#1158 November 11, 2007 Rosslyn

Virgins: Just Meredith, Just Dave, Just Melanie, Just Heather

Visitors: Queen Of The Pussies, Tour De Puke – H5, Will He Peter – Houston, Fiber Opdick – Carolina Trash, Guppy – Auckland New Zealand, Digital Input – Houston, Area 69 – Vegas (transplant)

Brew Crew: Knee Deep Pussy High, Wookin’ Pa Nub

Beer Bitch: Semen On The Pew

Analversaries: Nobody mentioned any, but that might have to do with a missing RA. More on that later.

Long Time No Seers: Wood Pecker, Fag, Tinkle Tinkle Little Star

OnOnOn: Continental

Okay, so nobody thought to ask where EWH3’s trail this week was going to be, so we all had a serious case of deja hash when we arrived at the start. Thank God we didn’t have to run another 5.5 mile trek through DC on flat, dry pavement. NO WAY! We ran a 5.5 mile trek through all the shiggy and hills Georgetown had to offer. Really, this trail had more curvature than a burlesque show. But what we do isn’t all just fun and games. It’s dangerous. Highlighted by what we saw at end circle, the details of which may never be discussed again. And I’m sure the authorities would do anything – ANYTHING – to cover it up. I’m not even sure I want to discuss it, lest I enter the midst of a government conspiracy. But it’s my job to tell the truth or at the very least the truth as I see it. So, if you didn’t notice, our fearless RA, Can’t Fuck Dust, was abducted by aliens at the end circle. There he was, collecting violations from your faithful scribe when all of a sudden, he was whisked away from us and replaced by Red Eye Vagina. Now I like Red Eye Vagina (really, who doesn’t?), but replacing Can’t Fuck Dust with Red Eye Vagina is like replacing my normal coffee with Folgers Crystals. I don’t care what the commercials say, they’re just not the same. Sure, Red Eye Vagina finished the circle as best he could, but you could tell he was a bit shaken up. The real tragedy of all of this is that still no one has seen or heard from Can’t Fuck Dust since that fateful night. He’s no doubt being tested, experimented upon, and tortured by anal probes that will leave his ass looking more like a deflated weather balloon than a part of the human anatomy. We must keep him in our prayers. That’s enough despair for one trash, though. The truth is that you people did some funny (and stupid) shit, so let’s get on with the violations.

Violations:

Veterans: We are grateful that there are people like you who serve our country. Have a beer. It’s our treat.

Hares: Sent the walkers out early. Apparently the climax of the opening circle was so powerful that they had to ask the runners to cuddle for 10 minutes before leaving.

A Salt My Ass: Promised a shot check and failed miserably to deliver.

Jackoff Lantern, Slip Knot & Queerly I’m Straight: Racism. All wore r*ce shirts to the hash.

3 Holer: Wore a kilt to the hash and flashed the walkers. We had to ask the walkers whether that move was a benefit or a detriment to his standing in the hash. 3 Holer himself was the first to speak up and say it was cold. Riiiight.

Lumber Jackoff, Jackoff Lantern, & Gay Guy Counter: Doing ‘shrooms on trail. Each of these idiots decided that destroying giant puffball mushrooms would be a delight to everyone. Apparently everyone delights in watching them drink.

A Salt My Ass: Arrives to hare a trail and says he’s “not drinking today.” You’re a hare. So, yes you are.

Hand To Hand Cumbat: When discussing her upcoming spa appointment, she remarked on how long it’s been since she’s had a facial. Who will volunteer to help?

Poop Weiner: Announced his desire for packaged meat product at the hash. That’s a dangerous request.

Mount My Rear: When the hares introduced themselves, she apparently forgot her own name.

Motormouth: Delivered shame to his family for generations to come when he lost a thumb war to Wookin’ Pa Nub.

The Hash Shit was not present. Don’t worry, though. That wasn’t aliens. Rambutt still has it.

