#1149 September 16, 2007 Ft. Reno Park
#1149 September 16, 2007 Ft. Reno Park
Hares: Snatch Shot, $50 Bitch, Runway Snatch, Cheese Wizz, Fiddy Cent, Dime Bag
Virgins: Just Meg, Just Breech, Just Holly, Just Rachel, Just Stacy
Visitors: Squeaky – Wurzburg, Chef BoyarDum – Carolina Trash, Bored Stiff – Geneva, Idaho – BAH3
Brew Crew: Chewbacca, It’s Buttfucking Time
Beer Bitch: Just Abby
Analversaries: Read My Lips – 100, Blank Shot Up The Ass - 25
Long Time No Seers: Apparently everyone of you wankers has been cumming regularly. Good for you!
OnOnOn: The Dancing Crab
This week’s trail was the Eco-Bitch challenge. Our infamous hares warned us that the trail would be very long and hard, which was good news for all the harriettes on trail. I, your fearless scribe, can’t tell you much about the trail as my hangover was a good excuse to trek the walker portion of the program. Regardless, you were all hot, wet, and smelly when the trail was over. My experience is that those are important criteria for having had a good time. Good time or not, though, you apparently did a lot of stupid shit. On on to violations!
Violations:
One Time At Hand Camp: Hurt his wrist with excessive masturbation. By the way, it’s okay to switch hands when you start getting sore. No need for repetitive motion injuries.
Blank Shot Up The Ass, True Tail, and Oral Presentation: All brought virgins who didn’t know who made them cum. I like anonymous sex as much as anybody, but learn their name if you’re going out afterward.
Just Stacy: New shoes. Since Just Stacy was a virgin, Oral Presentation got to do the honors for that one.
Wooly Mammaries: Offered Just Holly amnesty if she wanted to discard her warm beer for a new cold one. Just Holly told Wooly that she wasn’t going to waste good beer. Good girl! Wooly got a special, warmed down down for that one.
Hares: Safety Third Violation for excessive use of gravitational force. Jeffe Lengua fell down and almost hurt himself. Wussy!
Butt Brown Ale: Stated that if he were given a choice of sex with Read My Lips or Backdoor Buckaroo, he’d have to choose Backdoor Buckaroo. Either he hasn’t seen Read My Lips or he was confused into thinking it was her Backdoor he’d be having sex with.
Just Breech: Safety Third Violation for running into a street sign. Gotta watch those things; they’re sneaky!
Brew Crew: Same beer presented as dark and light beers. One tastes great, one is less filling.
Cleopapsmear: Wanted one of the large sticks of chalk to take home. I’ll gladly follow that trail mark!
Hares: Safety Third Violation for sending the pack on a two-lane road with no sidewalk. It’s not fun to be road kill, okay?
Slurpee: Less than 24 hours after her birthday hash, she was still puking. That would be okay, except that it happened when Tooth Fairy offered her a sip of his beer. Just say yes!
Crafty: Safety Third Violation for riding on the bumper of $50 Bitch’s car during trail. If you didn’t notice the baby bump, someone’s already been riding her bumper recently.
True Tail: Offered a very special user training seminar for Safety Third.
Hash Shit:
Motormouth had the Hash Shit for intentionally winning it for PV. The following wankers offered to take it off his hands:
Rear Protein Injection: Said “Motormouth shouldn’t have the Hash Shit. In retrospect, that was a stupid thing to say.”
Spinal Tap: Ran the fastest 30 feet in his life when he realized that the flashing harriettes were facing away from him in the circle. Then, told us all how much fun it was to be nominated for the Hash Shit.
Slurpee: Lied about her age last week.
Gay Guy Counter: Got out danced by a 50 year old Saturday night.
True Tail & Tooth Fairy: For solving Safety Third. It’s not a Rubik’s Cube!
Chef Boyardum: Trying on his lingerie (for the RDR prelube) backwards.
And the winner is…Spinal Tap!
