#1175 February 24, 2008 West Hyattsville (Looks like East Bumf*ck to me)
Hares: Jeffe Lengua, Squeaky, Catch Her In The Thighs, Just Breech
Virgins: Just Justin
Visitors: Target Practice (kind of a Long Time No Seer, too)
Long Time No-Seers: Target Practice
Beer Bitch: Just Ron
Analversaries: Knee Deep Pussy High – 100
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo, Small Wonder
OnOnOn: Acapulco Spirit

We all traveled over hill and dale to your mom’s house. Oh sorry, that was another occasion. We went all the way to West Hyattsville for a beautiful day of hashing. Then, as the Brew Crew poured the first pre-circle beer, the cops showed up. Game over. Thank God that our GM, Knee Deep Pussy High was sober enough to talk to them without getting arrested. Some GMs don’t really know how to work that angle. I’m just saying. So, after averting disaster, it was on on to trail. It was a lucky coincidence that some of the pack brought their magnifying glasses so they could see the uber-tiny marks laid by the hares. I was beginning to wonder if the trail had been laid by oompa loompas. However, I truly became worried that I was trapped in a twisted fantasy when I saw that Just Ron had found the golden ticket in the form of the shiniest pair of golden shoes ever seen. My God, I was almost blinded. And trust me that has absolutely nothing to do with masturbation. If I wasn’t blind by eighteen, that’s a myth. But I digress. On on to violations.

Violations:
Hares: Trail was a lot like my job; small checks.
Just Justin: New shoes. For Sale Or Rent brought him, so she got to use his shiny new drinking vessels.
Back Snatch: Expressed concern for the effect of the electromagnetic field from the power lines. Safety Third.
Hares: Size does matter. Small true trail arrows were tough to read.
Gay Guy Counter: Combo violation for alcohol abuse and racist behavior. Spilled his beer while stretching at the beer check.
IKEA Hazmat Anniversary Hashers: Anyone planning to go to New Haven for the event.
Hares: Laid a trail over the bridges of Prince Georges County.
Bob Lowblaw: Planning to get lucky because he picked up something old and flat on trail.
Private Snowball: Lost his wood on trail. By the way, if a tree falls on trail and doesn’t hit a hasher, is it still safety third? Yes it is. Turns out that safety third isn't one size fits all, so Blows A Tranny had to stand in for him.
No Child Left Behind: Refused to issue a violation for fear of retribution. Okay, now you can try retaliation.
Follow The Bleeder: Anticipating a Major Discharge in the near future.

Hash Shit:
Dildo Shaggins brought the Hash Shit with her. She got it because she was really drunk at the incumming mismanagement hash. So drunk she didn’t remember why she got the hash shit. The following wankers tried their best to take it from her:

Bad Ditch: Left her pajamas at Dildo Shaggins’ house, but Dildo didn’t remember whose they were.
Bob Lowblaw: Playing his “horn” in the circle. Yeah, he did.
Private Snowball: Opened and closed an act in the same night. We had the bright idea that he should teach us new songs at the circle. We just thought he was going to teach good ones.

Yeah, Private Snowball went home with the Hash Shit.

Then, we decided to name Just Breech. Just Breech was brought hashing by her cousin Squeaky, and Squeaky’s husband Jeffe Lengua. At her virgin hash, Just Breech got drunk, flashed the circle, and made out with three boys including Presidential Nasty. Her favorite sexual position is “yes, please.” She went on the Jolly Roger Pirate Hash cruise this year. While there, she managed to fall face first on flat pavement. Incidentally, she also made it to the High Heel Race last year, where she made out with a drunk girl who she carried away over her shoulder.
Suggested names include:

Head First
Nasty First Lady
Face Down Ass Up
Dirty Pirate Hooker
Mrs. Morgan
Captain Munch
Barbarian Babe
Ass Protector
Drag Me Licking And Screaming
Like A Record

But then we named her…Me Jane You Come

Then it was on on to Acapulco Spirit, where we had plenty of good food. They were very happy to have us, accommodated us with separate checks, and served us well. Then we all found out why the relationship between Knee Deep Pussy High and Bob Lowblaw. When drunk, she makes out with girls, and he kisses Queerly I’m Straight.

