#1188 May 18, 2008 Manor Park – Like Fort Totten, but further away
Hares: Semen On The Pew, Jefe Lengua, Poop Weiner, Quarter Pounder
Virgins: Just Matt, Just Mark (Stand in virgins)
Visitors: Just Carlton, I Like Your Boobs
Brew Crew: Runs With Bulls, Please Step Away From The Whores
Beer Bitch: I Like Your Boobs
Analversaries: Tooth Fairy (finally got his 100 run mug), Dos Cum A Lot (ran about 75 hashes before getting his 25 run mug)
Long Time No Seers: A serious social event between Motormouth, Jerry Ass Trick, Lefty Loosey Rightey Tightey, Wookin Pa Nub, Poop Weiner, Semen On The Pew, and others
OnOnOn: Moroni & Brother’s Pizza
So in the past few months, we’ve seen East Bumf*ck and West Bumf*ck. But this time, we visited Central Bumf*ck, which is also known as Fort Totten. I can’t say a whole lot about the runner’s trail, because I wasn’t on it. However, the walker’s trail was a pleasant little jaunt through DC. There was no shiggy. It didn’t rain. Thank the Lord God Almighty for that, because the RA didn’t help. She waited until the rain was certainly gone before showing up. Yeah. No help at all. And, the RA didn’t keep the rain from falling on the hares when they were laying trail, either. That’s right. Our RA’s are falling down on the job. WE DEMAND GOOD WEATHER!!! This will not be tolerated any longer. The RAs should remain on notice that weather is their responsibility and their sobriety depends upon it. We’ve got down downs ready for you. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt.
We didn’t have any real virgins this week. This is a problem at the hash. Let’s start improving our recruiting, shall we? So, we recruited a couple of temporary stand-in virgins. We were also a little short on visitors, so we recruited stand-ins for those, too. We chose Just Carlton who used to be called Motormouth, and I Like Your Boobs who transplanted from Pike’s Peak a couple weeks ago. After all that, there was wanker stupidity aplenty. Here’s the scoop!
Violations:
Dyke Tyson: Decided to FRB the walker trail. Little did she know that when she turned around, she was within sight of I’d Tap That.
Knee Deep Pussy High, Bob Loblaw, Silver Spooge, Slurpee, Tooth Fairy: Race-ism. All ran the Marine Corps Historic Half Marathon.
Dyke Tyson, Put It Out, & Motormouth: Did a bad impression of the shocker. Two of them were in the pink, and one was in the stink.
Semen On The Pew: Hash abandonment. Waited until 4:30 last Sunday to tell Second Cumming that he wasn’t going to take him to the hash.
Bob Loblaw: Indicated his new favorite sexual position by wearing a cowboy hat to the hash. Apparently, Underground Railroad likes the rodeo f*ck, too.
Spinal Tap: We all know that old people like yard sales, but selling 6v batteries at the hash is crazy.
A Salt My Ass: Racing Irritable Bow Wow Syndrome into the on-in.
Cock A Doodle Do Me: It rained last week. And, she was hesitant to come to the hash until she was sure it wouldn’t be rainy this week.
Bob Loblaw & Knee Deep Pussy High: Knee Deep pointed at Bob Loblaw during the beer check and said “that’s it. That’s the whole thing.” Sorry about that.
Tooth Fairy: Premeditating a down down by wearing a race-ist shirt to the hash.
Jefe Lengua: Managed to lose his mug, and it found its way back from Georgia to DC.
Semen On The Pew: Lost his cell phone on trail.
Snap Crackle Poop brought the Hash Shit with him. He was accused of extortion, and wanted to find another wanker to keep the Hash Shit for a week or so. Here are the nominations:
Please Step Away From The Whores: Attended Gimme An Ohhh’s birthday party, and blew a tire on the way home. He passed out while trying to change the tire, and only awoke in the pouring rain when the sun came back up.
Poop Weiner: Called Queerly I’m Straight “dead sexy” on trail.
Slurpee: Encouraged the hashers on the walker’s trail with a nonverbal offer of oral sex. Ever seen a bunch of walkers start running? Yeah, I have.
And the winner is…Please Step Away From The Whores
Then, it was intimated to us that Tooth Fairy lost is 100 run mug within a minute of receiving it. So, we gave him the hash shit.
Later, we decided to discuss naming Just Carlton. It turns out that Just Carlton was trying to sleep with Chlorine Will Kill Everything at Stinko De Mayo, even after she explained that she was celibate. He arrived on Friday night to the WH4 camping trip last year with a girlfriend, and awoke Saturday morning without a girlfriend or a clue about why he was sleeping alone. He is also dark complected, and likes to please the ladies. So, we recommended the following names:
I’d Rather Not
I Only Look Black
Don’t Sit On Brown Snow
But we named him What Can Brown Do For You?
