#1133 June 25, 2007 Union Station Metro – The ADHD Hash
Hares: Motor Mouth, Follow the Bleeder, Gimmie an Oh
Virgins: Just Alicia
Visitors: Are You In (Albequerce), Timber Balls (Seoul), My Boyfriend Joe (Dallas), 4Play (Dallas)
Beer Bitch: Just Diana
Long Time Noseers: Are You In, Coin Operated, True Tail, Blank Shot Up the Ass, I'd Do Her, Back Snatch and Sticky Throttle
Analversaries: Puppy (69 runs), Poop Wiener (25 runs)
Brew Crew: Please Step Away from the Whores
OnOnOn: Union Pub
This sweatfest of a hash started out from Union Station and wove through the back alleys of the Northeast DC. It remained relatively un eventful to the beer check, where the hares had discreetly written BEER VAN in chalk with a big arrow in the parking lot of the old train station. From there we ran through a back alley dog fight and the residents of Sursum Corda came out of their cooperative housing to cheer on the "marathoners."
Note to Future Hares: If Motor Mouth or I'd Do Her show up to your trail, you'll need to pull Gay Guy Counter aside and remind him that their presence at the hash does not mean it is OK for him to run through the neighborhoods of DC addressing everyone as "Ma Brotha." They are not his personal Black Ambassadors.
Violations:
Mind the Clap is a filthy, dirty race-ist who showed up to the hash on Monday with her age still written on the back of her calf from a triathlon she competed in on Sunday (did we mention that she won her age group?)
Coin Operated tried to pay for today's hash with a 2 Euro piece. She also bolted into the circle at the opportunity to undress Jack-Off Lantern
Test Tube Baby traded in his luxury model dog for the off road version
Poop Wiener drank as th resident idiot in A-Salt My Ass's place.
Motor Mouth was so desperate for a 4th hare that he was trying to recruit people during opening circle.
Dildo Shaggins was heard complaining that "There isn't enough meat at this hash." when she saw we were out of Slim Jims, which caused Two Lips in the Bush to shout out to the circle: "I have a small dick!" Apparently Double Header's Tourette's is rubbing off on him.
The only reason Please Step Away from the Whores worked Brew Crew tonight was that he could only shake $4 out of the homeless guys at Union Station
Gay Guy Counter brought the Hash Shit back with him this week and along with it several nomination to ensure he didn't go home with it again.
Octopussy: Ran into Gay Guy Counter on the metro, carrying the Hash Shit, and asked him "Are you going to the hash?"
U.S. Boobs and Oral Report: Whined about the fact that she's "been hashing to 10 years and I've never had the Hash Shit!"
Gay Guy Counter: Read a bit too much into his scribing duties last week and took it upon himself to re-name Rosary Anal Beads while under the influence (of her pussy)
Motor Mouth: Singing songs wishing for a BJ from Harriers instead of Harriettes, followed shortly by announcing to the circle that a woman was not going to get in his pants if he had anything to say about it.
Your winner:
Motor MouthIf only I could tell you the story ends there. While
Motor Mouth was drinking out of the hash shit,
Octopussy, who had tried to pants him earlier in the circle, gave it one more college try. This time she succeeded in not only getting his shorts arund his ankles, but his boxers as well. What was revealed made
Test Tube Baby turn to me and ask...
"I thought he was black?"
OnOn,
Double Header & Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me
#1132 June 18, 2007
#1132 June 18, 2007 Ballston Metro – The Bill Wagner Birthday Hash
Hares: Bill Wagners (2 of them), #2 (only one of him – go figure), Short Bus Bitch, and Mr. Magoo
Virgins: Just Sarah, Just Sean, Just Katie, Just Jennifer, Just Rebecca, Just Betsy, and Just John
Visitors: Ginger Snap, Dirty Dog, Billy’s Bitch, Porcelina, and Dancing Lemon Turd
Beer Bitch: Just Joel
Analversaries: Fuck ‘em Dano (200th Run)
Brew Crew: Turbo Twat, Shamrock Your Cock
OnOnOn: O’Sullivans
The two Bill Wagners thought they’d bless all of us with their very own birthday trail. Who throws their own birthday party anyway? I haven’t seen a hasher do that in nearly a week. Personally, I was worried that they might be contagious, as they both seem to be coming down with a real bad case of OLD! Anyway, here’s the low down.
