#1185 April 27, 2008 Braddock Road Metro AND the Safety Thirdest Hash EVER!!!

Hares: Cleopapsmear, A Salt My Ass, Turbo Twat, Can’t Find Pussy In A Haystack
Virgins: Just Jane, Just Mike, Just Thomas, Just Jed
Visitors: Blowjack – San Antonio, I Like Your Boobs – Transplant from Pikes Peak, Bridge Over The River Twat – San Diego, Nookie Monster – San Diego
Brew Crew: Dyke Tyson, Snap Crackle Poop
Beer Bitch: Just Ryan
Analversaries: Tooth Fairy – 100, Unfuhfuckable – 100, M. I. C. Och Shoots Blanks - 69, Mr. Magoo – 369
Long Time No Seers: Takes It Up The Ehhh, All Lickie No Dickie, Cock Smoker And The Bandit
OnOnOn: Rustico

This week features a special choose your own adventure Hash Trash. That’s right. If you want to read about violating the RA more often, go to Violate The RA. If you want to read about the Hares’ Insecurity, go to Hash Envy. If you want to read about the poor economy, go to Current Events.

Violate The RA
I’m sorry. I’ve been lax in my duties. If I had been issuing the proper violations, the RA would know better than to allow all this cold rain to move in on Sunday morning EVERY WEEK. Seriously, I think it’s going to get to a point where the pack is bitching if it’s sunny outside when we hash. So in order to avoid this calamity, I vow to ensure that our RA pays a stiff penalty for bad weather at all future hashes. Cock A Doodle Do Me, you’re on notice! No more cold rain, beeyotch! Or else. Now, go to Violations.

Hash Envy
Well, our hares this week decided to take action on their hash envy. A few months ago, the New Haven Hash got a lot of attention after a little encounter with the authorities at Ikea. Well, our trusty hares thought they might get a little attention for themselves by anonymously alerting the authorities to the powdered blob left in front of a mail box. When the pack ran through, they were greeted by a few friendly firemen who warned us to stay away from the offensive substance. Thank God we didn’t tell them who did it. We’d all be in jail. Now, go to Violations.

Current Events
Finally, I want to take a moment to discuss current events with you, and to outline a plan for future improvements. Times are tough. Money’s tight. Mortgages are being foreclosed. Beer’s getting more expensive. Everyone needs to do their part to save a few cents here and there. That’s why about ten members of the pack decided to do the right thing, and skip the beer check, going straight to the finish. Yep. We did it for you. Okay, that’s a lie. Somehow, we found the wrong part of trail. Don’t worry, we made up for our thirst at the end circle. Next week, it’s your turn to miss the beer check. It’s okay, I’ll drink your share. Anyway, let’s talk about everything you did on trail this week. Now, go to Violations.

Violations:
Can’t Find Pussy In A Haystack: Got run over by Apollo Peed before the opening circle. Safety third!
Just Jane: Got violated for the amount of time it took her to do her virgin down down. So Gay Guy Counter got called into the circle to show her how to finish a full mug of beer…using Safety Third.
All Lickie No Dickie: Hash Apathy. He skipped a hash 6 blocks away from his house last week.
Back Snatch: Took a nail through his foot on trail. Dude, Jesus did it so you wouldn’t have to. Safety third.
Trojan: Aiding and abetting hare’s treachery by standing on an X and yelling “on-on.”
Cock Smoker And The Bandit: Swooping in for sloppy seconds after Back Snatch had already been nailed on trail.
Wookin Pa Nub: After getting cut off at the end circle last week, he came prepared with a large bottle of whisky. That’s good planning.
Slurpee, Tooth Fairy, Obeastiologist: Various acts of race-ism.
Blowjack: Missed the chance to see Easy Like Sunday Morning’s breasts when she changed no more than 5’ away from him.
Easy Like Sunday Morning: If she’s going to change we want to know. Please announce it next time.
Just Jane: Suggested that we not run in the woods due to a risk of injury and poison ivy. Gay Guy Counter got to step in and do that one for her. Safety third.
Hares: Laying trail across the GW Parkway. Safety third.

Wookin Pa Nub brought the Hash Shit with him. He got it for repeatedly yelling “Mount My Rear” a month or so ago. The following wankers tried really hard to take it from him:

Cleopapsmear: For recreating the Hazmat Hash
Winn Dickme: Pedophilia on trail. Found a child’s sock in her hash clothing from last week.
Snap Crackle Poop: Terrorism on trail. He turned off the taps and threatened to leave them off until someone returned his 100 run mug.