On On,Gay Guy Counter

#1174 February 17, 2008 Exes Are False Trails Hash

Hares: Gay Guy Counter, Rambutt, Cock Strikes 12, Planes Trains & Automobiles

Virgins: Just Todd, Just Ron, Just Andrea, Just Tom, Just Guthrie

Visitors: GI Jane, Sister Michael – Turkbekistan (on his world tour, ending at the World Interhash in Perth, Australia)

Long Time No-Seers: Those who have left have stayed gone

Beer Bitch: Just Craig

Analversaries: One Eyed Willy – 25

Brew Crew: Hot Lunch, See Colon Enter

OnOnOn: Rhodeside Grill

This trail was about relationships and breakups. Let’s talk about all the ways that this trail resembled them. Appropriately, it started out light, easy, and fun. Then, there was a little discomfort, a few too many complaints, and some serious broken promises. Something about a shot check I can’t really remember. And then something beautiful ended with five perfectly innocent people sitting on bags of ice. The truth is that this trail was all about getting f*cked and avoiding X’s. By the way, I won’t be calling your mom any time soon. Sorry about that. In the end, the pack was so unhappy with its relationship to the hares that they began drinking more excessively than normal, and ran the brew crew out of beer. There was almost no beer left for our naming. For SHAME!!! Given that we ran out of beer, that must have been one hell of a good circle. Well, no, maybe the pack just wanted to bask in the glory of icing their hares. Yeah, I’ll bet that was it. Thank God that Gay Guy Counter told Snap Crackle Poop where the convenience store was. THAT was a stroke of brilliance if you don’t consider the whole ice episode. Snap Crackle Poop’s betrayal of Gay Guy Counter is typical of a broken relationship if I might say so.

Trail was followed by an awesome circle but Cock A Doodle Do Me already gets enough attention so moving on......

Violations B!tches:

Hares: Eco-friendly trail. Not a single grain of flour or stick of chalk was wasted.

Wooly Mammaries: Thought he had locked himself out of I’d Tap That, only to learn that he was trying to break into someone else’s big white van.

Jeffe Lengua: Apparently prefers women with big, puffy lips. He was quoted as saying “camel toes are sexy.”

Jackoff Lantern: Tripped over a doggy bowl of water at the beer check, and complained about being wet.

Whacks On Whacks Off: Upset about how many dogs were on trail, so he decided to pee on trail and mark the territory.

Just Andrea: Overachieving. Just Andrea got divorced in 2007 when she found out about the upcoming “Exes Are False Trails” hash.

3 Ring Cervix: Reading a trashy romance novel on trail. There’s plenty of trashy sex to be had at the hash.

Hares: It’s clear that they didn’t work any harder at their marriages than they did on this trail. Otherwise, they’d all still be married.

Coin Operated: Hopefully, her sex life is better than her parking abilities. Otherwise, nobody would ever get in.

Gay Guy Counter: Lost his mug while it was still in his hands. If he were making better use of it, it would have been harder to lose.

Cock Strikes 12: For spooning Can’t Find Pussy In A Haystack Friday night at the EWH3 ski trip.

Hares: It’s okay to anxiously await the return of your savior, but don’t do so by holding the end circle in a parking spot that reads “reserved for J.C.”

Poop Weiner: Needed to go home with a woman so badly that he was happy to go to jail with one of Arlington’s finest on the off chance that she was using the handcuffs as a recreational device.

Mt. My Rear: Drained the batteries on a personal electronic device at the hash. My God, that girl’s enthusiastic!

Hash Shit:

There was no hash shit present today.

Then, we decided to name Just Craig. Just Craig went to George Washington University, is a systems engineer working in nuclear detection, and happens to be married. His wife is gracious, and gives him plenty of freedom to come to the hash. He grew up in upstate New York. Just Craig’s most interesting and embarrassing sexual moment was the New Year’s Eve Party where he had sex in front of a reasonably large group of partiers. The pack worked hard to provide him a name that had something to do with the theme of the trail.

Suggested names include:

Baby New Queer

My Wife Let Me Come Once

Cock Hugger

Future Ex Husband

Ex Factor

50% Off

Supervised Play

Chugger

But then we named him…Crowd Pleaser

Then it was on on to Rhodeside Grill, where we had plenty of additional beer and food. At least they didn’t run out of beer.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter

#1174 February 10, 2008 Vienna Metro

1174 S.H.I.T. Invasion Hash

Hares: Fire in the Cornhole, B!tch Where My Money, and Budhi Jumper

Virgins: Just Kristen, Just Kyoko, and Just Taeko – Evil Jesus and Pork n’ Cheese made them come… and Just Pete – the internet made him come… (I think he speaks for all of us).

Visitors: Self Cummer – Brussels H3 (transplant) Welcome!

Brew Crew: A-Salt My Ass (don’t mind if I do) and Blows a Tranny (I totally heard that he does)

Beer Bitch: Screws on First

Analversaries: None!

Long Time No Seers: Side Show Boobs, Fire in the Cornhole, and Evil Jesus (even though I’m sure I violated him at a hash not long ago, don’t tell Pork n’ Cheese!)

OnOnOn: Glory Days… they didn’t seem to be expecting us, but they were very accommodating.

