1060 - March 26, 2006

Hares: Are You In?, Read My Lips, Backdoor Buckaroo, Her She Kisses
Start: Dolly Madison Public Library; McLean, VA
OnOnOn: "Pub"
Virgins: Just Trevor, Just Whitney, Just Angie, Just Laura
Visitors: None today.
Beer Bitch: Just William

"It's official. This is a real hash. I'm injured and bleeding." -- Hokie No Pokie

It's been a while since we've lowered the property values in McLean and today was not a good day to own real estate in the area. We started in the front parking lot of the Dolly Madison Public Library in plain sight of the entire community. Before we even got started, Read My Lips had commented that the neighbors were so friendly as to offer her a ride despite her disheveled appearance after prelaying the trail.

Pond Scrum, who is still not drinking despite our best efforts, showed off his new dog Just Sherman. Sherman is currently about 3 pounds and will max out at about 20. He's about as big as one of Just Murphy's shits but acts like he can take her. While we were distracted singing Father Abraham, Just Sherman left us a little present to step in with our left or right foot.

A pony was led through the parking lot and with that we knew it was time for us to get moving. We meandered through some nice public parks, pissed off a few parents, sloshed through some tunnels and found a shot check in the middle of a tunnel. We went staggering out of there and wound up finding a true trail mark back to the start, skipping the beer check. Thankfully the hares were around to help us get back on track and get back onto the real trail.

A lot of people were zenning and missed the second shot check, but we all found the nasty tunnel that the hares had apparently spent some time cleaning out with a trowel and a garden hoe earlier in the day. Soon after that we found the beer check and began drinking in what appeared to be a very large vagina. It was shaped like one, had a hole in the middle and was surrounded by bushes. And it took quite a bit of beer for the male hashers to get their faces close to it.

After drinking a few beers, it was time for us to pull out early and jet. Strange Ground Chuck was clearly stunned by being so close to a vagina that he ran full throttle into a tree. Apparently MENSA doesn't test for that.

After sloshing through a few more creeks we came back onto the trail we had found earlier and we were in. With most of mismanagement up in New York City, WoWo ran the circle, we mentioned the few violations from above, sang Swing Low and left McLean, McDirty and McDrunk.

1059 - March 19, 2006

Hares: Bad Ditch, MFC, Duck Duck Bush, DasKunt, WoWo
Start: Clarendon Square; Arlington, VA
OnOnOn: Molly Malone’s
Virgins: Just William and Just Short Red-Headed Girl
Visitors: Who’s to say?
Beer Bitch: The helpful person with the beer

Well, I guess it’s true, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

The crowd gathered at Clarendon at the appointed time, due to the fact that this was a pseudo-live hare, I don’t have a lot to say about the start. There was the general milling about that one encounters at the start of any hash. Evil Jesus was seen in the crowd, as well as a handful of hashers that are seen on sunny days in Arlington. The sun was bright, but a chilly wind was blowing.

At the appointed time “hares away” was called and Bad Ditch, DasKunt, and I (WoWo were off in a puff of blue/red flour. MFC and DDB would lead the walkers after the pack was called OnOut. Now because I was out laying trail, and due to the fact that I didn’t have anything to write this down on, and it’s two/three beer sodden weeks later, all I really remember is that the pack came into the Beer Check in Poodle Fuck’s back yard talking about how this was the best trail of the year, ‘nuf said.

The pack eventually left the BC, had a Shot Check on the front porch of the very lovely JingleJ, and finished up in the back yard of The Legion.

Wang led a fun circle featuring several “lost controls” and a big box of chalk for Put it Out.

Circle ended and a large contingent headed to Molly Malone’s to eat like Irishmen and do Car-Bombs like college kids bellying up to a bar for the first time. {Insert your favorite deity here} save us.