And the winner is…Snap Crackle Poop

Then we decided to name Just Ryan. Just Ryan is a contractor working in intelligence. He’s 32 years old, grew up in Pennsylvania, and is a lazy bastard who prefers girl on top. The first time he had sex was an unspectacular affair with some girl on a waterbed. The dumbest thing he ever did was to have sex in a car that was being driven by an unlicensed friend of his. Another time, he awoke with a girl he’d had sex with to find the sheets were bloody. She didn’t tell him about that beforehand. Here’s what we had in mind for names:

Sex Period
Pork and Ride
Unintentional Hysterectomy
Cumday Bloody Cumday
Squeals on Wheels
Private Pyle
Red Beard

But we named him…Double O Positive

After that, it was ononon to Rustico. Ask Blows A Tranny if it was as much fun as the last time we were there.

On On,
Gay Guy Counter

#1183 April 14, 2008 Eisenhower Ave Metro

Hares: Pay Per View, Knee Deep Pussy High, Bob Loblaw, Taster’s Choice
Virgins: Just Kristin, Just Maria, Just Stephanie
Visitors: Just Carrie – EWH3, Just Chip – NYC & Yuma, Cocktail – San Diego Humpin’ H3
Brew Crew: Please Step Away From The Whores, Blows A Tranny
Beer Bitch: A Salt My Ass
Analversaries: Silver Spooge – 25, Jefe Lengua – 25, Please Step Away From The Whores - 200
Long Time No Seers: Please Step Away From The Whores, 3 Holer, Little Cock That Won’t
OnOnOn: Ted’s Montana Grill

Pursuant to Article 37 of the out of court settlement that I, Gay Guy Counter, executed with Blank Shot Up The Ass, the following disclaimer is issued (by the way, don’t ask about Articles 1 through 36. The court record is sealed, and nobody shall ever (and I mean EVER) discuss the terms of those Articles, as it would bring shame to my family for generations to come. I’m not kidding. It involves farm animals and video cameras.):

It shall be known to all parties that the author of the Hash Trash is not responsible or legally liable for the hysterical accuracy (or lack thereof) of said document. The Hash Trash will, in this and all future issuances, be regarded as a memoir and not as a verifiable record of fact. Further, the author of the Hash Trash will not be liable for any amount of slander, half-truths, degrading comments, or libel perpetrated in the name of a good story.

Now that we’re done with that little matter, let’s talk about this week’s trail! We love spring because it gives us just a small, but ever pleasant glimpse of what summer will bring. That includes pleasant rainfalls, trails with a little shiggy, and treacherous, death defying water crossings. At the opening circle, 57 intrepid hashers (including 3 very hard core virgins) gathered to enjoy a perfect, rainy, muddy mess of a hash. By the end circle, we were still 22 strong. A few losses were inevitable, but I think it was a good showing. Seriously, we went out for a run, and then one day, it started to rain. There was little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. I even thought about buying a shrimpin’ boat. We all got wet, which is good when we’re with your mom, but not the best when it’s just rain and polluted river water. So, during an unofficial hypothermia hash, there was plenty of time for stupidity, and the pack took full advantage. On on to violations.

Violations:
3 Holer: Carrying an umbrella on trail. Yeah, a steel-shafted lightning rod is a good idea in a thunderstorm. That’s safe…ty third.
Just Kristin: Alcohol abandonment at the beer check. Just Kristin might have been trying to save her beer for later when she dropped a half-full cup into the mug bin.
Knee Deep Pussy High: Haring her namesake trail. The whole thing was both knee deep and pussy high.
Dildo Shaggins: Unfair hash advantage, using her boobs to float across the river.
Bob Loblaw: Judging by the shiner on Knee Deep, he apparently decided to take their relationship to the next level.
Slip Knot: Impersonating the Kool Aid pitcher guy.
3 Holer: Stole the brew crew’s map in an attempt to hijack I’d Tap That.
Dyke Tyson: Complained about having wet nasty stuff dripping between her legs. Wasn’t me. That would have been her face!
Bob Loblaw: Perilous river crossing on trail. Safety third!
Gay Guy Counter: Apparently has only had sex 19 times, and is advertising for the next opportunity with a t-shirt that reads “DC Hunt 20”.
Penis Penpal: Materialism on trail. He avoided the river crossing because he didn’t want to lose his class ring.
Belching Semen: Went down (almost acceptable) in the river, and saved only her car key from submersion. Safety third!
Wookin Pa Nub: Got cut off from drinking at the hash. I mean we stopped letting him having beer. Really? How does that happen?
Cocktail: Willing to hash in Fallujah, but isn’t man enough for a little water on trail.
A Salt My Ass: Volunteered to be the test case for the eagle trail crossing.