And then we named Just Beer Van! It turns out that Just Beer Van is from Cockeysville, MD. She’s a ’97 who prefers 69. Before cumming to WH4, she did some work in the electrical industry, but we all think she has extensive experience in plumbing, if you know what I mean. We’re not sure how it happened, but she’s got a little damage to the rear bumper that affects her back door performance. Recommended names include:
American Ho Systems
Back Door Snatch
Shaggin’ Wagon
Motley Screw
Rectum? Damn Near Killed Him!
Pole Her Bear
You’re White, But I’d Still Fuck You
Frigid Bitch
The Gay Team
Moby’s Dick
Beer Force One
Sticky Back Door
Unlatched Snatch
Carmen Monoxide
Fucked Or Reamed Daily
But given how attractive she is, we had to name her I’d Tap That!
By the way, have any of you seen a hasher passed out ON A BAR STOOL!?!? I have! That might have been the coolest thing ever! Ask your friends about it, and pray that hash flash obtained a record of it for you.
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1148 September 9, 2007 Langdon Park
#1148 September 9, 2007 Langdon Park
Hares: Semen on the Pew, Just Gretchen, Pimp Of Sarajevo, Red River Runs Through It
Virgins: Just Axel, Just Terry, Just Noah
Visitors: Nobody loved us enough to visit this week.
Brew Crew: Turbo Twat, Takes It Up The Eh
Beer Bitch: Just Lyn
Analversaries: Apparently, we all have lives outside the hash.
Long Time No Seers: Half Pint, The Whore Of Sarajevo, Hare ‘Em Scare ‘Em
OnOnOn: Saint’s Bourbon Street
Okay it’s been over a week, and I’ve been absolutely sauced at least once since all this happened. As I recall, we began our adventure through rolling meadows and drunken tailgaters. There was a trail and some shiggy, and we seem to have found a couple of great project cars for all those do-it-yourselfers out there. I know I occasionally do it myself (but I digress). The hares were kind enough to provide a shot check, but some asshole replaced our regular shot check with Robitussin. I wasn’t sick before the shot check, but I was feeling a little under the weather after it.
Violations:
Bob Lowblaw: Had his condom at the ready for any unsuspecting virgins at sign-in. They might have been that easy in PV, but you’ve got to work a little harder now that you’re home.
Jackoff Lantern, Bad Ditch & Gay Guy Counter: The shoe saga. Gay Guy Counter forgot his shoes, so Bad Ditch offered a pair she found at home, saying they were Jackoff Lantern’s and that she was going to return them to him today. Jackoff Lantern arrived later wearing new shoes. About half way through trail we all found out that he didn’t own the shoes Bad Ditch gave Gay Guy Counter. So on principle, Gay Guy Counter and Jackoff Lantern were drinking out of shoes while Bad Ditch used Safety Third because safety is important if your anonymous sex partners are leaving anything under your bed.
Slip Knot: Turned 50 for the 30th time. Dude, life comes at you fast. Safety Third.
Pimp Of Sarajevo: Regarding Duck Duck Bush, he says “He’s cumming up the rear.”
Duck Duck Bush: Cumming up the rear. The money shot is supposed to be in the face, Duck Duck.
Bob Lowblaw: Asked Motormouth to pinch hit a song for him. At least Knee Deep Pussy High knows what to expect if Bob’s not in the mood.
The Whore Of Sarajevo: Expressed guilt for walking second leg of trail.
Follow The Bleeder: Short cut straight to DFL. Nice work, Bleeder.
Beer Bitch, Just Lyn: Down Downs were too full. This just proves that hashers will whine about anything. If we don’t get beer, we whine. If we get beer, we whine.
Hash Shit:
Motormouth and the Hash Shit returned from their romantic getaway in Puerto Vallarta, and finally admitted to intentionally getting the Hash Shit so he could take it to PV. Other nominations are below:
Back Snatch: Looking absolutely dapper after the hash
Schwankendick: Has a dog that can’t run trail
Bob Lowblaw: There was mention about a number of harriettes that have something in common. Don’t ask!
And the winner is…Motormouth!