WoWo

1058 - March 12, 2006

A Farewell to Marms
Hares: Can't Find Pussy In a Haystack, Fagnostic, Richie-Cum-In-Hand, 3rd Base Cootch
Start: Silver Spring Metro Station
OnOnOn: Galaxy Billiards
Virgins: Just Dan, Just Jeff
Visitors: Furry Taco, Ding-Dong
Beer Bitch: Just Fran

[pictures]

With GM Wang Chunks out of town on "bidness" (watching the Red Sox in spring training), lowly harerazor Hokie No Pokie saw an opportunity to step in and try to usurp power. You want it? You got it. My guess is that Wang saw the opportunity to flee and took it. Has anyone seen him yet?

The pack circled up near Silver Spring Metro and got to listen to Hokie and the hares on the details of the day's trail. These were diligent hares. They chose to mark the trail in not one, but two colors (orange AND blue) of flour. They blamed it on DCH4 having a trail there the previous day, but we know the truth about these overachieving, masochist bastards.

The first half of trail led us out of the nicely re-developed center of Silver Spring and on into a residential area. We hit a ball field where some young girls were playing soccer. The trail rounded the field, but Put It Out, using his pedo-sense, figured it made more sense to cut across the field and through the young girls playing the game. Someone check the old man's eyes. Yes, there was grass on the field, but they were clearly too young for him to play with.

Surprisingly, Dumb Blonde was able to observe PIO's gratuitous shortcutting through the massive shiner adorning his right eye. He tells us he now knows the correct answer to "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?". Way to go Transparent D's!

After disrupting the soccer game, the trail ran on down a hill and into a creekbed park. Over the river and through the woods, to the BC we went. It was just like that song about Grandma's house, but without the dildos and ballgags.

Just Fran had the opportunity to fulfill his weekslong dream when he became beer bitch today at the BC. Many of you will remember Just Fran from last week. He is the one who fell in the creek(s) last week at Grosvenor. Somewhere between two hours after that trail and seven days later at this one, he managed to get the rest of the mud off of his face.

At the BC, my various confidential informants outed their closest friends and acquaintenances. Double Header had apparently been making out with a leper colony (a full week before St. Patricks Day!) and it turned her neck green. Put It Out asked Hokie No Pokie about the slightly used sex toy he mentioned in this week's hareline announcement. Hokie, ever so slightly confusing the slightly used sex toy with the well-used (we hope) girlfriend, replied that Are You In? was in New Mexico visiting family.

Pseudo-virgin Just Jeff outed himself by explaining that this wasn't actually his virgin hash. Apparently he first came to the FMH3 brewfest a few weeks earlier at the suggestion of his friend Just Allan. So Just Jeff showed up and Just Allen stood him up. Just Jeff was understandably annoyed by this behavior and suggested that we punish Just Alan by making him give Just Jeff a piggy-back ride for the rest of trail. Ummm, right. Hey, maybe you two should check out the DC "Men's" Hash. They run on Saturdays.

We spent a good bit of time at the BC. Spinal Tap had long enough to weave himself a wreath of evergreen boughs. I don't know what practical purpose these sorts of skills have, but Hasher Humper still keeps the old guy around.

After the BC, the pack ran across the street and up the hill IN CLEARLY THE WRONG DIRECTION. Or, at least, so thought your scribe who went in an apparently different wrong direction and learned once again that sometimes shortcuts are not "short". But the walker's trail usually is, so I found my way back to the OnIn in some parking garage. As the hash koan says, if something happens on the second half of trail and the scribe wasn't there to see it, did it really happen? The answer is "yes" because I have spies everywhere.

The pack took a few minutes to feast on the most excellent snacks and beer served by our snack bitch and brew crew. Then Tit-lyWinks circled everyone up. She brought in the hares and Put It Out led everyone in a round of "The LolliPop Guild" from "The Wizard of Oz" to celebrate the little people (presumably leprechauns) who left all the tiny check marks on trail.