About the trail… O’ WH4, where art thou? With S.H.I.T. hares and an EWH3 RA, I’m not sure we should even get a run count for this one. The S.H.I.T.ers laid a live trail for us… plenty o’ shiggy and Turkey/Eagle split. Just as we were starting to get thirsty, two kegs appeared like a mirage in the desert… but much like the desert, they were dry. Not a nice trick, hares… and neither was setting up the actual beer check in a Hazmat zone (Safety Third’s coming out today!) A few hashers took the S.H.I.T. theme a little too seriously and left some steaming piles on trail… but most of them were our four-legged friends.

Violations:

Apollo Peed and Irritable Bow Wow Syndrome: Pooping on trail.

Brew Crew: Brought no water, only ice. We could make them sit on the ice so it would melt, but who’d want to drink it then?

Test Tube Baby: This should have been a Sex on Trail violation, but he forgot to take his little blue pill… leaving Bang Her & Hash less than satisfied.

Wookin’ Panub: Rustled up those barking spiders the hares mentioned in their announcement… seems as though there must have been a water crossing on their trail though.

Wrong Number: For uttering the words, “Can I mount that” on trail… I don’t know, seems like fairly acceptable hash behavior to me. Too bad Hermaphrodites on Unicycles beat him to the action.

The Hares: For not policing up their sex toys… they left their Dildo (Shaggins) on trail.

Hash Shit:

I nominate the Metro Police, for showing up and ruining our fun. Thankfully, Dildo Shaggins has graciously volunteered to hang onto the Hash Shit for them so they don’t feel the need to show up again next week… ahem.

No naming this week!

Lessons Learned:

-When the Metro Police show up and ask you to leave, evacuate the area as quickly as possible… but be sure to empty your drinking vessel prior to getting into your vehicle, Evil Jesus.

On On,

Cleopapsmear

#1172 February 3, 2008 Semen’s Special Ghetto Hash

Hares: Semen On The Pew, Tap Three Times, Randy Baby, The Pimp Of Sarajevo

Virgins: Just Irene

Visitors: Tommy D, Randy Baby, Malignant Tits, Mr. Beanie Weenie, Just Jeff, Just Ed, Wrong Number

Long Time No-Seers: Apparently no one was gone for several weeks. No one. Nope, your faithful scribe has been here the whole time. Trust me.

Beer Bitch: Just Meg

Analversaries: Can’t Get Beaver, A Red River Runs Through It

Brew Crew: Takes It Up The Ehhh, See Colon Enter

OnOnOn: Argonaut

Our stunt cock/GM Tooth Fairy introduced our pre-Super Bowl trail. Wow! This trail was VERY interesting. It was long (like my cock). It was warm (like I’m hoping your snatch is). There were balls flying at our faces. Trust me, I’m new at that, but some of the harriettes on trail were reasonably comfortable with the situation. There was even murder on trail. I’m not kidding about this! We saw a sign on trail offering a $25,000 reward for information regarding the capture of the idiot who shot some other idiot dead on trail in broad daylight. There were even teddy bears nailed to the tree on trail. You can’t make this shit up, people! So Semen On The Pew and friends took the pack on a ball-flying, ghetto tromping, run through downtown DC. And we all survived thanks to our regional ambassador, Private Snowball. More on that later. On On to violations.

Violations:

Hares: Almost making Et Tu Bootay drop her bra to bribe the golf course marshall. What’s this ALMOST bullshit?

Drip Dry: Unwilling to shut up on trail.

Poop Weiner: Unwilling to put something in Drip Dry’s mouth to keep her from talking so much.

Semen On The Pew: Wanted to get a round of golf in on trail, and even wore the appropriate plaid pants.

Rear End Loader: (warning REL is not wearing a shirt in this picture, view at your own risk) Drove to Philly for cheaper beer, and found that the gas money was well worth it.

Hares: Brew crew was approached twice by police while setting up the beer check.

Hares: Golf course in February – acceptable. Not adjusting the plan for a golf course on an unseasonably warm day – priceless.

Et Tu Bootay: First day of real work on Monday. Let’s get her trashed today.

Wrong Number: Avoiding any place that’s wet. I simply can’t tell you how wrong this is.

Slurpee: For pointing out that we’d be fine in the bad neighborhood, thanks to our regional ambassador, Private Snowball.

RA Cock A Doodle Do Me: Violating Queerly I’m Straight. ‘Nuff Said.

Hash Shit:

There was no mention of the hash shit today. So, we had a competition for the opportunity to use Safety Third! And what an exciting contest it was. Here were the nominations!

Hares: Mugged while laying trail. Fortunately, they had nothing to lose or give at the time.

Hares: Forcing the pack to endure balls flying at their faces.

Hares: Murder on trail.

Hares: Stopped by police and advised to “stay together and leave this part of town as soon as possible.”

And the winner was…

Hares, with Semen On The Pew performing the dirty deed for all four of them.

