1065 - April 30, 2006

1064 - April 23, 2006

3rd Annual Earth Day Hash
Start: Lubber Run Park, Arlington, VA
Hares: Lumber JackOff, Ivy Licker, Special Head Kid
Virgins: Just Ryan (who apparently thinks the hash is a Clash
Concert), Just James, Just Suzanne, and Just Kim
Visitors: Manhole Muncher (Santa Cruz H3) & Brewdog (Newcastle H3)
Beer Bitch: Just Tom

Another perfect Sunday for a hash. Everyone got there right on time,
pursuant to an e-mail rant from a few months ago. Everyone, that is,
except the hares, who were still laying trail at 3:30. Eventually we
got to our wonderful rendition of Father Abraham, complete with a
special "Save the Earth" version of "Heave-ho".

Out we went, there were checks, there was shaggy, and man was the
first half long. But apparently, as the hares told me, in keeping
with the theme of "Reuse, Reduce, Recycle" the hares reduced their
effort by reusing and recycling the trail from years past.

We went over shaggy, through neighborhoods, and through a park to a
wonderful beer check. And we rejoiced. And it was good.

After a quick jaunt back on trail the walkers and runners got
confused. Either the walkers have aspirations for greatness, or the
runners have few aspirations. I'm not sure which it is.

Then we had a circle.

Golden Showers taught our virgins and hares how to do a down down.
Apparently, he had been practicing across the pond.

Our virgins drank and our visitors told and showed us some jokes.

Violations:

Golden Showers: Mr. Showers showed up in a cowboy hat, boots, and at
one point he might have had chaps on with no pants underneath. He
apparently thinks the hash is the second coming of Bareback Mountain.

Put it Out and Slipknot for racism. Mind you Slipknot was a full fledged racist in he was still wearing his race number from earlier that day. Let this be a lesson to you- being a racist will get you drunk.

Pond Scrum and the Brew Crew: Apparently Pond Scrum fell asleep during
the parking section of drivers ed. Even after a 14 point turn he
still couldn't get SSBB in her space.

JoJo the lemur: JoJo thinks it's fun to be polyamerous at the hashes.
Apparently he learned something at the Crucible. Normally this would
be acceptable hash behavior, except that he gave Hokie No Pokie a
brown shower.

Rear End Loader: For getting a lap dance the previous evening at the
Full Moon Beauty pageant and complaining about it. Fagnostic will not
stand for this.

Read My Lips and 3 Ring Cervix: For ruining a foil cutter on a screw
top bottle of wine.

Motor Mouth: For giving Just Tom a Bob Costas play by play of Motor
Mouth giving some chick the shocker.

This led to Just Tom's violation for letting Motor Mouth get laid
before himself.

We had some long time no see-ers. Jimmy Hendrix, 3-2-1 Fuck Off, All
the hares, and Wrong Diagnosis.

We also had some harrierettes represent in Boston with the WH4 Cheer.
When they won up in Boston they all wore Sailor Moon outfits, but we
just got them in their nasty running clothes. This didn't stop Piss
in Boots, Are You In, and Double Header for attempting to repeat the cheer for us. Including Piss in Boots forgetting that the cheer is not the same thing as an ultimate cage match.

It was then time to celebrate our second place winner in the Beauty
Pageant from the previous evening. Motor Mouth put on his dress for
us and showed us how a she male stroker really gets his/her groove on.

After all this it was time for the naming. Just Tom had been thrown
back just a few weeks prior, so this time it was time to get some good
dirt on him. We were reminded of when Just Tom was on some
shocker-rific rafting trip with Motor Mouth and he fell in to a fire.
We were also reminded that Just Tom got a hickey on his knob when
hooking up with some chick.

Furthering Just Tom's abilities, he tried to get in on a ménage a
trios (that's threesome to you non French-speakers), and the girls
wouldn't let him in. It was suggested that he tried looking more like
Motor Mouth at the Beauty Pageant, but Just Tom was having none of it.

Then was the story that took the cake. Just Tom got so drunk in a bar
that he went to make a deuce in the bar bathroom. Too drunk to wipe
he used his hands. To drunk to find his way out the door he felt
around all the walls, stall, and everywhere, making little poop
turkeys for all to see.


Henceforth and forever more, throughout the world of hashing Just Tom
is now known as Poop Turkey.

We closed the circle with a beautiful rendition of Swing Low and
headed to the on on on at Bailey's.

1063 - April 16, 2006

The Easter Funny Hash

Hares: Half-Pint, Toothfairy, Rocket Socket, OTIS
Start: West Falls Church Metro
OnOnOn: Bangkok Blues
Virgins: Just Erin
Visitors: Side Show Jesus (Ithaca)
Beer Bitch: Just Levi

[pictures]

The hash is known for its religious slant and so it came as no surprise that on this Easter Sunday, we met up at church to celebrate our one and true faith in beer. (You thought I was going to say Jeebus, didn't you?). No, the church was West Falls Church and we were just there to run and drink.

The hares had to put together a shitty trail which they attempted to liven up with cute tricks like bunny ears on the hares and hidden Easter eggs on the trail. But the ears were made of old underwire bras and the Easter eggs were full of used condoms and maggots.

The trail wasn't as shitty as everyone expected. It had a bit of everything: road, trail, tunnel, woods, fields, 6'8" transvestites dressed as team mascots, etc. At the beer check, Just Levi was named Beer Bitch and there was much rejoicing.

When the pack finally made it on in, Are You In? stepped up to lead the circle. She appears to be the only member of mismanagement that does anything. No, GM, no RA, no scribe. There was a hash flash, but he's always there. I think he sleeps at the next hash start from week to week.

Are You In? welcomed virgin Just Erin who was made to come by Motor Mouth. Yes, that's right, Motor Mouth. Go figure. Maybe he has got game. Side Show Jesus was visiting from Ithaca and the nice weather brought out a hell of a lot of long time no seers. My Cock Shoots Blanks and Target Practice seemed to have gotten lost on the way home from the biergarten. Fire and Ice, Bolo, Bow Chicka Bow Bow, Donald Dick, Douches Wild, Little Red Ride Me Good, Pay Per View, Rear End Loader, Small Wonder, and Watergate were all there as well.

There were some analversaries. Blows a Tranny, I'd Do 'Er, Small Wonder, and Wookin Pa Nub all reached 25 runs and earned a crappy plastic mug that they will promptly cease bringing to the hash or lose and have to ransom only to later find pictures of their mug and Road Whore's penis colluding somewhere on the Internet. But I digress... Snap Crackle Poop also had an analversary, but his was 4x cooler. He earned his 100 run mug.

There were some violations.

• Bronco Buster - confusing a pumpkin with an Easter egg on trail
• French Toasted & Puppy - finding all the actual Easter eggs NOT laid by the hares
• Fiddy Cent - for demonstrating that it is possibly to beat bad genetics
• Bow Chicka Bow Bow - "accidentally" washing his hair in a urinal at work this week
• Bad Dog - lowering property values in Fairfax County by moving his car to the run start

The Hash Shit did not make an appearance.

1062 - April 9, 2006

White House SCUBA HASH #1
They can’t hear you scream under water.

Hares: Put It Out, Hokie No Pokie, S'Not
Start: Fairfax, VA
OnOn: Thursday's Bar and Grill (and Barbershop)
Virgins: Just Ben, Just Levi, and Just In Time for Passover
Visitors: Peter Pan, Scent of a Woman's Hooya
Beer Bitch: Just Jamie

[pictures]

Due to a heinous act of racism and physical fitness our regular scribe, Sucks Cock for Crack, couldn't make it to today's hash. And did he miss a good time. First, I want to point out there were more black guys at the Fairfax City hash than the Congress Heights hash.

I arrived at the hash early (3:10) to find Hokie No Pokie proclaiming, "It's a disaster. The tunnel is flooded." It turns out the tunnel was ALMOST flooded. After introducing some virgins and flipping off some visitors, the long lost GM, Wang Chunks, brought in the hares, Hokie No Pokie, Put It Out and S'Not. Put It Out carefully demonstrated the level of the water in the tunnel on Hokie No Pokie with a piece of chalk. It was approximately nipple height. Then Put It Out carefully demonstrated the height of the tunnel about six inches above his first line. After some calisthenics, the pack headed out with half of the runner's taking the cautionary tales as a glowing advertisement.

I, however, ran the Turkey Trail with quickly dashed aspirations of staying dry and clean. We quickly found ourselves in water up to our knees, but we were rewarded by being the first upon a secluded beer check in the woods. The PBR never tasted so good. Maybe fresh beer in a can that hasn't sat in SSBB for a week made the difference. Who knows? Eventually the walker's joined us and soon after Jack Off Lantern emerged from another tunnel drenched, filthy and excited. Deep dark tunnels have that effect on the man.

During the interlude I collected some worthy violations including Winn Dick Me for having Poison Ivy on her neck and thighs. It possible that I made the thigh location up, but I cannot reveal my sources. Later I overheard SALSA and Winn Dick Me saying, "...suddenly it got big round and black." Editor's Note: During circle PVT Snowball and Motor Mouth both volunteered to demonstrate what this might mean. Then I discovered that Bad Ditch is fortunately a spitter. At least when she drinks tunnel water. I can't speak for any other biohazards.

After designating, Just Jamie, the Beer Bitch and singing her the traditional Beer Bitch song, the hares headed out. Shortly thereafter the pack ran in the wrong direction and quickly found ourselves without trail. Then we hear Obestiologis (The T is Silent) yell ONON! So about twelve of us including me and two virgins, Just Ben and Just Levi , followed him up the embankment. I have no idea where the trail actually went although I suspect it went UNDER 50. So the twelve pack quickly discovered that Obesiologis (The T is Silent) was not actually on trail. He was ON Two Lips and Boner. It was then that I realized just how screwed we were. So our choices were either Frogger (Advanced Level) or turning back. The virgins tried to turn back but us experienced hasher's warned them against it and that they should take on cars at 65 miles an hour rather than turn back. A hasher never turns back. Fortunately we made it across the road and were able to determine the direction of the end and ran along 50 as traffic whizzed by us. We turned up Waple's Mill Rd looking for trail and found Put It Out instead.

The end was on a grassy knoll behind the KMart. Boner started serving oysters from a cooler and the Brew Crew served some beer and snacks. Titly Winks found herself a very nice mound and circled us up around it. I liked her mound.

She brought out the hares and made sure the virgins were watching. She made sure they understood the process by having And How's Her Bush demonstrate one more time. Penis Gallery might have won this round, but the war is not over my friends.

Next visitor's, Peter Pan and Scent of a Woman's Hooya, were again flipped off. We kicked PVT Snowball out of the visitor line up explaining that although the hash was outside the beltway, he wasn't actually visiting from Everyday is Wednesday.

Then we had a two rounds of scribe violations where I got to stand on Titley’s mound. Have I mentioned that it was a lovely mound? Where was I? Oh yes, violations. Just Linda and Her She Kisses for asking Pussy in a Haystack sex advice. Fire in the Cornhole complained that Sideshow Boobs will eat an oyster but she won't swallow his load. Two Lips and Up Her Alley scouted the tunnel in question last year for a trail in this area and decided it was "too sketchy." Stop the Erection for dressing himself. You had to be there, but it came in handy for visibility as we leap-frogged across 50. Visiting GM, Wang Chunks for going to Florida and returning looking like white trash. It was pointed out later by Two Lips that he looked like white trash before he left.

Next the crowd had a few but very worthy violations. 3 Ring Cervix violated PVT Snowball for getting the role of Oberon, King of Fairies, in A Midsummer's Night Dream. And Snap Crackle Poop violated Read My Lips for carefully carrying Senor Doucheberg's new puppy and chick magnet thru the tunnel and then tripping and dropping her at the end into the muddy creek.

I would like to point out that Boner kept talking about the Echoing Vagina. I finally had to point out that he is Asian and it might be the size of the hot dog, not the hallway.