The Hash Shit was not present. If you read the summary of Article 37 of the aforementioned out of court settlement, you know that Blank Shot Up The Ass doesn’t have the Hash Shit. As it turns out, neither does Wookin’ Pa Nub. At least he didn’t have it at the hash this week. So it is apparently Wookin’ Pa Nub who has abducted the hash shit, and left it in a well in his basement, and says things like “it puts the lotion on it’s plunger” Let’s hope he brings it back next week so we can give it to some other idiot.

After that, it was ononon to Ted’s Montana Grill. They loved us and gave us quite decent service. However, it seemed like the hares didn’t expect this to be a great on-after, as Knee Deep Pussy High and Bob Loblaw went straight home after the hash. The portion of the relationship where they have frequent sex is long gone, so we assume they hurried home to make a little progress on their respective needlepoint projects. I’m waiting for my sweater, and Dyke Tyson is looking forward to a new scarf for next winter.

On On,
Gay Guy Counter

#1183 April 13, 2008 Fairfax

Hares: Motormouth, Dial F For Faggot, Legs Over Easy
Virgins: Just Allison
Visitors: Just Maggie – DFW, Boxy Pussy – Transplant, Fiber Opdick – Carolina Trash, Big Head Small Cock – EWH3 (yeah, I know. It wasn't my idea)
Brew Crew: Shamrock Your Cock, Louisville Sucker
Beer Bitch: Presidential Nasty
Analversaries: None.
Long Time No Seers: None.
OnOnOn: John’s Place

Ah, Fairfax. The land of our brethren of the SHIT Hash. The land of the NRA. The land of wide open spaces. For those of you who don’t already know, according to its official website, the city of Fairfax Virginia is a 20,000 resident suburb located about 20 minutes from Washington, DC. I want to know what lying sack of shit made that up. Let me tell you, that trek was more than 20 minutes, and I don’t even live in DC. Somebody should be hanged for revisionism, I think. Anyway, those of us who decided to take the day trip arose at dawn, readied our traveling supplies, and headed out west. Upon our arrival, we were met by hare razors Motormouth and Dial F For Faggot, and their trusty sidekick Legs Over Easy. They promised shiggy. We got shiggy. They promised we’d need dry shoes. We needed dry shoes. They promised a shot check. We went thirsty. Bummer. Seems like the hares didn’t want the shot check to be stolen out of the car. Well, nobody stole the shot check. Know what else didn’t happen to the shot check? The runners didn’t get the shot check. That’s ‘cuz it was locked up. In the car. Very secure. I’m talking Alcatraz here. Punishment was arranged for the hares. Take it from me. Fail to deliver on a shot check promise, and you will sit on ice. After not getting the shot check on trail, the pack went on to its normal amount of stupidity. Let’s review. On on to violations.

Violations:
Tooth Fairy: Said he’d be really angry if he came all the way to Fairfax for a 3 hour pavement pounding, but the trip would be considered a success if it was a 3 hour ass pounding.
Just Allison: Ashamed of being startled by a call of “on-on”, Just Allison expressed concern that her hash name would include the word “pussy.” Let’s not forget that one, okay?
Tranny In Training: Complained that he hadn’t seen so much sludge since he was knee deep in an asian hooker.
Runner Hares: Perilous descent into tunnels. Safety third!
The Pimp Of Sarajevo: Going to Paris to take care of two pussies. Considering the Euro to Dollar exchange, isn’t that like four U.S. pussies?
Meat Lover: Said the secret for her getting through tunnels was having her pants at her knees. That’s more likely to get someone else into a tunnel.
Follow The Bleeder: Not taking care of business at home. One Girl Two Cups had to go to Dairy Queen (the place, not the hasher) to get a cup filled with chocolate.
Cock A Doodle Do Me: Bi-Curious. She wants to borrow a pussy to see if she likes having one around.
A Salt My Ass: For being a cheap bastard and trying to convince girls that a hash is a date.
Back Snatch: Kevin Bacon impression complete with denim jacket and popped collar.