And then we decided to name Just A#$% (the name of this hasher has been concealed to protect the identity of someone who may or may not be an actual person). Just A#$% is married to Meat Lover, formerly known as Just Jess until last week. So start this discussion by remembering what happened last week. When that doesn’t work, reread the trash for a quick reminder. Apparently Just A#$% met his wife in a gay bar. He is a bugler with the Marine Corps’ Drum and Bugle Corps. He has no sense of smell, which leaves him confused about why people gag at his flatulence. He lost his virginity on Labor Day 1997. Unfortunately, his lucky lady had shaved 2 days prior, expecting some action. I don’t think I need to tell you what kind of rash 2-day growth can give you, but Just A#$% confirmed that it was kind of unpleasant. So then we suggested that he be called:

Little Boy Blew

Get The Whore

Vegetarian

Cheesy Crust

Finger Lickin’ Good

How About A Pizza And A Fuck?

Drum And Bugle Whore

30 Minutes Or Less

You Can’t Handle The Tooth

Where’s The Cock?

Meat Seeking Missile

But then we named him…TASTER’S CHOICE

From there, it was ononon to Continental, where drinks flowed and blood spilled (not really, it just sounded good). Sorry if it was past your bedtime, but your mom got off Monday so we stayed out. Incidentally, she got off on Sunday, too. Tell her we said thanks.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter

#1157 November 4, 2007 Van Porn Metro

Hares: Jackoff Lantern, Rambutt, Snatchatory Rape, Gay Guy Counter, Read My Lips

Virgins: Just Craig

Visitors: None. Apparently, nobody from out of town wanted to visit our hash. Note to hashers: start hooking up with foreigner strangers.

Brew Crew: Takes It Up The Ehhh, Hot Lunch

Beer Bitch: Just Jess

Analversaries: None.

Long Time No Seers: Takes It Up The Ehhh, Little Red Ride Me Good, Horn Blower, Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

OnOnOn: Charlie Chiang’s

Okay, let me be very clear. I’m not biased or anything, but wasn’t that the BEST TRAIL EVER? Oh, yes it was. (Best trail? Did everyone get laid on trail? Did anyone find a pot of gold on trail? Did anyone find any mythological creatures? Even a prostitute midget will do. What's that? No. Hmmm, I'm not sure about it being the best trail EVER.) There were streams, tunnels, streams, shiggy, multiple water crossings, and even a few tunnels. It was a brisk day in Alexandria, and the pack was treated to not one, but TWO SHOT CHECKS! (side note to future hares, listerine does not count as a shot) Even the walkers got a shot check of their very own. However, it might be noteworthy that while all the runners were enjoying Rambutt’s sweet, tight pussy, the walkers shot was so good that Dairy Queen exclaimed “Just because it’s all booze doesn’t mean it has to be ICKY!” I guess he should have tried runner's trail instead of the walker's trail. And if that wasn’t enough, we were visited by a special long time no seer when we arrived at the beer check. It was none other than Shitty Shitty Bang Bang. Shitty was even kind enough to bring Guinness as a special beer check treat for all the hashers to enjoy. Not long after that, we even had a chance to visit the local swimmin’ hole. Ask Trojan about that the next time you see him. Did I say this trail was AWEsome? I mean some as in most people were in AWE of this trail.

True to hash form there was also stupidity. Thank God we got at least some of it on record. Here, for your reading pleasure are the violations!

Violations:

Tabletop Bouncer: Wearing a shirt that indicates the Hash gets a piece, and failing to do her part to make dreams come true. For those of you who are little slow and hung over, this means she didn't put out. Doh!

Hares: For exposing everyone on trail to drug resistant staphylococcus infections. I see "I <3 bacteria" shirts in the near future.

Just Jenn: Wanted to know about Safety Third. We offered to let her find out first hand. Then, just in the nick of time A Salt My Ass decided to save her, and take the violation for her. I for one am glad chivalry is not dead. Too bad it's young, drunk, and very misguided.

Winn Dickme: Asked whose house we were near during the beer check. Upon hearing that it was Jackoff Lantern’s place, she pointed out that she’d been there but had never seen it in daylight.

Jackoff Lantern: Too cheap to buy a kegerator, so he keeps Shitty Shitty Bang Bang in his driveway.