The opening circle wasn’t any more interesting than usual, and since I had no idea I’d be scribing this hash, I was drinking beer and daydreaming about boobies. Sue me. Of course, we welcomed our virgins and visitors, sang “Father Abraham” and began the hash.
The trail was fraught with checks and X marks, but as those intrepid adventurers who ignored (read: didn’t see) the fact that they were running past BT’s found out, every BT seemed to lead to a good trail. Violations about that later. It’s appropriate that these old geezers set a trail that was ALL UP HILL. I’m just surprised they didn’t manage about two feet of snow to complete the picture.
We all stopped for a lovely beer check in the perfect location to ruin what appeared to be someone’s family dinner/wine tasting/cocktail hour. We managed to nominate Just Joel as our beer bitch, and as soon as the family disappeared from the balcony, we knew it would only be a moment before “The Man” arrived, so we scurried away, back on trail.
The trail ended at Mellow Foreskin Cheese’s house, where we collected violations, redistributed the Hash Shit, and generally acted like idiots.
Violations:
Hares: Interrupting cocktail hour at the beer check, placing BT’s basically on trail, and for killing school children on trail. All that was left were socks small enough that they didn’t even fit Mr. Softy.
Slurpee: Using beer to kill a bug on trail, and for having phone sex on trail.
Motormouth: Managed to get lost on every leg of the Tour Duh Hash
Just John: Racist Behavior discussing a 10 miler, and somehow managing to complain about his bleeding nipples in the process.
Bob Loblaw: Asked Mellow Foreskin Cheese “is this your house?” When MFC said yes, he reportedly asked “do you have any condoms” (or condiments, we’re not sure). Before that, though, he apparently became frantic on trail, asking “is that a tick in my beer? Is that a tick in my beer?”
Forget Me Not: Leaving WH4 to go to Tennessee. Dude, if you hear banjoes, run like hell!
Mr. Softy and Nippon Tuck: Comparing bellies. I’m convinced that Mr. Softy is with child, and Nippon Tuck just needs to watch her beer consumption.
Dancing Lemon Turd: Discovering the wonders of the bag vehicle. No, God does not see fit to take care of the bags for us; we have to do it ourselves. What a miracle!
Horn Blower: For responding to the question “when is the beer mile?” with “I don’t know…Hey, when is the beer mile?”
Jack Off Lantern: For breaking the wooden fence he was attempting to climb on trail. He may look trim, but he’s a fat bastard in disguise.
Brew Crew: Always running out of dark beer. Don’t they know, once you go black you don’t go back?
There was plenty of other stupidity on trail, but I’m tired of typing all about it. If you weren’t there, you just missed it. That might be why I got violated for issuing too many violations.
Hash Shit Nominations:
Obeastiologist: Attempting to lose the hash shit in small enough pieces that no one would notice
Gay Guy Counter: For misidentifying Obeastiologist as Follow The Bleeder during a Hash Shit nomination.
Wax On Whacks Off: Creating a visual about Mellow Foreskin Cheese using a condom with Bob Loblaw (see violations).
Wax On Whacks Off: Using a camping trip scholarship as a cheap ploy in hopes of a threesome with Tit Ka Boob and the “lucky winner”.
Tri-Ass-A-Thong: Demonstrating a down down, while on the crapper as she was visible (through the window) to those outside Mellow’s house.
Read My Lips: Something about Hermaphrodites on Unicycles’ balls being on a website.
Your winner: Gay Guy Counter
Then it was time for a NAMING!!! We decided to name Just Kirstie before she made her way to the joint, the big house, the clink, or (as I like to call it) the pokey! Just Kirstie is a Med Student at George Washington, and looks forward to becoming a gynecological surgeon. The highlights of suggested names are as follows:
But she shall be hence forth known as: Rosary Anal Beads
Those of us who went to the bar were informed later that we should have gone to Put It Out’s house, where there was reportedly a reasonable amount of hot tub harriette nudity. DAMMIT!
OnOn,
Gay Guy Counter
P.S. I’d better see some boobies next week!
trash 1130
#1130 June 11, 2007 Foggy Bottom Metro 2nd Stage of the Tour duh Hash
Hares: Li’l Red Ride Me Good, Kiel Bastard, U.S. Boobs & Oral Report, Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me
Virgins: Just Bri, Just Maggie
Visitors: Just Mike (DCH4), Call Girl, Rotten Whore (Chicago), Gladiator, El Dia-blow (Bakersfield) Presidential Nasty (Dallas), Daffy Fuck, Putter Jumpers, Mr. Bean
Beer Bitch: Just Kearsty
Analversaries: Drip Dry (69th Run)
Brew Crew: Thong butt not forgotten and Stop the Erection I want to Get OFFOnOnOn: Rhino Bar
For Stage 2 of the Tour duh Hash we circled up in Foggy bottom with a great turnout and loads of visitors, most memorable was El Dia-blow who was in town as a chaperon for his daughter’s middle school trip and snuck away just long enough defile himself with us/drink lots before spending quality time with impressionable youths.
During opening circle, while all you wankers were focusing carefully on your GM Jack-Off Lantern, Obiestiologist had carelessly left the Hash Shit unattended. I turned around just in time to catch Shamrock My Cock’s dog Guinness Stout relieving himself all over it. I thought it would be best to reveal this information on a need to know basis and therefore kept it to myself until a more appropriate time.
Your temporarily injured scribe joined up with the walkers for a truly exciting trail while your fully functional scribe co-hared this shitty trail (it was not shitty, it was the BEST TRAIL EVER!!!).
The walkers took a tour of the seediest back alleys of Georgetown. We came upon a craps game and a coke deal within one block of one another and even spotted Elizabeth Edwards poop scooping for the family dog in Dumbarton Oaks park.
Sorry, that’s actually the adventurous walkers trail I was hoping for at every turn (read: 1 turn) instead we headed straight down M street, hung a hair raising left onto the Key Bridge and on in to the beer check in Rosslyn (oh so sorry, next time I'll rent you a segway with a full throttle engine so you can race other walkers up to 3 miles per hour).
From the Beer Check we headed back over the Key Bridge and down to the river’s edge. I have to hand it to the Hares, they managed to find the exact point where all the wealthy, elitist, sushi eating, filet mignon ordering Georgetown poop empties into the Potomac. Perfect place for an ending circle!
Violations:
Just Mike: Waiting IN LINE to take a leak in a port-o-john on the Mall.
Va-Giant: Like our long lost GM Wang Chunks, she too prefers small Asian women and nearly lodged one in her throat on trail.
Two Lips in the Bush & A-salt my Ass: Doing the Tour duh Hash long before there was a T-Shirt for it (read: hashing every night of the week)
Air Spanker One: Thought he was on fire on trail and spontaneously Stopped, Dropped and Rolled.
Obeistiologist: Adding a baggy of his dog’s shit to the Hash Shit and running the entire trail with a dog piss soaked T-shirt wrapped around it without knowing it.
Violations Part
Deux:
*
Cum Dumling and
Just Mike for fitting in a few precious minutes in a port-a-
jon to have sex on trail. I'm so proud.
*
Das Kunt, please help this man for he does not understand the hash. Rather then assist
Winn Dick Me in undressing he helped her keep her shorts on.
*
Two Lips in the Bush and
Double Header- for being racists. If that was not enough, the reason everyone found out was because they both shaved their legs.
*
Can't Fuck Dust (fill in for
Butt Brown Ale)-
BBA is on a self imposed weight training regimen, for what you might ask? A masturbation marathon, but since
BBA left early to go "Get HUGE" at the gym, it was only proper that
Can't Fuck Dust drink for his life partner.
Hash Shit Nominations:
Gay Guy Counter: Left the bar last week with 2 harriettes. When one of them took his hand the other one turned around and slapped him.
Takes It Up the Eh: Ending circle on a parking deck across from the police station last week.
Obiestiologist: Overheard saying, “There’s no way I’m getting the hash shit AGAIN!” He also lost part of the hash shit on trail. And for having the Guinness take a wiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzzzz on the hash shit. And for paying $300,000 for a blow job. Seriously?!?!?!?!?!?! I know tons of chicks that will do that for $299,999. You were robbed.
A-salt My Ass: Georgetown wannabe with a popped collar. And for sacrificing his education for the hash (Please don't!!!!! I'm not kidding).
- Spinal Tap: for being old. Well, more specifically he was so old that he couldn't remember the last time he took a shit. So really he needed the hash shit to help him take a shit. Have some sympathy people!!!! They don't just hand out handicap parking passes.
Put It Out: Skinny Dipping in the Potomac with A-Salt My Ass.
Your winner: Obeistiologist.
This was followed up by lots of nudity and hooking up at the bar, too bad you missed it!
OnOn,
Double Header & Cock-a-doodle-do-Me (All over your face!!!)