Then Tooth Fairy decided to brag about how to do it right, and got the chance to revisit the safety third user training seminar, originally given by True Tail. The problem with their recommended usage is that it doesn’t fare well when you’re wearing sleeves. Be sure to ask Tooth Fairy about that, won’t you?

Then, we took the opportunity to name Just Meg. Just Meg is a neuropharmacologist. Google the definition for more info. Just Meg’s favorite position is Cowgirl because it’s a good workout for her thighs. She’s got four cats. Her most kinky experience was a threesome in college (FFM that is). Her preferred farm animal is a chicken. She shoots pool, and apparently has an affinity for young men (13 years her junior or 13 years old, I couldn't quite hear what she said). Suggested names include:

My Cocks A Floppin’

Cradle Knobber

Sexercise

Take Me Twice And Call Me In The Morning

Three’s Company

Chin and Tonic

No Cunt-ry For Old Men

But we named her…No Child Left Behind

Then it was on on to the Argonaut, where we had an inordinate supply of cheap PBR and half price wings. Good times.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter

1171 Springfield

#1171 January 27, 2008 Springfield Metro

Hares: Assorted Incumming MisManagement

Virgins: Nary a one…

Visitors: Rotten Whore from Chicago. Hey… I used to work there…

Brew Crew: Chicken Phucker and some other awesome hasher.

Beer Bitch: Just Jenn (stay tuned… she gets named)

Analversaries: Winn D*ck Me – 69 Runs

Long Time No Seers: Et Tu Buttay, Imaginary Girlfriend, Poke An Eye Out, and Takes it up the Eh… there may have been more…

OnOnOn: Lucky’s

About the trail… it was very cold and long… I think it’s time for this scribe to start running again, but something tells me I’m glad I didn’t start that day. The ever generous hares provided a shot check with the choice between a red Throw Me Down and F*ck Me and some yellow one with a less awesome name. Of course there was a beer check… and then back to the parking garage for ending circle. The advance party (auto-hashers) felt it was too windy atop the parking deck and thoughtfully moved the circle to a location (also atop the parking garage) behind a chain-link fence about 5 feet away… good call, much warmer there.

Violations:

Winn D*ck Me: Found bush on trail and refused to share… don’t worry fellas, there’s plenty of that to go around at the hash... bush, that is… not Winn D*ck Me.

Give Me an Oohh: Nominated for best dressed at the Holiday Party/AGM the evening before… Congrats to her, but wait, was she even there? No…

Taster’s Choice: Made a list of the beers available at Finn McCool’s and checked them off as he drank them. We here at WH4 really admire that sort of determination and drive… not to mention an organized and thoughtful approach to drinking.

Rotten Whore: Turns out she barely qualifies as a visitor, since she seems to be here more than she’s gone… sounds like a former RA I know.

Blah Blah Blah: For making out with Queerly I’m Straight… that’s right, you heard me.

Hash Shit:

There was really no need for any further noms after Slurpee and Dildo Shaggins... all I can say is, it’s a good thing we didn’t all go to the recovery run and chug mimosas that morning, or we might have all been rolling around in the middle of the circle giggling. The “honor” went to Ms. Shaggins though when Jack Off Lantern informed us of that while he prefers a pro-active approach to birth control on trail (condoms), she prefers a re-active approach (coat hanger). *Note to the RA here… abortion is the opposite of safe sex.

And now it’s time for a naming… and a quick one at that!

We named our illustrious beer bitch, Just Jenn. Turns out she’s a former card carrying lesbian… seriously, we saw the card. Something tells me this may be a case of nature vs. nurture though… I mean, she went to an all girls’ school… perhaps just a lesbian by default? Anyway, these days she’s diving for eels, not muffs, and it was (wait, somebody check the prompter… I think we’ve got a typo here. No? Ok…) It was Follow the Bleeder who turned her! (Future violation for Bleeder here… we’re not sure what you were trying to say, but it is never cool to describe your girlfriend as Homely.)

Only a few noms here… remember, I said it was a quick one. Turns out she’s into S&M, which prompted the suggestions Slash & Burn and Virgin Sacrifice. Despite our best efforts not to name people based on their current hash hook up, Bloody Cream Cheese was nominated (please don’t ask me to repeat the cream cheese reference for an explanation here). Finally it was 1 Girl, 2 Cups that won the crowd, and the RA, over… maybe because it was cold, maybe because we were too scared to hear any more of Just Jenn’s sex stories. *Note here… this scribe seems to have been living under a rock, because until I did some research today, I had no idea why that name was clever… I’m really wishing I still didn’t.

Lessons Learned:

-Write the trash as soon as possible after the hash, because the cryptic notes you write yourself that Sunday, will mean nothing a week later. Anyone know what “BBA V+V” means?

-Do not ask a former lesbian who’s into S&M her most embarrassing sex moment, because I assure you, only you will be embarrassed after she tells you.

On On,

Cleopapsmear