieres ver a muchos hispanos anda a Manassas’”, recordó Lee a El Tiempo Latino.
La empresaria visitó la ciudad por primera vez en 2004 y observó el “boom” de los negocios latinos a lo largo de la Ruta 28. “No sabía que existía esta parte del área, me encantó”, señaló Lee, quien vive en Centreville, Fairfax.
El crecimiento de los negocios hispanos en Prince William alcanzó cifras récord, hasta un 268 por ciento en 2006, según estimados del Censo. Ese año, Prince William ocupó el quinto lugar en la nación entre los condados con mayor crecimiento de negocios latinos.
Lee, madre soltera que emigró desde Corea del Sur con sus hijos en 1987, vio en Manassas su oportunidad para alcanzar el “sueño americano”. Pidió un préstamo y compró el amplio local de 5.890 pies cuadrados en el 7911 de Centreville Road, que antes había sido un restaurante japonés.
En el otoño de 2005, inauguró su restaurante-discoteca Casa Blanca. Por fuera, el techo típico japonés daba una sensación de solemne, pero por dentro los colores fuertes, pinturas, pósters en español y la amplia pista de baile transformaban el local en un ambiente vivo.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1192 June 9, 2008 Pentagon City
Hares: Kielbastard, Bad Ditch, Oregon Grinder, Have Dick Will Travel
Virgins: Just Kuspa, Just Steve, Just Julie
Visitors: Nappy Headed Ho – Hsinchu Taiwan, Cum Is Kosher – Boston, Texas Instrument - Frankfurt
Brew Crew: Mellow Foreskin Cheese, Marco Homo
Beer Bitch: Just Lauren
Analversaries: Meat Lover – 25, Follow The Bleeder – 100, Bad Ditch – 269
Long Time No Seers: Social – I lost count of how many of you haven’t hashed in months. Really, stay in touch, will you?
OnOnOn: Sine (the bar, not the trig function)
Where should I start to tell you about this? First, we arrived to the start location to see an Arlington City Police officer waiting in the parking lot. We didn’t know if they’d read Every Day is Wednesday’s trash or Motormouth’s rant, but we were pretty sure they were interested in our party for one reason or another. As it turns out, we are just paranoid, because he left just in time for the opening circle. As it turns out, discretion kept us all sober as we circled and started onto the trail. So, sober and sullen, we all left the start with youthful enthusiasm that our sobriety would soon fall victim to the beer check. There was a bit of an incident on trail when the hares tried to murder Slip Knot. Fortunately, the Arlington City Fire Department came to the rescue, and Slip Knot is fine. He is, however, studying Kenpo, Kung Fu, Karate, and Mandarin Chinese in preparation for vengeance. After the pack endured record high temperatures during the trail, we reconvened to discuss all the stupidity on trail. Shots were fired at the end circle, but Gay Guy Counter managed to get out alive. Thank God for that. There was plenty of stupidity to discuss, and some of it is recorded here. On on to violations.
Violations:
Hares: Tried to kill Slip Knot on trail. Safety Third!
Wooly Mammaries: Arrived to start on his motorcycle with Bob Loblaw riding bitch. Seriously, can’t you do any better than that?
Follow The Bleeder: Ran his 100th WH4 trail in 100 degree weather. Safety Third!
Mammorex: Has over 100 runs with WH4, and has never hared a trail. Please, contribute something more than your five dollars per week.
Have Dick Will Travel: He’s a long time hasher and hare who apparently had no idea how “Father Abraham” goes.
Gay Guy Counter: Littering on trail immediately after passing a trash can. That’s a good reason to bring your own mug, boys and girls. You won’t be made fun of for improper disposal of a paper cup.
Meat Lover: This was the second trail she’s run where an ambulance was needed. Safety Third!
Duck Duck Bush: Wanted to be cool like Po Po Disco, and got Pint Of Guinness Stout to pee on him.
Taster’s Choice: Trying to impress kindergarten teachers with his fancy chalk holder.
Spinal Tap: Had to take out Slip Knot to ensure his win on the walker trail.
Motormouth: Abuse of the UPS slogan, which will soon be “no package too small.”
Jackoff Lantern: Suntanning accident.
Gay Guy Counter: Writing violations while Slip Knot was being attended to by paramedics. Somebody had to violate the hares.
During the beer check, we threatened to name our beer bitch, Just Lauren. At the end circle, we discussed the merits of getting to the bar before the kitchen closed, and decided that was more important than a naming. However, your scribe did get a little dirt for you. So, read up, and see what clever suggestions you can come up with for the next time you see her.
Just Lauren had to ask which first time I was inquiring about because she had her first lesbian experience at 13 years old with her friend Samantha. She was unable to remember if that happened in the woods or not, but seemed to think it was a good time.
Just Lauren had her other first time with a 22 year old man when she was 16 years old. She lied to her parents, explaining that he was 19 and in college. He was neither. Apparently, the experience was awful, and “icky.”
Just Lauren prefers her men and women intellectually challenging (not challenged; challenging), and believes that arguments are valid foreplay.
Just Lauren has had a few girlfriends, but was charmed by Lumber Jackoff when he crashed her Christmas party, and sang her a dirty song that instructed his audience to “bugger off.” Apparently, Lumber Jackoff’s mother has ESP, though, because she calls every time Just Lauren gets naked, including 2 phone calls the first time they had sex. His sister even called once that time.