We said farewell to Heave Ho who is leaving us for Boston and Two Lips who is headed to Iraq after he commits his final act of racism in a little race called the Boston Marathon. Anyone who had been to Iraq was called out to have a beer. Poodle Fuck was also called out because he has been to Iran and we decided that was close enough.

LONG TIME NO SEERS

This list was long and tedious just like drunken sex.

AWARDS, I mean ANALVERSARIES
Read My Lips – 50
Takes It Up the Eh - 25 Run Mug Club

ON AFTER

Motor Mouth, Just William and PVT Snowball had a Who's Blacker contest. Motor Mouth won but skin color was the only criteria. My request for a dance off was quickly denied.

Well that does it. Thanks to everyone for being complete idiots. This was the easiest trash I have ever had to write. Now back to your regularly scheduled scribe. See you wankers next week at West Falls Church.

ONON

Are You In?

1061 - April 2, 2006

The Oreo Hash

Hares: Can't Fuck Dust, Jackoff Lantern, I Dream of Weenie, Yellow Submarine
Start: Congress Heights Metro
OnOnOn: Georgena's
Virgins: Just Kristen, Just John
Visitors: Fuddmucker (Dayton), Studless (Dayton), Good Lay (Columbus)

[pictures]

This week, WH4 did its part for urban gentrification. We put the "white" in "What the hell all you white folks doing here?!" Before the hash even started, the four hares were each individually stopped by separate police units, not because they were dropping a suspicious powder (which they were), but because the locals had called the police out of concern for the safety of the white people who must have clearly been lost (which they were not). Why else would they be running around this part of Southeast DC on a Sunday afternoon in running clothes?

The pack circled up at the metro station (why not? no one else was using it) in the shadow of St. Elizabeth's (behind those nice, secure looking fences). The ice cream man was taunting with his siren song playing just beyond the station. Jackoff Lantern attempted to drown the music out with a song, but came out with a toast instead. Toasts work better when you have something to drink. Better luck next time.

There were virgins and visitors and they were either very brave or very misinformed. Despite the fantastic weather, a number of regular WH4 hashers chose to sit this one out, citing "safety concerns." Did the Germans worry about safety when they bombed Pearl Harbor? No! Did Michael Jackson worry about safety when he walked on the moon? No! Did we worry about safety before we ran this trail? Well, maybe a little bit.

The hares briefed the pack. Flour was orange. Tetanus shots were highly recommended. If you don't have a current one, they will provide a shot for you on trail. The hares had everyone write down the number for 911 and then the pack was away.

We ran out of the metro and into a Jewish cemetery of all things. Sucks Cock for Crack was seen running around muttering prayers in Hebrew. Brown Out chose to honor the dead in another way. By anointing a mausoleum. Nice touch. Once out of the cemetery, we ran around a construction site and found a check near a school. The hares had thoughtfully marked the check in case another hash came through before the next rain. Good thinking, but pretty unlikely. If anyone ever DID hash here again, they would see that WH3 hashed here at some time in the recent past. WH3, not WH4. Evil Jesus never even saw the check, he was busy contracting tetanus through his testicles while stuck on a fence top.

The trail ran through some apartments where we did a little youth recruiting. The kids stuck around until we turned a corner and ran into a street w/ a cop parked on it. At first we thought he was there to watch our route and protect us. No, he was there because someone knocked out all the windows in some poor lady's car. This was of interest for only a minute or two and then Semen on the Pew changed the subject when he ran into the ONLY PIECE of trash in the middle of the street. Now, mind you, there was trash everywhere. But on this particular street, just one piece. And he hit it.

Newly-married Microsoft was out for the day. Alone. It turns out Green Piece of Ass needed some alone time and went for Yoga instead. Do they serve beer after Yoga? Roadkill also came out to the hash. Well, he was out, but it wasn't clear if he was hashing. It seemed more like business. He spent most of the time on the phone. AND 43 PEOPLE TOLD ME ABOUT IT. Thanks. Where are you all on the days when I don't get any violations?