After that, we tried to name What Can Brown Do For You’s friend Just Kevin
Just Kevin once got slapped by a girl over another girl, without having slept with either of them. He has also been called Gay Guy on occasion, and happens to race his car. So we suggested names like…
Bitch Slap And No Tickle
Steve McCream
Steam My Cream
And we named him Blacker Than Carlton
After that, it was ononon to Moroni Brother’s Pizza. That was a good time. You should have been there. Your mom said hi.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1187 Mother’s Day, May 11, 2008 Shirlington
Hares: Obeastiologist, Titly Winks, It’s Butt Fucking Time, Chewbacca
Virgins: Just Megan, Just Victoria
Visitors: Wetback Mount Him and some other wanker whose name I didn’t get
Brew Crew: Hot Lunch, And How’s Her Bush
Beer Bitch: Just Tony
Analversaries: None.
Long Time No Seers: It’s Buttfucking Time, Chewbacca, Wetback Mount Him, Jerry Ass Trick, Lefty Loosey Righty Tightey
OnOnOn: Bungalow Billiards
Ahh, mom. We all love our moms. I love your moms. I’m not just saying that. I mean it. I love your mom. In fact, I loved your mom just a few minutes ago. She says hi, and reminds you that it’s bed time. I’d do what she says if I were you. Seriously, that woman can be harsh about punishment. But you already knew that, I guess. I found out the hard way. But I do love your mom.
Anyway, that’s enough about your mom. What about that trail! The first thing I can say is that our Religious Advisers failed us miserably. We don’t ask for much. Aside from some quiet time with your mom, we only ask for about 3 hours of nice weather each week. And, we put not one, but TWO people in charge of the job. I see how well that worked. They conspired to make it cold AND rainy. And the hares wept in public when they saw that the rain had washed their beautiful trail into oblivion. Yep, we would like to have followed marks. Alas, there were none left to follow. And we were cold. And wet. But we were wet on the outside, which isn’t near as much fun as the converse. Despite the rain, we still got a trail with features such as shiggy, pavement, and even a few water crossings. Yeah, that was a big surprise. In all, the trail was fun, but it’s not like a special night with your mom. Trust me. I’ve done both and I know the difference.
So, after a cold soaking, we all circled up at the finish to find two thirsty gentlemen in blue that seemed jealous of our fun. They seemed unwilling to believe that if they wanted a beer, we’d have gladly let them have one. They didn’t listen. They were a couple of surly fellows, alright. And they made us leave. We had a lot of beer we didn’t get to drink. And we had violations to issue. There is some irony here. The long dick of the law stopped the circle, and prevented the justice that was so desperately needed. They pardoned the hash from its myriad of wanker crimes. Well I demand justice! Crimes were committed! Wankers must pay their debt to hash society! Here’s a sampling of the unsolved crimes committed on trail. We’ll issue warrants before next week’s hash.
Violations:
Irritable Bow Wow Syndrome: Tried to get us kicked out of the start location by shitting in the parking garage.
And How’s Her Bush: Abuse of BNs. He set a few extra BNs on the way to the beer check. Yeah, there were SEVEN of them. Seven deadly sins and seven BNs. Coincidence? I think not!
Cock A Doodle Do Me: Bad weather. It was cold.
Blows A Tranny: Got towed up a muddy incline by a dog. That’s cheating.
Hares: Failed to lay trail on Trojan’s zen route.
Breathless: Has achieved a record of more than 100 hashes without haring.
Wetback Mount Him: Nostalgia. He had to return from Boise to get back to a real hash.
Queerly I’m Straight: Took a muddy water crossing on all fours. Funny, his mom takes it on all fours, too.
Private Snowball: Couldn’t find his car at the end location. That’s because we replaced his starting parking garage with a brand new one for the finish. He was quoted later saying that parking garages were like white people; they all look the same to him.
Runs With Bulls: From the look of the minor rug burn he had on his elbow, the motorcycle accident story was just to cover up for a little rough sex with your mom.
Hares: Failed to lay trail on Follow The Bleeder’s zen route, too.
Just Megan: Remarked that “first times don’t always go well.” We’re going to want to hear that story when we name her.
Cock A Doodle Do Me: Bad weather. It was raining.
Snap Crackle Poop brought the Hash Shit with him. I’m not saying that no one deserved to take it off his hands. However, it’s tough to get rid of the hash shit when the Alexandria police are standing next to the beer bitch with a disapproving look on their faces. So, he’s going to hang onto it for another week, and see if we get busted early next time.
After that, it was ononon to Bungalow Billiards. We gave them money, and they returned with beer and food. What a concept!
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1186 Seis De Mayo, 2008 Rockville, MD
Hares: A Salt My Ass, Cock A Doodle Do Me, RU469, Just Stacey
Virgins: Just Jen, Just Barry, Just Candace, Just Greg (Pound Me In The Ass brought him)
Visitors: Fuck Like A Rabbit – Boston, Plank – Prague, Little Shit – Frederick, Just Anya - Homeless
Brew Crew: Turbo Twat, Stop The Erection
Beer Bitch: Rear Protein Injection
Analversaries: Tooth Fairy – 102, Mount My Rear – 25
Long Time No Seers: Apparently those who leave never return.