The Hash Shit was not present. The Hash Shit was last seen with Blank Shot Up The Ass. If you or anyone you know has seen either the Hash Shit or Blank Shot Up The Ass, please contact the authorities. The Hash Shit is feared to be in grave danger, since it went missing in early March of this year. To date, milk carton photos have produced no leads. An Amber Alert (more like a Brown Alert, really) has been issued. If you see Blank Shot Up The Ass, do not approach him. He is believed to be unarmed and intoxicated.

Additionally, we were informed that someone called the police. Apparently, we’re the most menacing thing that’s happened in Fairfax this decade. That’s right; we’re all hardened (at least hard) criminals. So, we didn’t name anyone.

From there, it was ononon to John’s Place. The locals didn’t seem concerned by our presence, and the service was more than adequate. In fact, our wait staff did a great job.

On On,
Gay Guy Counter

1181 EWH3 “Invasion” Hash
#1181 March 30, 2008 East Falls Church Metro

Hares: Shamrock Your Cock, Obeastiologist, Cum Dumpling, Blows A Tranny, Apollo Peed
Virgins: Just Phillip
Visitors: Knight Family and Lomax Family (Paris), Is It In Yet? (Phoenix), Return to Gender (Wisconsin), Flounder Balls (Oregon), and Putts Phucker (??)
Brew Crew: Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack and Small Wonder
Beer Bitch: Just Lauren
Analversaries: Oral Support (17 Runs with EWH3), Saskatchewsnatch (25 Run Mug with WH4), Pimp of Sarajevo (69 Run Shorts with EWH3), and drum roll please… For Sale Or Rent (500 Runs with WH4!!)
Long Time No Seers: Who? Exactly… cum more often.
OnOnOn: Clare N’ Don’s (no longer in Clarendon, not nearly as clever)

About the trail… Most subtle invasion ever… we never saw it comin’. Nor have we ever seen so many walkers! Was it the prom the night before? Or was it the inevitable tunnel running that the East Falls Church trails are known for? We also saw an inordinate number of youngsters on this trail, and it wasn’t just because EWH3 invaded… I don’t know how you hashers over in France do things, but WH4 is no place to bring your daughters!

Violations:
Shamrock My Cock: Phallic Rorschach violation… the rest of us saw a statue of a building; she saw a giant rocket about to go off. Been a while, has it?
Puts It Out: Ducked behind the bushes when his co-workers drove by… it’s like he’s ashamed of us or something.
Et Tu Buttay: Bragged about how she didn’t have to work on Monday so she was free to get her drink on… allow us to help you along.
Sir Jerks A Lot: Lost his mug… might want to wash that.
Rear Protein Injection: Violated himself… in public.
Cleopapsmear: Asked for a Rear Protein Injection in the circle… even though the bruises on her backside suggest that perhaps she already got one. (that’s right bitches… I just violated myself)


Hash Shit: No Show!! Who’s got it?


Time for a Naming!

Meet Just Josh… he’s the one who came ill-prepared and had to pilfer the lost and found bucket from the prom to avoid hyperthermia. Josh spent 6 years servicing, I mean serving, his country in the Army. He works in radiology, likes hittin’ it from behind, and almost got blown by a tranny once. Almost? Right.

At the mention of Pittsburgh, some hasher in the know asked if Josh has ever “eaten at The Dirty O”… turns out this is NOT a euphemism for tuckas lingus, it’s an actual dining establishment. It seems Josh has also spent some time trolling for tranny ass in various parking lots in Austin, leading us to believe that he’s be Porkin’ a Lot… but we were wrong.

Turns out Josh also enjoys the occasional golden shower, though Floral Sex claims she’s never obliged. This brought a slew of nominations, to include Cockwork Yellow, Sunny With a Chance of Showers, Peon Pierre, and I Pee Freely, among others… but none of these seemed to work for the crowd. Sometimes we here in the good ole US of A forget how lucky we are to have, not only, the right to be peed on if we so choose, but a military that is armed to defend our right to make that choice… and that’s why we here at WH4 are proud to name Just Josh our Defender of Peedom.

God Bless America…

Lessons Learned:
-It’s good to be an American. And a gansta’…


On On,
Cleopapsmear