And then we named Just Jen! It turns out that Just Jen is a mortgage lending representative who went to school in Uniontown PA. She likes horses, and prefers to be taken doggy-style. (Remember that one, fellas.) She belongs to a wine club called “Girls on Grapes” and has definitely thought about being with a girl, but apparently has yet to try it. She is a card-carrying member of the mile high club, and was apparently the recipient of a large cock while riding on a train. Recommended names went like this:
Macro Burst
“By the way, have you ever had sex in a car?”
“Well, yeah.”
Then we named her Planes, Trains & Automobiles!
On On,
Gay Guy Counter
#1147 September 3, 2007 Adams Morgan / Woodley Park
#1147 September 3, 2007 Adams Morgan / Woodley Park
Hares: Obeastiologist, Choke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em and Just Rob
Incidentally, I’m having a little déjà vu here. Didn’t I just write this trash for last week? Except this week they don't have Titly Winks slowing them down. Trouble!!!
Beer Bitch: Sucks Cock for Crack
Virgins: Just Richard, Just Matthew, and Just Laura
Visitors: Mouthful Of Clam – Ithaca, Wednesday – Wurzburg, Jeffe Lengua – Wurzburg, Wrong Way Felchman, Orally Twice Daily – Denver, Hard Little Pianist – Edmonton, Just Lynn – Got lost at her first hash with EWH3, followed a miracle trail to WH4’s hash
Long Time No-Seers: Poke An Eye Out, Reach Around
Analversaries: Titly Winks – 200, 3-2-1 Fuck Off – 100
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo, Gimme An Oohhh
OnOnOn: Millie & Al’s
So I know a few hares who suffer from serious inferiority complexes. It turns out that these unnamed losers are trying to prove their dominance by having everyone run a marathon hash for two weeks IN A ROW. Have you ever met anyone who would do such a thing? Maybe it’s just me. Seriously, this trail was long and covered with shiggy. Make your own perverse joke; this one’s too easy for me. After the trail, everyone went straight to the bar to try and hook up. If you missed it, that’s okay. Your mom was good company, and she’s a cheap drunk. Think of it like this, the average height of the hares was easily 6'3" and that's only because they call someone who's 6 feet 'short'. Now take the average hash height, 5'4" for the ladies and maybe add on 2" for the men assuming it's not cold out and they didn't just get out of the shower or the pool. If I were 6'3" (I would totally be on the US women's beach volleyball team just so I could roll around in the sand with my teammate...sorry side tracked) I'd be able to cover more ground faster. Damn you hares for discriminating against "average" height hashers and your ability to reach tall things. I despise you!!
Now on to the most awesomest circle ever, led by Cock A Doodle Do Me.
Violations:
Hares: Safety Third: The whole drunken pack had to perform a tightrope act on trail.
3-2-1 Fuck Off & Tapped Three Times: Racism on trail. These two exchanged a VERY enthusiastic low five after short cutting to a true trail mark. I was sure they were about to mark the occasion with celebratory anal sex, but I didn’t see the need to wait for it.
Hares: Trying to start a drinking club with a marathon problem. Really, when it didn’t work last week, why did you bother?
Titly Winks: Swept the trail, but had no clue where it was supposed to go.
Follow The Bleeder: Pointed out that we live in a very big city with a lot of asphalt, but somehow we always find so much shiggy on trail. Apparently, Bleeder would like us to run a straight, flat trail on pavement.
Hard Little Pianist: Introduced himself to all the harriettes by his nerd name. A little self conscious, are we? Hey speaking on behalf of the ladies, at least he's hard.
Wetback Mount Him: Bent over at the beer check, and proclaimed “Oh my god, I’m so tight.” Come to think of it, I’m not sure where Snap Crackle Poop’s squirt gun was while that was happening. Hmmm.
Wookin Pa Nub: Trying to start a drinking club with a marathon problem. Really, when it didn’t work last week, why did you bother?
Hash Shit:
Motormouth is still in possession of the hash shit, and saw fit to have some additional quality time with it before returning from Puerto Vallarta to WH4.
OnOn,
Gay Guy Counter with contributions for Cock A Doodle Do Me