#1167 January 6, 2008 Van Dorn Station-ish

Hares: Jack Off Lantern, Knee Deep Pussy High, Just Karen, Cock A Doodle Do Me, Bad Ditch

Virgins: Just Sheila, Just Steve, Just Jim, Just Tom, Just Mina

Visitors: Dick-o-lo – Orlando, Ass Ass In – Perth Hammersly, Mr. Bean – New England, Cums On Vacation – Happy Valley

Long Time No-Seers: Ms. Cream Jeans, Crouching Boner Hidden Drag Queen, VAM

Beer Bitch: Just Breech

Analversaries: The Pimp Of Sarajevo

Brew Crew: Turbo Twat, Mellow Foreskin Cheese

OnOnOn: Jack Off Lantern’s Masquerade Supply Shop

What a trail! Well, I should write “what a trail?” I was on walker, and couldn’t say too much about the runners’ trail. However, it did manage to bloody at least one member of the pack, so there was some value there. Additionally, the hares managed to take us through a toxic waste dump, also known as “behind a Mexican restaurant,” in complete violation of the Geneva Convention’s provisions regarding chemical and biological warfare. Then, it was on to the decoy beer check. What sick group of miscreants would run the entire pack through a parking lot full of nondescript white vans, and not expect calamity? Oh yeah, they’re listed above. There was even some confusion regarding how the beer check was marked, but since I’m heavily medicated as I write this, you don’t get any more information than that. Lucky for you, I wrote down all the stupidity we discussed at the end circle. Here are the violations!

Violations:

Obeastiologist: Apparently, beermile.com lists OB as the only participant and finisher of the 2007 DC beer mile. Shameless self promotion. Still, the date was wrong.

Ass Ass In, Just Steve, Just Jim: All brought shiny new beer mugs to the hash. Oh, wait. Those were shoes. Funny, they still hold beer.

Hares: Violation of the Geneva Convention provision against chemical and biological warfare on trail.

Dick Tac Toe: Looking for bush on trail would be acceptable, but he was literally interested in the fauna when he asked “is that a warm weather plant?”

Lube Me Up Scotty: Strike one! She attempted to smack Dairy Queen on the ass and caught little more than air.

Hares: Game insurance on trail. The trail was littered with porn for those who might not have someone to go home with after the on on on.

Just Craig: Had to wipe his face and hands after the porn was passed around at the beer check. Save some for later, okay?

Snatch Shot: Plans to attend the on on on mask making event only so she can eat the paste.

Cock A Doodle Do Me & Terminal Atrocity: Greeted each other in a twisted canine fashion, smelling each other’s armpits.

Obeastiologist: Got himself a new heart rate monitor, and begs Titly Winks to let him wear it during sex.

Tranny In Training: Took up smoking for the last 50 yards of trail. This is not the SHIT hash!

Hash Shit:

There was no mention of the hash shit today. Sorry.

Then, we took the opportunity to name Just Karen. This is how it went down. Just Karen’s favorite position is Cowgirl. During her youth, she was a competitive figure skater. She performs vaginal ultrasounds for a living, and enjoys rollerblading and photography. Thanks to her profession, she once had to ask a Spanish-speaking customer to “open the love window,” and she has seen a woman with two vaginas. This particular lass was pregnant in the left one, as she was saving the right one for her second marriage. Suggested names include:

Examine My Bush

Double Your Pleasure

Hello Pussy

Wet Dream

Double Barrel

Door Number Two

Tonya Hard On

Love Window

But we named her…Righty Tightey Lefty Loosey

Then it was on on to Jack Off Lantern’s place to make masks for the WH4 AGM Carnival celebration. If you didn’t make one, that anonymous hookup you were hoping for just got a bit more complicated. Never fear, though. Get yourself a mask, some feathers, and a little glue and make your mask before the party. Just make sure you put the glue and feathers on the outside. You have already registered, haven’t you? What? You haven’t? Hurry up! It’s going to be a fantasy in real life with alcohol, food, alcohol, drunken hookups, an AWESOME giveaway, maybe a few drinks, and hopefully a drunken hookup or two. I’m really looking forward to seeing your mom there.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter

1165 Vienna Sausage

#1165 December 30, 2007 Vienna

Hares: Thong Butt Not Forgotten and Gay-Rod

Virgins: Just Liz and Just Danny

Visitors: Crackatoa (Moscow); Sextoy (Hogtown); Can’t F*ck Dust, R U In?, and Just David (all from Albuquerque)

Brew Crew: It’s Buttf*cking Time, and Chewbacca

Beer Bitch: R U In?