Just Lauren has had sex under a pier in daylight, but was interrupted before getting a chance to have sex in a rowboat.
Her favorite movies are The Princess Bride and Airplane. She enjoys cooking, reading, and hot yoga, but loves few things more than Boggle.
Considering that she is a self-proclaimed “word nerd” it’s important that we get her a really clever name. DID YOU HEAR ME? NO PHONING IT IN THIS TIME!!!
By the way, she also psychoanalyzed Wookin’ Pa Nub at a hash. We need to know a little more about that.
The Hash Shit was busy getting Slip Knot discharged from the hospital, so we all went to the bar, where they were happy to give us food and drink for cash or credit. Sine set aside a special area for us so we wouldn't bother the locals. Sorry if you missed it. We made sure your mom got home safely.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1191 June 2, 2008 Silver Spring
Hares: Jefe Lengua, Peace O’Chum, Dyke Tyson
Virgins: Just Jenny
Visitors: Vagina Whiner – Harrisburg Hershey, Rotten Whore - Chicago
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo, One Time At Hand Camp
Beer Bitch: Mile High Baller
Analversaries: Bad Dog - 269
Long Time No Seers: Stick It In My Socket
OnOnOn: McGinty’s Public House
Some of you may remember an Every Day is Wednesday trail last year that was called Peace O’ Bad Chicken. As I recall, it was billed as the worst deathmarch of a hash EVER. Well, this was an honest to goodness redemption. The pack got shiggy, water, mud, and trail. Even the walkers got a real trail!!! I’m not kidding. We solved checks and everything. After the beer check, we were told to go back the way we came. I’m not saying it was really creative, but it did work. At the on-in, our intrepid Beer Bitch, Mile High Baller, suffered a season-ending injury, and had to have What Can Brown Do For You sub in for him. Considering that this was our first Monday night trail of the year, it’s worth noting that the pack should be reminded that it gets dark at the end of the trail. Bring your headlamps next time. Additionally, you did stupid things. Let’s talk about that. On On to violations.
Violations:
Dyke Tyson: Paranoia on trail. She thought the Comcast people wanted to arrest us.
Hares: Set a decoy beer check full of girl scouts picnicking on trail.
Squeeky: Felt a little frisky at the decoy beer check and offered to eat a brownie.
Motormouth: Identity crisis with his new farce naming.
Hares: Do-over on trail by rerunning the Peace O’ Bad Chicken.
Slip Knot: FRB the walker trail.
Shamrock Your Cock: Getting used to seeing police at the circle, she brought her own police cruiser to the beer check.
Easy Like Sunday Morning: Gave her cell phone to Snap Crackle Poop on trail. It may show up in a block of ice if you’re not careful.
Knee Deep Pussy High, Dildo Shaggins: Sex on trail with Titly Winks.
Then, the police came by to tell us we were being too loud. Apparently, it’s a new WH4 tradition. It seems that Dyke Tyson was right. Your paranoia doesn't mean they're not out to get us.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1190 May 26, 2008 Springfield-ish
Hares: Knee Deep Pussy High, Bob Loblaw, Porn To Fail, Wooly Mammaries
Virgins: Just April, Just Amy, Just Leah, another Just Amy
Visitors: Just Andrew – BFMH3, Ho Ho Motorboat - Sacramento
Brew Crew: Louisville Sucker, Can’t Find Pussy In A Haystack
Beer Bitch: Just John
Analversaries: None
Long Time No Seers: None
OnOnOn: Lucky’s Sports Theatre
Here’s what it looks like when I phone in the trash. There was a trail. Some people ran. Other people walked. It was Memorial Day. We were thankful for those who died in the service of our country. We honored them with beer and wankerism. When all that was over, we issued violations. Here they are.
Violations:
Spinal Tap: Needs to step up at home. Hasher Humper was wearing pants advertising her need for a plump, sweet, juicy pickle.
Slip Knot: Strategically placed a hole in the back of his shorts so he might get a chance at a little anal play.
Porn To Fail: Hare mutiny. Led all the walkers to a totally different trail than what was laid.
Brew Crew: Beer check in the only sunny spot of a very well-shaded road.
Blows A Tranny and Bad Ditch: Confused about religion and fetish when they found themselves wrestling with a big black snake on trail.
Meat Lover: Took a prick test and felt no effect.
Just April: Fell in love with a death row inmate, and adopted him because he likes it doggy style.
Wookin’ Pa Nub: Urban surfing on the way from the on-in to the circle. Safety third.
Porn To Fail: Performing a Ted Kaczynski impression. We expect to read a manifesto sometime really soon.
Motormouth: Relived his previous life as a kindergarten teacher when he ran a “sitting circle”.
Double Ohhh Positive: Made a concerted effort to keep Entergizer Bunny’s shoes clean and dry. The only reason to keep shoes dry is so they can serve you a clean cold beer.
2007 Tour Duh Hash Finishers: Finally got around to being recognized for overachievement.
Then, a very nice Fairfax County police officer decided to make us leave. We complied. We were sad that he wouldn’t join our party.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter