1077 - July 24, 2006
WH4 #1077 – July 24, 2006 - Crystal City Metro
Hares: Jack Off Lantern, Double Header, Read My Lips and Slurpee
Well, kiddies, it’s that time again. “What time,” you ask? Time to read up on your favorite slackers and wankers who’ve embarrassed themselves enough to make it into print. Were you one? (If not, shame on you!)
The trail started typically enough with a gaggle of lost wankers looking for direction. Unfortunately, Mismanagement had all conveniently “forgotten” to show up, so Hokie No Pokie had the honor of being your RA/GM/Hab/part-time Scribe/general fluffer and beer-drinker-upper. He briefly introduced the virgins to us. Then he introduced our visitors: Elvira, Sodom-E, Piece of Chum, Chewbacca, and 2 Dumb 2 Die. Welcome! So there we were all in one place until someone told us to run somewhere else. And we did. And there was much rejoicing.
The trail was well laid, and particularly easy to follow. This was mostly due to a very confused Jack Off Latern who instead of utilizing the traditional system of checks and solutions performed the rarely seen and much maligned haring style know as FRB. It’s not too hard to solve the trail when you lead us right through the checks, dumbass!
The evening heat lingered on, so the Hares, in their deep concern of Hasher welfare, led us through a delightfully refreshing swim. Of course no hash swim would be complete without Hepatitis, so they picked a serene crossing with pleasing sights and sounds for all the senses only feet from the Waste Water Treatment Plant. Being smarter than you average hare, they even picked a spot where shorter wankers would have to swim as it was too deep. Being vertically challenged myself, I got the opportunity to shove my face in and was overjoyed at the subtle and piquant fecal tones you just don’t find in bottled water anymore.
After a refreshing dip in Turd Lake, I was ready for a drink. So off I went, after the pack to the Beer Check. Unfortunately, there was some confusion on where the damn thing was. The hares, in their infinite wisdom, had laid a True Trail mark right into a BT not 150 yards from the real Beer Check. You hare may want to read up on the Rules of The Road…Anyway, Just Frank became our Beer Bitch, (Nice work, Frank – good, strong hands. Someone get that boy a penis.) and the beer flowed like wine.
Thereafter, we hashed more and sang more and, if memory serves, picked up a wanker mid-trail who will apparently become a new transplant soon. Either that or maybe it was about potting plants? Or pot? These things get very confusing.
The ending circle went well – no one died until later – and there were many wonderful violations and annalversaries which I will summarize for you now:
Long Time/No See’ers –
Assume the Position, Cleopapsmear, Egotesticle, Friendly Thighs, Pubic Housing, T3, Turtle Dick, White
Cane, and 3-2-1-F*ck Off
Violations –
WinDickMe – Stole the Scribe’s sacred notes from his pocket without the courtesy of a reach-around
Follow the Bleeder and Test Tube Baby – Racing to the Beer Check
Just Dave – band-aid nipples on the Walker’s Trail!
Fuck’em Dano/Turtle Dick – Dano hid Turtle Dick behind a white, windowless rape van and proceeded to watch him change clothes post-coitus…..um….I mean, post-hash.
P.I.O. – Accused of having a turquoise stick. This begs the question, “Which boy had the turquoise
lipstick?”
SnatchShot – overheard on trail saying she woke up in a strange place with paint all over her tongue. I always knew Sherman Williams was a good man….
Annalversaries –
Bolo Head Rat – 169th Hash. Get a life!
Read My Lips – Happy 42nd Birthday, Fuck You!
Yours in Hasherly Love,
Tapped Three Times
1076 - July 17, 2006
Hares: Blows a Tranny & French Toasted
Start: Eisenhower Metro
OnOnOn: Ted’s Montana Grill
Virgins: No virgins, just a lot of whores.
Visitors: Sore Throat, Cumming Soon, Just Phillip, Keeps on Cumming, Hermaphrodites on Unicycles, and Jaws
Beer Bitch: Keeps on Cumming
Let it be said that 07/17/06 is the day that Satan actually looked to earth and said, “Holy shit, it’s hot up there. We could learn from that.” With temperatures pushing 100 degrees what could be better than a 6 mile trail through tons of shaggy and a shot check? The editor wishes to note that nothing could be better than this. The hares led the pack off over hill and under dale, through tunnels where we were led by the guiding force of Marco Homo, across lots of water, and through fields of fun. The runners made it to a fun shot check and then on to the beer check. The beer check was especially fun as the hares spent a lot of time searching for a location with stagnant water and biting flies. The walkers were especially happy to get there. From the beer check we headed out and headed under the freeway to start our circle.
There were a few violations.
New shoes (do you people ever learn?): Tooth Fairy, Sore Throat, Cumming Soon
The Hares (Blows a Tranny & French Toasted): Marked their trail in uncolored flour, hence engaging in cocaine culture. Spend the first 30 steps with the flour and feeling wonderful, spend the rest of the trail associating with degenerates and looking for more flour. That and they didn’t tell us anything whatsoever about the trail in the circle.
Slurpee: For loudly proclaiming that she “gets nervous when things get soft.” We all do honey.
All Lickie No Dickie and Hokie No Pokie: For having an extended conversation about the virtues of watersports.
Hermaphrodites on Unicycles – robbed a grave of an angel, then broke the angel.
Mellow Foreskin Cheese – for wearing so much wicking material on the walkers trail he might as well have been a tampon.
Late Night Drive Through – for offering anal sex but not following through with it.
Jackoff Lantern – For wearing technology on trail.
Wookin Pa Nub, Motor Mouth, & One Time At Hand Camp – for playing brokeback hopscotch on the way in as the frbs.
Chasing the Beast – for being felcharific.
We had some people who don’t come to our hash enough. They were: Gimme a Dick, Fuck ‘em Dano, Tooth Fairy, Senor Doucheberg, and Chasing the Beast
Some people come too often: Please Step Away From The Whores finally had 150 walks under his belt.
Our hash shit made an appearance. After many nominations the hash gave it to Blows a Tranny for being a pavement pounder and knowing it. And being proud of it. Also, he made the trail so long that most of us missed the OnOnOn.
Finally, we had a brief naming. As some of you all know when two hashers get married we give them a married name. Usually it’s something along the lines of “nevergettofuckagain” but this time, with Rocket Socket and Orgasm ‘Til It Stops (OTIS) we named them Rocket Orgasm. Quick and painless.
Then we went to various bars and tried to get laid in various types of ways.
1075 - July 10, 2006
Location: Tenleytown
On On On: The Malt Shop
Hares: Put it out, Snap crackle poop, pay per view
Virgins: Just Jessica, Just Dan, Just Joe
Visitors: Norwegian Wood
Off the pack went after a surprisingly coordinated rendition of Father Abraham. The hares left us a brightly marked trail to follow through neighborhoods, across fields, through children’s games, and up and down stairs. Surprisingly, no one got lost in the highly dangerous gentrified area surrounding American University. Surprisingly, Hokie No Pokie remaind fully in tact through the entire trail.
We got to the beer check behind a Frank Lloyd Wrong house where it was later discovered that Pay Per View had run Put it Out’s truck (the bag vehicle) off the road. Pay per view has since learned that off roading is best left to areas near Bentonville, VA.
We left the beer check and headed on in past a lovely free concert. Then it was time to get drunk and start circle, which our lovely Titly Winks ran with reckless abandon.
Some people never learn on trail, hence there were some violations:
Underground Railroad - New shoes.
Motormouth – The hash found out that he keeps a ridiculous amount of shoes in his hash bag and couldn’t decide which matched his running shorts the best, hence his footwear fetish was in full action.
Obeasteologist – Couldn’t stop talking about his scat fetish. Has a forbidden love of tubgirl.
Titly Winks & Double Header (Sharon Peters) – couldn’t remember that there was a naked hash at the camping trip. Also couldn’t remember that they were hareing it.
Texas T & A – Needed a boost from Hokie No Pokie to jump a hip high fence.
Some people just stay away too long. Something tells me Wang Chunks should shower more:
Poop Turkey
Tipper Whipper
George Stuff An Octopus
Beaver Whack
Dumb Blonde (who after a number of years finally got his 100th run mug)
Thank the lord, our hash shit returned. Titly Winks was in possession of it and offered it up for consideration. Without further adieu, the nominations were as follows:
Wang Chunks – for wearing the same clothes to every hash for the last month
Dumb Blonde – for whining about getting his run mug after only 2 years of waiting
Hokie No Pokie – for being Hokie
Ultimately, the hash decided that Titly Winks would be lonely without a hash shit, so she got to keep it for one more week.
Then, and only then, did we have a naming. Just David finally had his comeuppance and we thought it would be best to call him something dirty.
We were reminded that Just David works as an IT Guy, loves to 69 (liar, no one loves to 69), last had sex 4 months ago, and has a thing for sheep at an edge of a cliff (they push back). His most embarrassing moment was when his high school girlfriend’s grandmother walked in on he and his girlfriend doing something. I assume they were playing yahtzee.
We were also told the story about when Double Header (Sharon Peters) used to date Just David and after giving her a money shot that John Holmes would be proud of he grabbed a handful of pubes from the nightstand drawer only to throw them on her face, making her Abe Lincoln.
The hash was also reminded that he had a girlfriend with a double wide trailer.
And most importantly, we were reminded that he injured himself in an attempt to be Hokie No Pokie, and had to wear an eye patch for a while.
Therefore these names were suggested:
Can I Work On Your Motherboard
Hardware Failure
Dirty Pirate Whore
Lincoln Log Jam
And a bunch of other crappy names.
But ultimately, the hash decided that forever more he shall be known as: Arrrrgh, Quiver Me Member
Circle was ended, people got drunk and went to the bar, then they tried to get laid. It was pathetic watching some of them try. Your trash lesson of the day, should you read this far: TRY HARDER.
1074 - July 3, 2006
Every Day Is Wednesday Invades The White House Hash
Hares: Can’t Find Pussy In A Haystack, Cockblocked by Jesus, Pre-Dick-a-Mint, Jedi Boob Trixxx
Start: Brookland/Catholic U Metro
OnOnOn: Kelly’s Ellis Island
Virgins: Just Shannon, Just Joel, Just Tom
Visitors:
We all got to the start, amazingly enough, as some wankers couldn’t seem to find it initially. It apparently is extremely difficult to see out the gates of the metro. Our very own Wang Chunks was back from the Seminal state to help us start opening circle. That, of course, couldn’t help our hares who have apparently been taking Father Abraham lessons from the Helen Keller School of Reading and Music.
Our hares sent us off over hill and dale, through tree and pavement, across back checks that followed back over true trail arrows. Note: Can’t Find Pussy In A Haystack is the hare razor for Every Day Is Wednesday and apparently knows what hash marks mean. The author cannot speak for the rest of the hares, but assumes that PIH was getting laid and the rest of the hares reverted back to the rule that there are no rules in hashing.
Eventually the pack got to the shotless shot check, the beer check where there was plenty of beer , and to the homeless wonderland underneath the highway and near the metro for closing circle where our beer bitch, Just Elspeth, served us much tasty beer. Everyone made it safely and without too much blood on trail.
There were some violations:
Poop Weiner should know to never tell the scribe that he bought new shoes just the day before and tried to dirty them up. One Time At Hand Camp showed up late wearing new shoes as well. Some wankers never learn.
Jag Queen is a huge racist, though tried to change his shirt to get out of it.
Put It Out feels the need to leave beer checks early so he can get to the end faster, even though Beauty Parlor hadn’t left yet.
Bow Chick A Bow Bow and his sister Just Shannon for committing incest on trail.
There was one analversary- Can’t Find Pussy In A Haystack finally made it to 25 runs.
The hash shit was not present and was missed by all. There was also no naming. And then we went to the bar and got drunk and watched Just Shannon dance on the bar.