Analversaries: Microsoft - 200 Runs (Get a life!)

Long Time No Seers: Moist Sushi, Pullz it Out, R U In?, Pork n’ Cheese, Evil Jesus, 3 Ring Cervix, Raise My Titanic, and Holy Mackerel

OnOnOn: Glory Days… for some folks anyway.

About the trail… it was cold and rainy… and in Vienna, but the hares made it up to us by kick starting the New Year’s celebrations with shots of the bubbly… and at $5.99 a bottle, you KNOW it had to be good!

Violations:

Peace O’ Chum: Abused her position as Hab by breaking into the stock of shirts to layer up and get warm.

Evil Jesus: Knocked up his wife just so that he’d have a DD

Private Snowball: Complaining that he only has bad sex… what’s the one consistent in all those trysts? Hmm… might want to work on that.

Silver Spooge: Drinking a Clamato cocktail on trail… you say Cla-MAY-to, I say Cla-MAH-to

Can’t F*ck Dust: For being unable to avoid the wet crack… (I know someone who’s not complaining!)

Crackatoa: Actually violated herself… but that’s ok, we would have violated her anyway for telling that long of a story.

Raise My Titanic: May have just completed her Master’s Degree, but she still couldn’t figure out how to work Safety Third without taking her top off.

Hash Shit:

Bob Loblaw: For skipping Christmas with the family so that he’d have more runs than Jack Off Lantern…

Jack Off Lantern: For being jealous.

US Boobs and Oral Report: For trying to run away from the Hash Shit

All of these are much better noms than the actual “winner”, which was…

Gay-Rod: Honestly, I’m still not sure here… he was accused of having new shoes, but no hare is that foolish, and didn’t we take care of that during the violations?

Now, there was certainly no need for a naming here… it was cold and wet, and we had fought the parking garage acoustics all circle… and well, we just didn’t have anyone to name really. But that did not deter us! The hares informed the RA that we needed to kill time until the Redskins game ended because the bar wouldn’t be able to accommodate us just yet (Note to future hares: there’s a lesson to be learned here…)

So we decided to name Just David from ABQH3… even though the only one who knows him here is R U In?. She was fully on board with this plan though because, apparently, the ABQH3 is LAME and he’d get a much better name here. Let’s hope we can deliver…

Just David hails from Casper, Wyoming and he works as a Penetration Systems Engineer… yes, penetration systems, I can’t make this stuff up. (Well I could, but I didn’t). He also went to mine school… that’s mine, not mime.

Area 69 was nominated right off the bat… it was good, but perhaps we shot our load a little too early in the game with that one, still plenty of time to go. In response to the cringe-worthy question, R U In?, someone suggested Can’t You Tell?, which is good, but let’s not jinx them. Pullz It Out and crew were pushing hard for Hind-Stone Cowboy, but this scribe just couldn’t hear what the heck they were saying, and therefore thought it was lame (I blame parking garage acoustics). Other noms worth mentioning include Anal Miner, Spewlunker, and No Depth Perception. But in the end, it was Read My Lips’ exuberant nomination of Minor Shaft that won the crowd over (note the spelling).

Despite all our efforts, we still arrived at the bar around the end of the 3^rd quarter…

On On,

Cleopapsmear

#1164 December 23, 2007 Shaw/Howard U

Hares: Test Tube Baby, Just Lyn, Back Snatch

Virgins: Just Stavely

Visitors: Pity Fuck – Orlando, A Long Time Fuck – Free China, Skidmarks - Hockessin

Long Time No-Seers: Rambutt, Oregon Grinder, Anal Avenger, Back Snatch, 3 Ring Cervix, Takes It Up The Ehhh, Hungry Hungry Homo, Sir Shaves A Lot, Storming The Bitches Of Normandy, Test Tube Baby, Pulls Out Early

Beer Bitch: Just Craig

Analversaries: Apparently, everyone has a life this week.

Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo, Takes It Up The Ehhh

OnOnOn: Test Tube Baby’s house

It was a dark and stormy night... Okay, more accurately than that, it was a cold and rainy afternoon. Seriously, this is the 732^nd trail in a row where I get to brag about getting wet on trail. And I’m not alone. Everyone got wet on trail. AGAIN! This pre-Christmas hash was pre-laid and re-laid. It’s no wonder we all got wet. Surprisingly, it was a lot less fulfilling than I expected. After the hash, I had to change out of my wet clothes, but there was no cuddling whatsoever. I expected cuddling, dammit! However, we did get to enjoy some proper Brittish fare cooked up by Just Lyn. While there may not have been any cuddling, there was stupidity. On on to violations.

Violations:

Anal Avenger: Arrived at the start and asked if there was a walker’s trail because he had run to the hash.

Wookin’ Pa Nub: Took a booty call on trail, but chose poorly and stayed on trail with the pack.

Skid Marks: Peeing on trail. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem but he was unaware That this was supposed to be a shitty trail.

Private Snowball: Was addressed by a native who was concerned for his safety. Apparently, it’s not safe for a black man to be in NE DC in a large group of white folks.

Peace O’Chum: Complained about being wet. Not acceptable hash behavior.

Just Lyn: Alcohol abuse. Just Lyn gave a small amount of her beer to her dog, and poured the rest on the ground.

Sir Shaves A Lot: Complained about seeing Bad Ditch strip on trail.

Just Stavely: Attempted to zen her virgin hash. We appreciate the ambition just enough to let her drink a beer for it.

Just Nub: Just Nub, another virgin hasher, followed Just Stavely as she zenned her virgin trail.

Taster’s Choice: Went native in the ‘hood with an Olde English 40 oz malt liquor.

Hares: Planned trail in rain.

RA – Bob Lowblaw: Failed miserably to dispense with the rain for our trail.

Hash Shit:

Rambutt’s honeymoon with the Hash Shit came to an end when they returned to the hash this week. It turns out that they were having a little marital difficulty, and tried to work it out to no avail. The following wankers made serious attempts to break up their happy home.

White Kane: Autohashing to avoid the rain. Seems like he’d be able to keep the Hash Shit warm and dry.

Bob Lowblaw: Showed so much manual dexterity while putting apron on beer bitch, Just Craig, that it’s difficult to believe that Knee Deep Pussy High ever gets laid. (Give it a second if you have to. You’ll figure it out.)

Just Lyn: Spent two days cooking for the hash. Didn’t she know we’d be happy to just buy bar food. Also, no good deed goes unpunished at the hash.

Gay Guy Counter: Referred to Bob Lowblaw as “Bobby.” Now that’s a serious infraction.

Rambutt: Amnesia regarding how she was awarded the Hash Shit. One more week.

And the winner is…Just Lyn

Then, since it had stopped raining, we decided to name Just Lyn. We learned a few things about her, and made up some silly names. Here’s the skinny. Just Lyn’s favorite position is Cowgirl. She has an innie, but didn’t know what it means, and I don’t know why we care. She was apparently wearing sexy granny panties, which is another thing I’m not sure I understand. She does work as a customs officer, and though she hasn’t performed cavity searches, she has had to search poop for hidden contraband. Her favorite food is anything English. Her favorite animal is a horse. She met Test Tube Baby at a hash, and had sex with him in the bathroom (also known as the loo for all you Brits reading this) at the Red Dress Run. Although he was unaware of the fact that it was Just Lyn and Test Tube Baby, Skid Marks did apparently walk in on it, and has been telling the story for months. Suggested names include:

Fist Full Elbow Deep

Pee And Crumpets

Can I Get A Witness

Red Dress Cum

Olde English 40

Tale Of Two Cummings

Coat Check Ho

But we named her…Bang Her And Hash

As if that wasn’t enough fun, we also decided to name Just Patrick. Just Patrick is in the United States Air Force and works in computer networking. He defaults to using two fingers, and has had sex behind a movie screen during a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Just Patrick expects you to believe that he’s never had sex with a woman weighing over 160 lbs. His favorite animal is a whale. The strangest place he’s ever pooped is off the side of a moving boat, into the water. He has been caught having sex by his girlfriend’s parents, and claims that there is a 3 second window before daddy gets close enough that you have to pull out and run like hell. We recommended a few names. Here they are:

Blow Hole

Off He Blows

Porn Surfer

3 Second Rule

Pump And Run

Bronkin’ Fuck

I Lied. She’s Big

Sympathy Fuck

Then we named him…Tranny In Training

Then we stayed at Test Tube Baby’s place to eat the English food that Bang Her And Hash prepared for us. We did make sure to knock before using the rest room, though.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter

#1163 December 16, 2007 Seven Corners

SIGN UP FOR THE WH4 HOLIDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hares: Tooth Fairy, Slurpee, Dyke Tyson, Dildo Shaggins

Virgins: Just Rick, Just Curt, Just Travis, and Just Nick

Visitors: Cock Juggler – Oxford University H3

Long Time No-Seers: Turn The Other Cheek, One Tit Only, Balls Balls Balls, Lube Me Up Scotty and SIGN UP FOR THE WH4 HOLIDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beer Bitch: Just Jenn

Analversaries: Dyke Tyson – 25, Microsoft – I didn’t catch how many

Brew Crew: Wookin Pa Nub, One Time At Hand Camp

OnOnOn: Dogfish Head (who said head?)

SIGN UP FOR THE WH4 HOLIDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should write something here about a cold, wet trail. It was cold, but our RA deserves kudos for keeping the freezing rain at bay. I am, however longing for the next trail where my toes don’t get numb from running in near freezing water. The most notable thing about the trail, though, was the back check 5 that nobody saw in the entrance to a tunnel. The clue that we all missed it was the fact that there were no marks at the point where the tunnel split. So, we did the sensible thing. We chose to exit the tunnel via a manhole (yeah that's right, a bunch of dudes explored a man hole. Not there's anything wrong with that....) that led us directly to a walker true trail. It wouldn’t be the first time a group of hashers was seen emerging from a wet, stinky tunnel. Good times. As a general side note and a personal request I'd like hares to find more wet warm, if they can be soft too that would be an added bonus, tunnels for hashers to spend copious amounts of time in. In addition to that, there was plenty of stupidity to go around. On on to violations right after a reminder to sign up for the WH4 holiday party.

Violations:

Hares: Lost half the pack in a tunnel.

FRBs: Too dumb to see the “BC5” in the tunnel and turn around.

Et Tu Bootay: Academic overachievement. Finished grad school last week in physical therapy. What this really means: now you have to pay her more for an erotic massage.

Semen On The Pew: Vying for Spinal Tap’s affection. Spinal said he doesn’t do anything under 6’. Semen made sure to let him know he was 6’2” tall. Too bad his man meat doesn't match up to his physical height.

Breathless & Spinal Tap: Fashion contest on trail. Breathless looked at Spinal Tap and declared “you’ve outdone me again.”

Bob Lowblaw: Providing anal sex on trail. In the tunnel, Queerly I’m Straight was behind him, grunting and saying “I’m cuming.”

Bad Ditch: Joined the home hashing network and waited for the hash to arrive at her place for the beer check before joining the pack. This takes auto hashing to a new level.

Just Rick: Ran a shittier trail than most when a bird shit on his shoulder and he did nothing to remove it.

Cock Juggler: Spent months in the DC area without cumming. I’m sure we can find a harriette to help you with that. Hint hint, see Et Tu Bootay.

Knee Deep Pussy High: False claim of virginity. Overheard before trail saying “I’ve never been with anybody.”

Put It Out: Moves his hand down Winn Dickme’s leg saying “dry…dry…dry…wet?” He was supposed to go the other direction!

Just Travis: Borrowed Hasher Humper’s hoodie and pronounced it the best thing he’s ever felt. Again, the harriettes offered to step up to solve the problem.

One Tit Only: Birthday on trail.

Mellow Foreskin Cheese: Finally got himself a mobile phone. He was born in the 16th century, but has finally moved into the 20th.

and finally, SIGN UP FOR THE WH4 HOLIDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hash Shit:

Rambutt is still in possession of the Hash Shit. We may never see it again after they eloped. Theirs is a love that the rest of us may not ever understand. How can a beautiful woman settle for the heartless love of our Hash Shit? Maybe it’s the 18” length of the plunger handle. Maybe it’s the safety and security that the helmet brings. Maybe it’s Snap Crackle Poop’s combination dildo and water gun that provides that “almost better than real” feeling. We may never know. Anyway, we sure hope to give the Hash Shit to somebody for being stupid. So bring it back, and fight for your lover by being dumber than everyone else.

From there, it was On on on to Dogfish (who said) Head. I was more interested in your mom giving head, but Dogfish had beer and food, too. So, it was okay.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter with edits from Cock A Doodle Do Me

p.s. SIGN UP FOR THE HOLIDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!