We continued on across some main street where traffic slowed to stare at us. Then we ran up a hill and the kids across the street told us the trail ran up the stairs. So we ran up the stairs. To nowhere. There was a 30 ft drop on the other side. So we climbed back down and ran around and found out the trail came back out on the same street a few feet away. And there were cops there. This time it was pretty clear they were actually there for us. Thanks boys! I don't think we've had police support like this since that Red Dress a few years back (DC Red Dress Run is October 7, 2006).

After the stairs, we ran through some woods and out onto a field overlooking the city. As advertised (in the back of the Washington Times), it was one of the best views of the city. Plenty of opportunities for picking out real estate. From there it was a short jaunt in to the beer check which appeared to be at some secret government facility protected by throngs of children playing basketball. Very tricky, Uncle Sam, very tricky.

At the beer check, Blows a Tranny showed off suspiciously fence-shaped bruises on his face from from EWH3 on Thursday.

On the third half of the trail, things got more interesting. The locals seemed to take a keener interest in us. Some ran along for a good while but turned back when we kept hearing helicopters overhead. The trail ended behind an abandoned apartment building a few blocks from the metro. Most of us stopped when we saw the familiar big blue van. Evil Jesus kept going. He saw Hokie No Pokie stop and asked "Do you have flour?" "No, I have beer van," Hokie replied.

We circled up quick as the locals started sounding out scout vehicles to locate our positions. RA Titly Winks called in the hares and then had Motor Mouth demonstrate proper down-down technique for the virgins. Good Lay brought Just Kristen and Just Tom brought his brother Just John. We would later try (and fail miserably) to name Just Tom. Ooops.

There were some visitors. Good Lay was in from Columbus, Studless from Roy Rogers, and Fuddmucker who is transplanting from Dayton. We violated a bunch of racists for the Cherry Popper this morning. This included Richie Cum-in-hand who claimed he would wear a race shirt from now on if it meant more beer.

There were some violations:

• Hokie No Pokie for not providing a tetanus shot warning in the hareline
• Brew Crew for nearly causing an accident when they had to pull over for a fire truck and the car next to them hit the curb and scratched his rims.
• Motor Mouth for being sound loud when offering the previous violation that he echoed off the building.
• Please Step Away from the Whores for trying to violate Happy On His Knees for wearing a Chinese lantern he found in the woods. Unfortunately, he thought Happy (who WAS wearing the lantern) was French Toasted (who was not wearing the lantern). It's all cleared up now.

Then we recognized a few regulars. Bad Ditch was awarded her 200 run mug and Shamrock Your Cock earned her 25 run mug. They drank some beer and then we moved on to a naming.

Except that we didn't name anyone. We brought out Just Tom since he's been with us a while and his good buddies, Just John and Motor Mouth, were here. We got some decent dirt. He works at the FCC doing telecom policy (boring). He likes sex in the missionary position (boring). His favorite animal is the horse (boring). His shorts were definitely not boring, but sort of blinding. He also appeared to be wearing new shoes. None of this helped with trying to name him.

Then Motor Mouth brought out some stories. We learned that Just Tom once fell into a fire when camping on a rafting trip and didn't realize it until the next morning. He's also apparently a great wingman and can talk to a woman about anything, he just fails to seal the deal himself. Don't feel too sorry for him. Apparently he did seal the deal once. He was at a picnic with a girlfriend and they ran into the bathhouse and he thought it would be great to get a blowjob in the toilet stall (from her, he claims). They entered the stall and found the door latch was broken so he leaned against the door and she went down on him. That worked great until some kid showed up and thought his brother was in the stall and started trying to kick the door in. The girlfriend managed to keep her teeth, but Just Tom got some interesting patterns on his dick.

Great stories, but that's as far as we got. Yellow Submarine suggested a name of Poop Turkey for unknown personal reasons. It didn't stick. So we threw Just Tom back. Keep thinking, boys and girls.

We closed circle with a rendition of Swing Low and headed back to the metro and the on on on. As we approached the metro, a number of us saw someone had been pulled over by not one, not two, but three cop cars. Our pulses quickened. Had someone been irresponsible in their drinking and tried to drive? No, it turns out it was Spinal Tap who was playing chicken with Test Tube Baby in the crosswalk and was witnessed by a cop. Let that be a lesson to you.