1069 - May 29, 2006

Ten 69s is One Hot Afternoon

Hares: Wax on Whacks Off, Tit-ly Winks, Mother May I, Can't Fuck Dust, Obeasiologist
Start: Ft. Hunt Park
OnOnOn: Ft. Hunt Park
Virgins: Just Too Many (14)
Visitors: Suck Yer Dad, Roo Dog, Mother Chalker, Slashmaster, Bitty Titty
Beer Bitch: Just Kevin

[pictures]

Well, the big day was finally here. The White House Hash found a way to celebrate its 1069th run AND Memorial Day in style. Debaucherous style. One Hundred fifty or so hashers forsook all other familial, social, and hash obligations to converge on Ft. Hunt Park for a hash and barbecue. And they got what they expected. What they didn't expect was that May would feel like July and that half the pack would be near death by the middle of trail.

Hokie No Pokie played GM for yet another day and kicked things off with chalk talk for the virgins and then opening circle for the rest of the wankers. The hares promised three trails, two beer checks, and one square meal.

The packs headed out on trail. The eagles quickly got stumped by the trail markings. At least, that's what it sounded like to your scribe who followed Put It Out and immediately found himself off trail and on the highway. We eventually found trail again just as the pack was turning a corner to catch up to us. Trail went on for another three miles before we were offered the chance to stop for beer and water. It is hard to imagine where the brew crew managed to find water in the Sahara. It was hot. Hashers were drinking water first, then beer.

When we left the beer check, 90% of the eagles switched to turkey trail and still suffered for it. The pack soon found itself popping into the woods and out into the backyard of Mother May I and family. What a nice family. First they led their daughter to the hash, then they let her have the hash come to their house, then they even show up themselves and one offers to hare for the walkers. Of course, the trail took so long the walkers were there and gone before we arrived, but that's another story. The only thing I didn't like about Mother May I's family was the way they taunted us with a backyard pool on a hot day like this. There was beer and water a-plenty, but the pool was closed. Feh!

Titly Winks wrangled Just Herman (AKA Kevin) to serve as beer bitch and he was ever so willing to serve. From the second beer check, it was a short trip back to the park. At least it seemed like it when the ambulance dropped me off. The hares fired up the grills, the pack tore open the snacks and everyone settled in for a good time.

After a while, Titly Winks rounded everyone up for what promised to be a good circle. Bow Chicka Bow Bow came in to demonstrate proper down-down technique to the 14 virgins. If only we'd had 58 more virgins, this would have been paradise. Instead the day was hotter than hell. Despite such adversity, the penis and vagina galleries managed to pull through with possibly their best performances ever. The visitors stepped in and we met Mother Chalker, Suck Yer Dad, Roo Dog, Slashmaster and Bitty Titty (she thinks).

And then it was time for violations and for your scribe to confess his utter failure to write anything down. Dumbass. Fortunately, the pack provided the following:

• The Hares for setting up a beer check on a hot day when the pool was closed.
• Nasty When Wet and Slurpee for complaining about too much Wang at the WISHHH camping trip. Apparently he is not in Florida.
• Butt Brown Ale for complaining that a tequila shot was too big.
• Telecum for losing his 1069 hash tag
• Evil Jesus for failing to walk on water when given the opportunity.
• NAMBLA for lingering too long by the kiddie pool.
• 38 Flavors for complaining she was "dry".
• Wowo who ran by a young girl near the pool only to hear her point and complain "that disgusts me."
• Obeastiologist who didn't bother to look when Titly Winks flashed, saying "I've seen those before."
• Semen on the Pew and Just Gretchen showed up in matching outfits.
• Put It Out was still sporting a nipple bruise from Wowo.
• Two Sheep to Fuck sported a race shirt.

With all the commotion from the violations, no one seemed to notice the increased threat level for the RA. The security detail called "Shots fired" and established a protective dome until the threat was mitigated. The Long Time No Seers stepped in to be re-introduced to the pack. We saw 38 Flavors, Mitey Tite, Mitey Duke, Mud Pie, Mud Flap, Turbo Twat, and Cleopapsmear.

The overacheivers were next and we recognized:

• 469 Mellow Foreskin Cheese
• 300 Mitey Tite
• 269 Wowo
• 25 Backdoor Buckaroo, Cockulust, and Bow Chicka Bow Bow

We tried to name Just Hannah, but she worried over the fact that she only had one shirt and it was white. Some people worry about the smallest things. Just Marcella had no objections to getting named, which was odd since she is a lawyer.

Just Marcella

• likes sheep
• is an attorney
• likes it on top
• likes her meat raw
• went to Duke

Suggestions were mostly in the legal vein

• Jackoff Abramoff
• 69th Circuit
• Plausible Deniability
• Bend Me Over the Bar
• Habeas Clitoris

After very little deliberation, Just Marcella will now be known as Habeas Clitoris.

Finally, we welcomed the hash shit back into our midst. Mudflap had been hiding out with its oddly phallic handle and beaded rope for several months. But he (and it) emerged at the 1069th. The hash shit was none the worse for the wear and didn't even seem to have any new adornments, as tradition would have preferred.

The nominations were:

• Mudflap for keeping it so long
• Read My Lips for spilling beer
• Nasty When Wet for complaining about too much wang
• The Brokeback Boys (Backdoor Buckaroo and Butt Brown Ale, all three BBs) who showed up wearing matching Stetsons.

It was a tough call to see who got the hash. The Brokeback boys were the clear winners, but which one would actually get custody? The wise RA settled the debate by pointing out that the true winner was the one who had drunk beer from another man's ass. So Butt Brown Ale won this round.

1068 - May 21, 2006

Episode MLXVIII: The Shiggy Strikes Back
Hares: Hokie No Pokie, JackOff Lantern, Can't Find Pussy in a Haystack, Texas T & A
Start: Fairbrook Drive in Herndon, VA
OnOnOn: Jimmy's Old Town Tavern
Virgins: Just Mike, Just Janet, Just Angela, Just Hallie, Just Jeff, Just Andy, Just Brad
Visitors: (none)
Beer Bitch: Just Marcella

[pictures]

Today's hares revealed their inner nerd by pointing out in the hareline that May 21 is the anniversary of the release of The Empire Strikes Back. For those of you that don't remember this kind of crap, that was the second, sorry, fifth episode in the long and boring saga of the incestuous relationship between Luke Skywanker and his sister, Princess Layme. Other than the date and the location of Herndon, VA in a galaxy far, far away, this hash bore no other relation to Star Wars.

The start was in a parking lot behind an office complex in Herndon. What else is there in Herndon besides parking lots and offices complexes (or is it complexi?). Chalk talk and circle were held beside a gate labeled "Do not enter. No trespassing under penalty of law. Violators will be confined to a federal pound me in the ass prison." We figured we would be in there at some point.

Back Snatch was seen running in to the start. This act was designed to convince us that he ran from Vienna metro. In reality, he ran from the bus stop around the corner. As the rest of the pack arrived, we were stunned to see two things long absent from our hash: virgins and mismanagement. Titly Winks circled everyone up and we met our virgins. There were seven. I hope we didn't blow our load here. It's not even Memorial Day yet, the poor kids can't wear their virginal white. I hope we still have virgins throughout the summer. There were no visitors, but virgins are more fun anyway. Everyone likes to talk about the first time.

The hares came in to tell us about their trail. They suggested that it was more like a 5k Fun Run. Short, flat, fast. Absolutely no tunnels. The poor virgins looked so eager to believe. Just Brad was the only realist. He was seen surreptitiously slipping a Power Bar into his pocket before the start. Moist Sushi must have tipped him off.

The trail started out pretty uninspired. We ran through the parking lot and around a hotel full of startled guests. Then we found the W&OD and ran down that for a while and then, wait a second, where did it go? The trail led down into a stream and the pack found itself faced with the age old predicament: Do we run in the stream and immediately face the cold water, slime, and gravel? Or do we run next to the stream and deal with the poison ivy later?

Are You In? was excited to see the stream. So excited, in fact, that her shorts were wet while the area between her knees and her shorts was not. She called this a "personal moment." Most of the pack stayed in the stream and followed it for some time, eventually finding their way to set of tunnels. These were helpfully labeled "Short", "Dry", and "Well Lit". It didn't really matter which one we picked, they were all lies.

The tunnel was long, but apparently not long enough. Read My Lips was heard to say "My tunnel is way longer". It only seems that way because your boyfriend has a little dick.

At the end of the sequence of tunnels was the BC. Shockingly, it was in the parking lot of an office complex next to an alligator infested drainage pond. We think the alligator was just there to ward off the geese. It did nothing to ward off the Put It Outs that swam out to check and make sure it a) wasn't real and b) couldn't be made into a pair of shoes anyway.

Can't Fuck Dust got in a little bit of trouble at the BC. It seems Just Hallie showed up under-prepared. She didn't have a light so CFD graciously lent her one of his. Which one? The little one. I don't think she was impressed.

Just Hallie's friend Just Marcella didn't have much time to laugh at this little moment as she became Beer Bitch and there was much celebration. Ok, just the usual amount. Bow Chicka Bow Bow missed out on the singing because he was out taking a dump on trail. An uncomfortable prospect for many of you, but BCBB actually somewhat enjoyed it. He found a newspaper and took pleasure in wiping his ass with Bill Frist's face. We all have those days.

The trail continued on from the BC but only for a moment. We dropped down into a tunnel attached to the gator infested pond and, two tunnels later, found ourselves exiting the wilds of Herndon from behind the sign at the start that said "No trespassing." Fortunately, we didn't see any signs where we entered the area so it must have been legal.

The pack took some time to enjoy the beautiful weather and snacks and beer. This kind of day is what hashing is all about. T & Ehh was pleased to note that the diet beer on tap today was Baltimore's own Natty Bo. That's nice, but please don't confuse us with BAH3.

Titly Winks rounded up the pack for what promised to be a good circle. Imaginary Girlfriend was so excited by the prospect that he spilled a full beer. Backdoor Buckaroo demonstrated the proper down-down technique for the virgins. Somehow, they were able to follow his lead. The penis and vagina galleries, warming up after a long, mild winter, rose to the occasion and welcomed the virgins with style and class. Well, as much as this group can muster.

T & Ehh was recognized for her 69th run and 3 Ring Cervix for her 25th. Only one of them got a mug.

There were many violations:

• Texas T & A and the hares - for laying a backcheck 15 and only putting down 7 blobs of flower. Honey, it only seemed longer because of a lifetime of men trying tell you what 12 inches is.
• Butt Brown Ale - somehow managed to reach the age of 40 and yet still felt young enough to pass out on the sidewalk between the bar and the metro.
• Wookin Pa Nub - showed off to the other walkers by doing a handstand on the grate over the tunnel by the gator pond. Where did that boy get all his forearm strength, hmm?
• Pond Scrum - a rather large fellow, showed up to the hash with his new, rather small dog. Perhaps he caught a ride with Bad Dog who showed up in a little Miata.
• Bad Dog - despite having keys to the house and car of every member of his family, Bad Dog also a rather large fellow, chose to drive the Miata.
• Rocket Socket and OTIS - for losing sight of the goal of having as much sex as possible. They are now engaged and moving to Indonesia for three years. That's a hell of a honeymoon.

And finally, today we had a very special occasion. Yes, a naming.
What did we learn about Just Jen:

• She produces educational videos. This sounds like porn, but the high-brow kind you don't feel dirty for buying.
• Her favorite farm animal is the pig
• She likes it on top
• She has a tramp stamp (dolphins) and is not afraid to use it in arguments.
• She went to U of Georgia and George Mason
• She once received a sex toy called "The Pleasure Dome" and modeled it a la Vanna White in her birthday photos.
• She is sex deprived.
• She has a LOT of shoes

We threw all that in the hopper, added beer, stirred and came out with the following possibles:

• Dildo Demo
• Pleasure Gnome
• Gimme an Oooo
• I'd like to buy a howl
• Dick Sucking Whore

And the winner was: Gimme an Ooooo

1067 - May 14, 2006

Your Mother's Gay Hash

Hares: Semen on the Pew, Can't F*ck Dust, A Red River Runs Through It, Rear
End Loader
Start: 14th St NE and Maryland Ave
OnOnOn: The Argonaut
Virgins: Just Tania, Just Jocelyn, Just Elsbeth
Visitors: Rash (Ben Franklin Mob, Philly), Jisonme Hendrix (someplace else)

[in memoriam]

The pack was small on this rainy, bleak Sunday afternoon. One line of thinking assumes that most wankers were off paying respects to the women who nursed them through infancy. Or, more likely, they were still nursing themselves from a Saturday that hosted several Bacchanalian extravagances. Yet another theory suggests that some wankers were scared away by the fact that hares witnessed a shooting when they scouted trail in this neighborhood.

Despite these impediments, there was enough of a showing to hash and hash we did. There was even flour. Well, until the rain started. The trail started off across the street from Checkers. That's about all I remember. I'd normally use the hash flash photos here to jog my memory, but apparently Test Tube Baby's camera memory got its own jogging in the rain. Crap!

Well, uh, so we ran down some streets and then past some houses. I think there was a hill or two. We ended up behind an apartment building where SCFC attempted a coup in Titly Winks absence. God looked down upon this and saw that it was bad and caused the heavens to open up and pour forth as it was written in the Bible. (Well, my illustrated version anyway.) Beer check complete, the runners' trail wandered around for a few blocks to kill some distance while the walkers strolled on home.

At the ending circle SCFC made another failing attempt at past glory. We circled up under the threat of rain and thunder. We welcomed virgins Just Tania who was made to come by her sister On-ya Vania. They're both Brazilian. No, not down there, but down THERE (South America). Just Jocelyn was there w/ sister Just Jessica and dog Just Rosie. Jackoff Lantern brought Just Elsbeth who has a name that is very difficult for a scribe to spll.

For Sale Or Rent and Grab Bag got a chance to show the virgins how to do a down-down. This was supposed to be an admonishment for holding a private party in circle, but served as more of a reward. Who gives out beer for punishment? The virgins managed to figure things out anyway. The RA was the one having trouble. First, he forgot to call the hares in, then he forgot to give the virgins nicknames, and finally, he forgot about the penis and vagina galleries. Send him back to the minor leagues (note to any federal agents reading this web page. This reference to minors is not a violation under USC 70053.69 and is in fact in reference to the structure of training teams for Major League Baseball. It in no way implies that the author is involved in activities with under-age women or animals. Even if there is grass on the field.)

The visitors came. Then they entered the circle for recognition. Rash was in town for the previous night's FMH3 Bach-a-Nail-Ya Wine Hash. She hashes with the Ben Franklin Mob. Then there was Jisonme Hendrix from somewhere else, but he wasn't as hot as Rash so I stopped paying attention. Bundling Board came out as well. Or maybe that was as a long time no seer. He's always trying to grab some attention. Speaking of long time no seers, there were a ton. It's like people think they have lives outside of the hash.

Finally we came to violations:

• Moist Sushi showed up at the hash with numbers all over her arms and legs. My theory has it that she was a bar the night before and couldn't find a matchbook so she offered the guys a grease pencil and various body parts. Either that or she was racing. Both are violations according the Uniform Code of Malarkey Justice.
• Moist Sushi pimped herself out even more by tagging SSBB with a giant "MS". Someone pointed out that these were also gang initials and that Beauty Parlor had also been tagged. Well, if that's the case, at least both vans are now in the same gang so we don't need to bring out the Jets and the Sharks for a rumble.
• I Dream of Weenie was seen running while holding her butt. I don't know what this was about, but it's better than her husband Yellow Submarine who was home with the Italian-Irish flu (that's when you get sick on wine and try to make yourself better with beer).
• Hokie No Pokie tried shopping for used computer parts on a street corner. Yet another thing you can find on a corner that can give you a virus.
• Semen on the Pew got violated for wearing shorts that were twice as long as any other pair he owns. The rest of the hares got dragged in for this one as well.

1066 - May 7, 2006

Hares: Are You In?, It's Buttfucking Time!, Read My Lips, & Thong Butt Not Forgotten
Start: Shirlington, Arlington VA
OnOnOn: Bungalow Billiards
Beer Bitch: Just Linda, now known as Slurpie
Brew Crew: Takes It up the Eh & Knee Deep Pussy High

It was a beautiful sunny day for a trail, and the hares were wearing their safety yellow vests and reminding everyone to carry their flashlights. Hmmmmmm, I wonder what this could mean about the upcoming trail.....

At the start, a number of Long Time No See-ers were out and about: Spinal Tap, Three Ring Cervix, Short Bus Bitch, Blow Job, and Bend Over Rover. The pack took off and we completed a full circle before the pack realized it was a circle jerk and a BT. The trail veered off the pavement and into a stream bed before moving into a tunnel. The tunnel was long and hard, and spooged black goo on a few hashers. Blows a Tranny was running like he sat on a pipe after he left the tunnel. Apparently it was good for both of them.

The beer check was in an empty parking lot for a company called Sure Shot Productions. I was very excited that the business was named after me, but they had a typo in the sign. The pack filtered in. Shelacking the Bishop and Duck Job were seen explaining how to drink out of a mug to Just Sierra. She was more fascinated by the puddles on the ground from turning the mug upside down. Big Bang and Can't F*ck Dust were relaxing on the hill and recovering from the tunnel. The pack went on out after the beer stop, and Short Bus was leading the Milf crew of $50 Bitch and Vominatrix over the hill with their strollers as Cheese Wizz and I tagged along.

Violations:

• Butt Brown Ale
peed in a truck at the Beer Check
• Boner
carried Thong Butt Not Forgotten's dog while running trail because the dog was too slow. Boner had left the circle, so Turtle Dick volunteered to be the Stunt Boner and drink for him.

• S'Not
and All Lickie No Dickie were wearing the same shorts, but S'Not had his on backwards. Lickie also had bloody socks- proving that wearing shoes is a good idea at a hash.

• Double Header
claimed she was "producing man-sweat" from the high humidity and taxing trail

• Hokie
had tunnel spooge on his head- the tunnel really liked him- or maybe it was his Pink Floyd pants.

• Brew Crew left all the mugs at the beer check and had to go back to get them. All Lickie
No Dickie was stunt brew crew and drank for them.
• Jack Off Lantern
liked the tunnel so much he went back and r*n it a second time.

• Follow the Bleeder had birdsh*t on his head

Analversarians: Sir Spinal Tap has been hashing for 18 years. Wow- that is almost as long as some hashers have been potty trained.

Hashsh*t: It is currently missing in action with Mudflap, who has probably made it into a bong by now.

Naming: Our Beer Bitch Just Linda was the star of this special occasion. She spent significant time in Asia and has a fondness for young Korean men. She attended the U of MD and really likes horses. Suggestions included $5 Suckie Suckie, Toothache, and Drill Me, but the crowd voted for Slurpie.