Bad Ditch: (Mis)quoted on trail saying “I’m just trying to keep my pussy dry.” There really is a first time for everything in the hash.

Jeffe Lengua: Managed to get stabbed in the nut on trail. Good thing God gave you two. Safety Third!

Gay Guy Counter: Abuse of haring power. He went on the walker's trail so he could do all three shot checks.

Jack Off Lantern & Red Eye Vagina: There was some fiasco about Jackoff Lantern doing a swan dive into the water and trying to blame Red Eye Vagina. By the time it was all over, we decided they both needed a drink.

Hash Shit:

Takes It Up The Ehhh Had the Hash Shit because he left trash in I’d Tap That following the hash a couple of weeks ago. Somebody else was bound to do something dumb to take it from him. Here are those who tried:

Takes It Up The Ehhh: One more week.

Snap Crackle Poop: Mug freezing fetish

Dairy Queen: Scored a touchdown with Knee Deep’s formerly frozen mug, shattering it in the middle of the circle

Rambutt: For refusing to drink for one of the “All Hares Drink” violations.

Dirty Dog: Made the mistake of combining top shelf whiskey with rock gut whiskey. Apparently this is a great combination if you want to end up wetting the bed.

Red Eye Vagina: For insisting that Jackoff Lantern’s swan dive was none of his doing.

And your winner is…Rambutt

And then we were all treated to another slice of awesome when we decided to name Just Jess. Just Jess is an alumnus of Rochester Institute of Technology, and happens to be married to Just Axel (Sorry, guys). She tells us that on their wedding night, she was more than a little upset that she was perfectly sober, while Just Axel was not. So, Just Jess told Just Axel that she wasn’t going to have sex with him until he was sober. She then proceeded to work on sobering up her new husband by ordering immense amounts of food from Domino’s. Just Jess is apparently rather loud when she’s having sex, and rather than claiming one favorite position, she prefers to do it decathlon style; changing positions faster than an indy car pit crew changes tires. With all this ammunition and more, the following names were suggested:

Not Tonight

I Heart Whiskey Dick

Cheesy Crust

Cuntortionist

Honey Moaner

30 Minutes or Free

Cheesy Crust

Ready In Time

Stuffed Crust

But then we named her…MEAT LOVER!!!

By the way, I think we should all “bone up” on the details of Meat Lover’s naming, as some of this may prove useful if we ever get around to naming Just Axel.

From there, it was ononon to Charlie Chiang’s, where we enjoyed a great buffet. The drink specials were good, the buffet was awesome (like the trail), and the massages all included a happy ending. Sorry you missed it. By the way, notable quotes from the ononon are:

“I prefer penis”

-Snatchatory Rape, when asked if she was present with the girl who apparently occupied her bed the night before.

“We do the 6 to get the 9. If there was a position called ‘give me a blowjob’ we’d be happy to do just that.”

-Motormouth, discussing the merits of 69.

On On,

Gay Guy Counter with assistance from Cock A Doodle Do Me

#1155 October 28, 2007 Courthouse

Trail #1155: The "I just ran 26.2 miles I think I need to run some more," trail.

Hares: Obeastiologist, Titly Winks, Wooly Mammaries

Virgins: Just Blair, Just Bob, Just Andrea, Just Kate, Just Gus, Just Katherine, Just Jenn

Visitors: Up Chuck Fuck – Ft. Eustis, Craving Kimche Coochie – Humpin’ Hash, Slippery Log – Humpin’ Hash, Icebox – Humpin’ Hash, Shut The Fuck Up Asshole – Humpin’ Hash, Rack ‘Em and Smack ‘Em – Carolina Trash

Brew Crew: Mellow Foreskin Cheese, One Time At Hand Camp. Snap Crackle Poop was helping out in order to attempt to earn his $5 back. Thanks, but we’re keeping your money, Snap.

Beer Bitch: Just Breech

Analversaries: None.