OnOnOn: Jonathan’s Sports Pub
Where do I begin? I think it’s fair to say we finally found East Bumf*ck. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been looking for East Bumf*ck. Thanks to Jefe Lengua, we found West Bumf*ck some time ago. Apparently our hares really are great explorers. Some of us were on our way back from Stinko De Mayo, and didn’t have to drive far from there to get to this week’s hash. However, it was an absolutely gorgeous day for the hash. Apparently my stern warnings to our Religious Advisers have served us well. They knew better than to bring any rain this week.
It's also worth saying that we met one of the coolest hashers ever! His name is Little Shit, and he hails from Frederick. If you missed out on meeting this hashing legend, it is truly your loss. I do, however, have a feeling that he'll be back.
I could also quote the one of the hares, A Salt My Ass, who posted a great message to Digby’s Beer Palace saying that this was “probably the best trail ever laid in the history of WH4.” I beg to differ. A good hash? Maybe. A better than average hash? True for the walker’s trail I was on, at least. Best hash ever? I doubt it. Shameless self-promotion? Usually, I get my first violation sometime just before the opening circle. I guess I’m early this week.
Then we could discuss the environmentally friendly aspect of this week’s trail. Friendly, it was. The hares had a great idea to encourage the pack to carry trash bags, and to offer a reward for the pack member that reaches the end with the largest supply of trail trash. There was just one problem. The hares didn’t plan well enough to ensure that there was a receptacle for all that trash at the end location. So, A Salt My Ass later demanded that Silver Spooge surrender the reward because he had to take Spooge’s trash to a dumpster. Did I mention that A Salt My Ass was at least partly responsible for the lack of a dumpster? Yeah. That’s violation #2 for next week already. Man, this job is easy.
However, with all those discussions available, none of them are my favorite. No. There’s one discussion I like to have with you more than any other. I like to make fun of you for everything you do on trail. It’s the little things that make life worth the living, isn’t it? On on to Violations!
Violations:
No Name Nyet: Wearing new shoes. So we let her boyfriend And How’s Her Bush drink from them.
Cock A Doodle Do Me: At 3:30pm, she asked Knee Deep Pussy High if it was okay to start a little late. Someone forgot to tell her that we start at 3. It’s on the website. Check it out.
Duck Duck Bush: Cheating. Apparently, he was taking trash from residential trash cans to fill his eco-trash bag.
Slurpee: She’s a little bit rock and roll. She stepped on a rock, and rolled away. Safety third.
Hares: Set a true trail across the street, only to set one on the other side facing the opposite direction. Frogger’s not safe in real life. Yeah…Safety Third.
Little Shit: Betrayed his hash name on trail. Little Shit pissed.
Horn Blower: Hash addict. Professed that he quit, and would finish with the walkers, only to take off running at the next sight of a hash mark.
Turbo Twat: Supplied boiling water for the pack to drink. Safety Third.
One Time At Hand Camp: Attempted a Superman impression on trail, only to learn that he could not fly. Safety Third.
Dildo Shaggins & Holy Fuck: Sex on trail. They were at the beer check having a roll in the hay, or at least one down the hill.
A Salt My Ass: Trying to one up Jesus Christ by having two virgin parents.
Snap Crackle Poop brought the Hash Shit with him. He got it for threatening to hold out on beer until his mug was returned. But, here’s who tried to get it from him:
Cock A Doodle Do Me: For leaving her goblet at the last hash. If she wants it back, it’s on the hash shit. She was renominated for being ungrateful that her goblet wasn’t frozen in a block of ice. That happens from time to time.
Raise My Titanic: For breaking the hash shit.
Snap Crackle Poop: For quibbling with Raise My Titanic when she tried to paw at his junk. That’s bad form.
Mellow Foreskin Cheese: For ignoring his car alarm prior to the opening circle. Way to be discrete.
And the winner is…Snap Crackle Poop
Then we decided to name Just Stacey. Just Stacey is 29 year old property manager who went to JMU and majored in computer information systems. She lost her virginity at 17, but has never had sex with a woman. She enjoys missionary (lazy). She almost got caught having sex at a Howard Johnson. Apparently the HoJo is also the dormitory for JMU, and she left a star on the door to indicate that she’d be having sex. When her roommate opened the door, she shouted “Star! Star!” Her hobbies include beer drinking. She used to trip on acid and run through the woods naked, and isn’t sure if she’s smarter than A Salt My Ass. Then she got into a heated argument with Silver Spooge about whether he’s on her Facebook page. He insisted that he was “all over her facebook.” So, we tried to name her one of the following:
Porn Star
Hourly Rates
I’m Late
Spooge On My Face
Slum Lord
Red Light District
Fuck First, Ask Questions Later
A Star Is Porn
All Over My Facebook
Lucky Charms
But since all those names sucked, we threw her back. Study the story, and come up with questions you’d like to have answered before we give her a name. And make it a good one this time.
After that, it was ononon to Jonathan’s Sports Pub. I guess it was a good time. I was tired.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter