WH4 trail #: 1113—February 18, 2007—Beerfest 2007
Location: Grosvenor Metro
Hares: Takes it up the Ehh & Brew Crew
OnOnOn: Hank Dietle’s Tavern
Virgins: Just Jason
Visitors: Massage a Twat (Las Vegas)
Beer Bitch: Just Shannon
Analversaries: Read My Lips (69 runs)
[pictures]
This hash may have popped it's cherry faster than any on record. Your scribe barely had time to pay her $5 and pound her mimosa (oh yes, there were mimosas…if you know who to talk to) before the Eagles had to circle up. There was a Turkey trail that went off later but this scribe ran the Eagle. I have no idea what you pussies were up to on the Turkey trail but you couldn’t have been having too much fun since you beat us all to the On In. Or maybe you “finished first” because this was the biggest cluster f@*k of a trail we’ve ever seen!
Eagle circle began with an announcement that we would have 9 beer checks on trail. Looking good. Followed by a new hash mark: BVC, Be Very Careful. Looking a little worse.
Shortly into the trail we came upon a group of stranded hippies who had managed to bottom out their environmentally responsible automobile on the snow bank at the end of their drive way. Silly hippies, you can’t plow a Prius through a snow bank. Pop quiz: how many hashers does it take to free a car from snow? Answer: All of them if they are lifting the drive wheels off the ground!
While on hot pursuit of an impeccably laid trail we somehow managed to miss a bad trail mark and wound up stumbling upon the point where the Turkey and Eagle trails came together entirely too early. (Psst, hares, don't cross your streams!) Turbo Twat was overheard saying, “This is so wrong, we really messed up.” Yes Turbo, yes you did.
Thankfully for us, our hares are experienced escorts, able to lead us like little ducklings back to the trail, about a mile away. Back on trail and 4 beer checks later hashers could be spotted skating across frozen soccer fields, doing face plants into ravines or getting taken from behind on train tracks. True Tale managed to land a perfect split sliding down a snow bank while Jack-Off Lantern and Can’t F*ck Dust relived their college days in the mid-80s by break dancing down an sheet of ice toward open water. Beyond the 7th beer check your scribe was too drunk to remember anything else that happened on trail, except Poop Wiener falling down…that was funny. 8.5 miles later, we were On In.
Several of you wankers managed to f*ck up on a trail even that perfectly laid. Violators included:
Bob Loblaw: He stole a 7 year-old’s basketball and proceeded to miss a lay-up, twice.
True Tale & Bad Ditch: Technology on trail
Cleo Papsmear: Overheard complaining that he recent porn purchase lacked plot
Hares: Almost broke Blows a Tranny again.
Bad Ditch: Needing flash cards to remember hash songs after 16 years of hashing.
Hash Shit came home! So we gave it away. The nominations were (drum roll):
Takes it up the Ehhh (for laying this debacle of a trail)
PIO (for mooning Cleo Papsmear and Runway Snatch in the back of the beer van and getting his hot, sweaty butt cheek stuck to the cold, cold glass)
Suck yer Dad (for not marrying a chick who like to lick @sshole and take it up the bum)
And the winner is…Takes it up the Ehh!
We also managed to squeeze a naming into this jolly good time. Just Shannon was brought to us by Please Step Away from the Whores. She hails from my fair city of Buffalo, NY and teaches 6th grade. She appeared demure and sweet until we learned her favorite position is “reverse cowgirl” and she has no recollection of her “first time.” Many names were shouted but only one was chosen. The winning bid came from Read My Lips who declared Just Shannon cute enough that even she would do her. Hence forth and throughout the world of hashing Just Shannon will be known as Hot Lunch.
On-On
Double Header
For those unable to be at this hash, we note that the hash ended on a very somber note, with Swing Low being dedicated to Trojan's daughter and her friend, Rachel Crites and Rachel Smith, who recently passed away. In lieu of flowers, the family would welcome donations sent to a local organization working on the front lines of dealing with crisis interventions and stabilization at:
Montgomery County Crisis Center
1301 Piccard Dr
Rockville, MD 20850
Attn: Jean Burgess
240-777-4533
Hash # 1111 February 4, 2007
McLean, Va,
Hares: And How’s Her Bush, French Toasted, Fox Twat, and Sexcalibur
The number of this hash made me think of an old puzzle. So I’ll take advantage of this position as stand-in scribe to throw a puzzle your way. You can send what you think are the right answers to harerazor@ewh3.com .
1
11
21
1211
111221
fill in the next line. (clue..it is not the number of this weeks hash, that would be pretty lame).
This week’s hash took place on the same day as the Super Bowl. To accommodate this special event we got started a little early, at 1pm. This might have caused problems in other kennels but WH4 has plenty of wankers who are plenty used to “cumming a bit early”. WH4 has some new faces on mismanagement this year. We all agree this is a good thing. But what has to be remembered is that there is always a learning curve. Yes, even mismanaging a club with no rules has potential for error. Take Sexcalibur and Bob Loblow for example. While performing their sign in duties (ha ha..I said dootie) they made the rookie mistake of confusing Hokie No Pokie for 2 Lips in the Bush. Those two guys have actually had their own girlfriends get confused before, so maybe we shouldn’t be too harsh. But Sexcalibur actually marked 2 Lips in the Bush down for the hash as Not Hokie. How did we all figure this out you ask? Well, all the braniac, masters of logic that showed up put 2 and 2 together and got confusion when 2 Lips was called out for being a long time no-seer despite being in Durango this weekend.
A temporary rant about car alarms before I mention the next stupid thing that happened. Has a car alarm ever stopped someone from stealing or breaking into a car? I’d say maybe, back in 1983 when they were first introduced, someone was deterred. But 3 months later every idiot in the country had one, and none of them knew how to use it. The result? A car alarm is set off by its owner every 23 minutes in the United States (totally true fact, in no way fabricated). If I saw a guy with a crowbar standing in front of a car with its alarm going off I’d probably just assume he locked himself out and I might even give him a hand breaking in. So why is any of this relevance? Because For Sale For Rent set off her own car alarm at the opening circle. How could this have possibly happened? Well, as she was strolling the parking lot she happened to look into the window of a car and noticed a beautiful ankle length winter coat. “I love those things she thought, and recently lost one just like it”. So she broke in, set off the alarm and then coyly realized it was her car and her jacket. Bravo.
The pack finally started to hash. After about 5’ we all knew something was wrong because Bad Dog was up in front actually yelling “OnOn” back to the pack. We made it to the beer check in one piece (Ha ha, I said “cock”). Since I arrived to the circle late, this was the first time I noticed that French Toasted was a hare. And that made absolutely no sense to me because we were only running for about 30’. And How’s Her Bush must know how to reign that guy in. As the runners were getting ready to take off from the beer check we noticed Bad Dog cumming into the beer check in standard fashion. Only this time, as he was more than happy to point out, he was not in last place. Hermaphrodites on Unicycles was plodding along behind him. Man, beaten by Bad Dog, I didn’t think that was possible.
The circle got underway by stand in RA Titly Winks, who was doing her best Al Pacino from The Godfather part III in saying, “I keep trying to get out and they keep pulling me back in”. Apparently it’s a old WH4 tradition to become RA or GM or any other MM position and then disappear for a while. If so, than kudos, mission accomplished because I don’t think there were three of them there. We had a couple of guy virgins who were serenaded by the vagina gallery with two very funny super bowl references, one involving double covering his Tight End and the other virgin got his own private halftime show. Couldn’t be much worse than seeing freaky 5’1’’ prince strutting around on stage. But for once I’m glad to see that someone has become a born again Christian. I don’t need my sexuality brought into question by watching that guy dance around provocatively in tights anymore. As always, there were plenty of violations. FSFR might be leaving us to join up w/ the band jamiroquai (see photo).
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Fox Twat was afraid that since this is WH4, and we put photos on the web, she should’ve remembered her makeup. But being so close to the holiday party, she also forgot her leather teddy and bull whip. Put it Out loves to sing Karaoke. But he took his passion to a new level when he snuck away and started to sing “Love In The Elevator” by Aerosmith while changing into his dry clothes in an actual elevator. Lets just hope they really were dry clothes, I don’t want to know what he was doing in there. Read my Lips managed to show off some photos on her camera to stop the security guard form interrupting our circle. I say, “show one-show all”, but only that keystone cop got to see anything. Seriously, that guy was old. Wookin Pa Nub, looking every bit of a homeless garden gnome.
was helping to beautify the local McLean neighborhood by standing in peoples yards. After he was shot at he realized the the McMansions in Mclean do not allow such rubbish. They also don’t like garden gnomes. He was holding onto the Hash Shit for like a million reasons, but gave it up to T and Ehh..who is leaving us for our copy cat, socialist neighbors to the north, and this is her last chance to both have the hash shit and get medical attention without a six month wait. I didn’t go to the bar because there was a little game on TV that I wanted to see. But I’m sure it was a good time
Pardon the interruption, but Cock-a-doodle do me will return next week.
OnOn..Obeastiologist.
1108.5 WH4 AGM
”Ah, savage company; but in the church
with saints, and in the taverns with the gluttons.”
--Inferno (XXII, 13)
In the taverns with the gluttons, is my kind of place. At this sin city that was created, many sins were committed. Dante had it correct on the seven deadly sins. Some sins were committed more than any others.
Your friendly neighborhood Pond Scum here to tell you the tales of the sins you committed on Saturday night. This time I was actually able to imbibe in the adult beverages but I still remember what went on. I did, however, have a back up plan if my mind and notebook failed me. I Dream of Weenie was in the unfortunate position of being in the same state I was in last year (sober); anything I may have forgot just ask her. She concurred that sobriety sucks and ask me “How the hell did you do this last year; this party isn’t nearly as fun as it should be.” From your lips, to god’s ears…
Gluttony
Do you realize how much beer was consumed? A lot and you all are guilty of this sin. Thank your brew crew every time; they make sure that you can commit this sin every Sunday. (Mondays in the summer)
Lust
For those of you that got to the party early, you were “lucky” enough to see demonstrations from Crucible regulars on the equipment. This was a period of the party that I like to call “when fantasy, meets reality”. Close your eyes and picture two women tying each other up, making out, and sucking on each other’s pink parts. I know what you are thinking and that is fantasy. Now, picture the same situation but one of the women weighs about the same as me. The other woman, well, let’s just say her biggest fear isn’t muggers--it’s poachers. That is reality. By this point I realized that I had not consumed enough alcohol for that scene to be even close to being sexy. As Big Bang pointed out, “Going down on a “2” five times does NOT mean that you hooked up with a 10” Many people looked on to some of the other demonstrations. There was a knife demonstration where one person was tied up and another dragged a knife across them. Yellow Sub-my-weenie looked on and asked numerous questions to the demonstrators. When asked if he wanted to try it a very emphatic “Not a chance in hell” was exclaimed. The women who went on to explain the pleasure of the knives and how it is sexy asked Yellow Sub-my-weenie why he didn’t want to try it. The response was “Because I had a well-adjusted childhood--that’s why”. It was funny, but probably something you shouldn’t say to a girl that ties men up and drags knives across their body as a form of pleasure. There was much more than the knives though. Several people watched the spanking demonstration. Tit-ly Winks watched more closely than anyone else; in fact she was more into it than the person actually being spanked. That leads to the question: Where is Obesiologist during this? Seriously dude, your chick digs the tying up and spanking--capitalize on that, and don’t let her have to fantasize about it once a year at the holiday party.
Wrath
In the next corner, a whipping demonstration had few on-lookers, but it caught my attention more than any other. The girl that was tied up was a very interesting specimen. Not because she actually was interesting, but something to stare at. For the same reason you stare a Ferrari when it goes by, some people stared at this spectacle. No, not because it was a thing of beauty, but because it was a complete anomaly. When this woman took her shirt off Das Koont said “Wow that was sexy… about 200 pounds ago.” When she was being whipped, it was like a tossed pebble landing in a lake. Now, I am a big guy, and I know. I know what I can get away with. I know, having rolls fat is neither desirable nor sexy. I especially know that there is no way in hell that watching fat ripple is a turn on. When the whip made impact and ripples formed, I giggled. A scornful look was shot my way and the women told me that I am only laughing because I don’t understand the art. I was then told that my “nervous laughter” was because I am such a prude and that I cannot accept the unknown. A barrage of insults about me not being very open minded came from this woman’s mouth. Getting tired of it, I told her “Yeah, well at least my favorite sexual position isn’t beached!” It’s much easier to insult people that are tied up. I pick easy targets, I know.
More on the various torture devices was the woman that I will call “The Shocker”. She was, by far, the most interesting person demonstrating at the Crucible. The Shocker had a wand that shocked you. There ever various attachments and one attachment that she could turn her whole body into an electrode. Butt Brown Ale decided that it would be best if the Shocker shocked his balls. Naturally, Butt Brown Ale pulled up his skirt (OK, kilt) and the Shocker grabbed his balls. A squeal like a schoolgirl came out, but followed by, “That hurt to have my balls shocked, but I got a chick to grab my balls.” The onlookers tried to convince him to allow him to be shocked in the good old “brown eye”. Butt Brown Ale promptly told us (in his highly drunken state) “It takes a lot to want something up your ass. Ever since the hemorrhoids; well, no way man.” 3 Ring Cervix was concerned about BBA being shocked, and thought that it had changed him. She said “He used to be Direct Current, now, he’s just alternating”. To make it up for mocking him, she allowed him to become an electrode and touch tongues. Sparks flew. Literally. Not wanting to be left out Tit-ka-boob got in on the action making a three way shocker. Apparently, being shocked makes even innie nipples become outties, so I’ve been told.
Envy
Blows a Tranny and Can’t Fuck Dust both came with their dicks in a box. Because Can’t Fuck Dust had a smaller box, he didn’t want to be outdone, so he actually cut a hole and put his dick in a box. Staring intently, Red Eye Vagina exclaimed “I’m in awe”. I’m not sure if he was talking about the dicks, or the boxes, but maybe it was both. Because I am such a prude and I didn’t want to be outdone, I just forgot the box. It took Snap Crackle Poop to realize that I was not a dick in a box but just a dick. Thanks for staring at my crotch and noticing. (Maybe that should go in the Lust section…)
As many women walked around with latex or nothing at all, Snatch Shot commented on the merits of big boobs. The graphic description of big boobs and their benefits was quite a captivating discussion. Being the nice guy, Big Bang said “big boobs are highly overrated”. On behalf of the man-whore community, I am calling you a liar. It’s nice that you said that, but you are lying! Boobs are never overrated.
10:45 PM, it is time to Whip the midget! We knew it was time to whip the midget because the little hand was touching the little hand. Yes, the midget was whipped. It was exactly as funny as it sounds!
Greed
I am not sure if this act was committed. Some did complete the punishment. According to Dante, the sinner must be placed in boiling oil. Since we had no boiling oil, hot wax was the closest thing. Your new RA Can’t Fuck Dust had his wiener waxed. Yes ladies, he had hot wax poured directly on it. Free Willy hot wax dripped on her and described it “I though it would burn like a mother fucker, but it surprisingly feels good”. Many others stepped up to the waxing station. I am a total tool so I asked the type of wax it was that they were pouring, and the melting points of the wax. Nothing says sexy like talking about the chemical breakdown of types of wax. I know, ladies, hold yourselves back, I’m taken. The dominatrix poured the wax directly on her nipples to prove to me that it doesn’t hurt. This also comes from a woman that is into pain for a living, so take it for what it is worth. Speaking of a dominatrix, you can learn a lot from one. Specifically, people actually pay her for “Cock and Ball Torture”. This means she steps on dude’s junk and people pay her. Runway Snatch was very disappointed to find out that she could have made a living from this and that she was actually doing it for free.
I am not going to write my own inferno. Sloth takes over, and I will finish with the Cliffs Notes. There is much more sin that occurred, but consider the rest that follows “the good parts version”. Some of you notable sinners were:
- Although 2 Lips in the Bush is often confused for Hokie No Pokie he is not. He did, however, have a “Hokie Moment” before the party even started. He hurt his hand on the front door on the way in.
- For Sale or Rent took over for Late Nite Drive-Through from last year (see last years trash). She actually looked like she was having a seizure on the dance floor. A note for next year, please do not take dancing tips from Seinfield’s Elaine.
- Takes it up the Ehh had a vibrating glove. Best. Hand-job. Ever.
- Number 2 pointed out that the reason there is a curtain in the bathroom was because it is much easier than a glory hole. Apparently pulling a curtain to the side is much easier than the uncertainty of going through an improperly sized and positioned hole
- Monday Sticky Monday loves his penis (so says the t-shirt) Runway Snatch loves her penis (so says the t-shirt)
- Sucks Cock for Crack was looking “VERY NICE” in his grey suit. He was also looking for #1 prostitute in all of DC. He was not drinking the proper drink of his country which is fermented horse urine.
- Hokie No Pokie was very proud that he found Assfucking Vol. 19. In fact, that was going to be the title of his last Hash Announcement.
- Snatch Shot snuck in a flask but tried her hardest to be discreet about drinking from it. Because liquor, THAT would be taboo in that club.
- Private Snowball was dressed as a girl scout and was constantly reminded that the hardest part about eating a brownie is getting those damn orange socks off. For a long time Private Snowball was tied down. Many people believe that he was tied down in order to keep his hands from being down his pants, like he does so often in circle.
- Mother May I the man-whore laws dictate that you are guilty of being H-O-T HOT. You can thank Tit-ly Winks for showcasing you.
- Nippon Tuck pointed out that the wrestling mats in Private Room #1 were so you can stretch out before you get on the equipment and not pull anything. Puppy concluded “ummm… yeah… stretching”
- Duck Duck Bush thought that because there was a midget present, that he would dress in all white and make his own version of Fantasy Island.
- Cock-a-doodle-do-me no means no.
- Holy Mackerel could not step up to the plate this year and knock one out of the park this year. In fact he just plain struck out with Raise my Titanic this year.
- Obesioligist even though you dressed up like a reject for the cast of swingers, you still look like Frankenberry
- It’s Butt Fucking Time was disappointed that people showed up on time. She wanted to check out the private rooms. She wasn’t nearly as disappointed as Chewbacca was.
- Crafty, you try way too hard. The rumor is that you have a fiancée. You should really watch yourself in a room of people that will sell you out for a Solo cup of cold beer.
- Hasher Humber was so disinterested in the party that she fell asleep in the upstairs lounge
- Poodle Fucked was a dead on ringer for Disco Stu
- Knee Deep was rocking a pair of “Don’t Fuck me Pumps.” The are commonly known as Crocks. Those things are just dude repellant!
There are many more sins that I may have forgotten, or just chose to ignore. I leave you with my last sin and that is pride. Damn, I write a good write up. I piss awesome!
‘til the next episode,
Pond Scrum
1110 – 1/28/07
WH4 Trail #1110 – January 28, 2007 – Best Hash Ever MM07
Location: Van Dorn Metro
Hares: Blows a Tranny, Bob Lablaw, Double Header, Peace O Chum, Cock A Doodle Do Me
OnOnOn: Charlie Chang’s China Buffet of Yummy Goodness.
Justs: Just Ryan T and Just Rich
Visitors: God
Beer Bitch: Just Rich (And sorry ladies, this does not mean he has a lot of money)
Analversaries: Slurpee – 25 run mug.
[pics]
Ah the best hashes are always after a huge hash party. Everyone show up on time, loves the trail, and doesn’t bitch. That being said, this was the best trail EVER for the 2007 WH4 Mismanagement, yeah 2007 bitches, yeah!!! 2007 Rocks!!
For reasons beyond my control I walked the trail (uh I was working off a bitch of a hang over, seriously who wants to turn down alcohol when a midget is serving? That would be like saying no to free porn. Oh wait, I already said yes to free porn on Sat. Obviously, I had no choice but to drink). Now normally I expect the walker’s trail to be calm and carefree, I was wrong. 5 min into the walker’s trail the boys in blue showed up, I blame George W. Just because he’s sober doesn’t mean he should force it on the rest of us. I’d like to take a moment here to thank Wooken Pa Nub for taking it upon himself for drinking for the entire hash and Read My Lips for posing with the police officer so when we spot him at the bar later we know who to thank.
Finally we make it to the beer check after Dildo Shaggins cleverly suggests a game of tag as a diversionary tactic, because at this point there was another cop car sitting between the walkers and the beer van (best party on wheels ever!). After enjoying the bitter cold for several minutes, Happy on His Knees and French Toasted raced in showing the pack the way to beer after a long arduous trail! Wang Chunks celebrated the union of the pack with beer by relieving himself on Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.
After a short beer check and several shot checks later everyone circled up in anticipation of Can’t Fuck Dust’s first circle as the new RA. Only after Nub specifically told Winn Dick Me to stop getting naked. Oh Nub, when will you ever learn.
Thank god a few other hashers did some dumb things so Nub wouldn’t be alone for violations:
Slurpee: While peeing on trail told her dog not to drink her pee, thus implying that normally her dog likes golden showers
Can’t Fuck Dust: After being asked to demonstrate what a penis looked like asked if he could use the bathroom first to prepare himself. Shrinkage, what??
Duck Duck Bush: As the only walker who hates drinking made sure to call the cops so no one else could drink.
Wax On Wax Off: for missing a golden opportunity to get waxed off at the White House holiday party. Maybe he doesn’t like an audience, sad.
Next the imcumming mismanagement was introduced…. Blah blah blah blah. Followed by the giving of the hash shit (yay!!!). A-Salt My Ass (the hasher formerly known as Topher the Gopher Chauffer) retired the 2006 Hash Shit with the final add on of pubic trimmers. Seriously I don’t even want to come close to knowing where those have been. Spinal Tap then presented the new 2007 hash shit with a bag full of poo (well at least it looked like poo). The crowd then generously started nominating potential hash shit recipients there were:
Wooken Pa Nub: drunker at the hash then the holiday party
Wooken Pa Nub: discouraging nudity
Wooken Pa Nub: pissing on “civilians” at the beer check.
Wooken Pa Nub: for being so drunk Tooth Fairy needed to start drinking coke so he could drive Nub home
Jack Off Lantern: nominated but since he was sober by comparison and there for BORING, his nomination was useless.
See the pics to see who won.
Every then went to Charlie’s Chiangs for some china buffet; it’s almost like Vegas but without the legal prostitution.
On Out,
Cocky