Long Time No Seers: Saskatchewsnatch, Woosh, Cum Dumpling

OnOnOn: Dr. Dremos

The Courthouse trail immediately followed the Marine Corps M*rathon beer check this week. Titly and OBZ were kind enough to hare a trail that didn’t resemble the marathon nearly as much as the last few trails they did (ie it was flat and dry like your Mom). Really, it was a beautiful day in Arlington, almost sunny enough to make us forget how cold and windy it was, and there was absolutely no shiggy on trail. Thanks for keeping things tidy, girls. Next time please hire some male and female exotic dancers to at least keep things interesting.

When it came to welcoming virgins, the Penis Gallery was a little off their game this week. It got so bad that after four unsuccessful attempts at witty humor, the Penis Gallery got benched, and the final virgin to lose her innocence this week got to do so girl-on-girl. Way to go! Never leave a man to do a woman's job, that's what I always say.

Dr. Dremo’s was wonderful, as usual. However, it seems that nobody told them we’d be there. Seriously, how much trouble is it to say “Dude, we’re bringing 30 of our best friends on Sunday. Can you bring in some kitchen and wait staff to cover us?”? Regardless, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and if you didn’t hook up at the bar, it’s your own damn fault. Looks like the harerazor needs to spend less time masturbating and more time updating the "hare manual."On On to violations.

Violations:

Motormouth: Car bomb dud. Made Dairy Queen’s special order Marathon car bomb with Guinness Extra Stout.

Hares: Lied about haring a live trail. Either it was prelayed or Obeastiologist has a Kenyan hidden in his ass.

Dairy Queen: Spending his spare time working in an arcade so he can afford to come to the hash…AND PAY IN QUARTERS.

Gimme A Dick: Is on her (Safety) 3^rd round of antibiotics since IAH in Puerto Vallarta. How many times do hashers need reminding.... No Glove, No Love.

Just Jessica: Quoted on trail saying “You could pull my pants down if you want to.”

Just Axel: Didn’t oblige Just Jess in the aforementioned permit to have his way.

Hares: No sweeper.

Follow The Bleeder: His girlfriend, Just Jenn, is a card-carrying lesbian. Really, we made her show us the card. Wooooo, somebody's going to be masturbating tonight.

Motormouth: Offered to stunt cock for anyone who couldn’t please their harriette due to fatigue from the Marine Corps Marathon. It's a good thing Motormouth has an arsenal of dildos.

Peace O’ Chum: Quoted on trail with “I hate it when it doesn’t fit in.” Chum please see above violation.

Just Axel: Intent upon urinating on a nearby “dumpster” only to see the sign that says “DANGER 240 VOLTS!” Safety 3^rd.

Knee Deep Pussy High: Asked the Arlington Police Officer who busted the MCM Beer Check to cuff Motormouth for a photo. The real violation here being that she didn't ask them to keep him locked up.

Wookin’ Pa Nub: Fashion violation for dressing virgin harriettes in his work wear.

Hash Shit:

Rosary Anal Beads had the Hash Shit for one more week following her claim of Hash Shit immunity. The following wankers made a good case for why they should carry it around for the next week:

Wooly Mammaries: Getting lost on trail is okay if you’re not the walker hare.

Can’t Fuck Dust: Got lost on trail and had to call for directions so he could run the end circle.

Motormouth: Had to be told to shut up when arguing with Arlington PD at the MCM Beer Check.

Takes It Up the Ehhh: Left trash in I’d Tap That following last week’s hash.

It was really beginning to look like Motormouth would receive the hash shit, but Follow The Bleeder said it best when he said “Finally, a brother catches a break!” and we gave the Hash Shit to Takes It Up The Ehhh.

And, for the first time ever, we have a special feature in this week’s trash! It’s the Brew Crew Quote Of The Week! We asked the Brew Crew to give us the most meaningful quote they either heard from the pack or any wisdom they’d like to impart for this week’s trash, and boy did they come through! Your first ever Brew Crew Quote Of The Week is:

“FUCK YOU!”

- Mellow Foreskin Cheese

On On,

Gay Guy Counter with contributions from Cock A Doodle DO ME (that's right I said DO ME and I mean it!)