The Virgins stepped in and we had a second opportunity to meet Just Dan and Just Jeff. Just Dan, who earlier took five minutes to decide that "God" made him come, now decided that he made himself come. Does this mean that Just Dan=God? Ladies? We have a theological question that demands research. Pseudo-virgin Just Jeff was no long special now that we know he gave his cherry to FMH3. And he never did get that piggyback ride from Just Alyn.

Our Visitors came in to collect their schwag from Tit-ly Winks. Ding-Dong was transplanting from Maputo, Mozambique, but actually he's Irish. Furry Taco was in town from Atlanta.

There some additional violations called out in circle.

• Fagnostic for an over-abundance of wicking material. He was so good at pulling moisture and wetness from crevices that he could have served as a tampon.
• Slip Knot couldn't resist the urge to show up wearing yet another racing shirt and also finally got violated for flipping off the RA from the week before.
• Snap, Crackle, Poop hit a post while on the walker's trail and then managed to pull his nuts up just high enough to avoid the fire hydrant he straddled next.
• Bad Dog, still wielding the MVH3 Hash Shit, came into the circle to call out someone else and ended up getting busted for stuffing a week's supply of Slim Jim's into his sock. Is that to make the Slim Jim's taste better or make your feet smell better?

Finally we had the Hash Shit award.

• Bad Dog was nominated for carrying around his sock full of meat.
• Hokie No Pokie was nominated for confusing his girlfriend with a slightly used sex toy (easy mistake)
• Snap, Crackle, Poop for something involving a pearl necklace
• But, in a surprise victory, Put It Out reclaimed the hash shit after losing it just two weeks ago. It seems Put It Out really does have a thing for little girls. When he found the creek on the second half of trail, he didn't want to get his shoes wet and struck a deal with I'Doer to carry him across and keep his feet dry. And she did it! (A demonstration was requested and provided to ensure the accuracy of these statements.)

1057 - March 5, 2006

Cinco de marzo
Hares: Hokie No Pokie, Put It Out, Roll Over Bitch, Are You In?
Start: Grosvenor/Strathmore Metro Station
OnOnOn: Hank Dietle's "Tavern"
Virgins: Just Sara, Just Nicole, Just Erin, Just Tony
Visitors: Ghost Rider, Cabin Boy, Cuntless
Beer Bitch: Just Hannah

[pictures]

This week, the hare razor found out what happens when he can't fill in a date on the hareline. Hokie No Pokie, demonstrating his inability to perform even the simplest task in mismanagement, screwed up in hare recruiting and had to lay the trail himself. (Editor's note: Are You In? says Hokie can perform other simple tasks well. She gave a few examples of the limited range of successful Hokie performance modes: "lick here," "rub there," "thrust here.") Hokie had help, sort of. Put It Out, Roll Over Bitch and Are You In? co-hared. Rather, they carried flour along the route Hokie designated and went to great lengths to distance themselves from any responsibility for the actual trail. This was to their great detriment since it turned out to be a great trail. (Editor's note: It's early in the year yet. the bar is still low.)

We all met up at the Grosvenor Metro Station on the Red Line. (Editor's note: For those of you who don't know, it's pronounced "Grow-Vner" and rhymes with "Boner" or "Moaner." If you pronounce it differently, it just makes you look like an ass and sound like you're from Virginia.) It was immediately apparent to your scribe that it was going to be a good hash. The sun was shining, the weather was warm, I found someone's Little Black Book in the parking lot on my way in (complete w/ phone numbers), and I already had 5 violations before the trail started.

Hare Roll Over Bitch showed up solo for the first time in a while. This was pretty obvious from the way he dressed himself. 2 Sheep to Fuck wasn't dressed much better. He must have gotten the last few items off the rack at the Goodwill. Your scribe had plenty of time to notice these things because GM Wang Chunks took forever to start the opening circle. At first, I thought he was just waiting for Follow the Bleeder to arrive on the metro, but it later turned out Wang Chunks was just learning about anal tampons from Ghost Rider and his friend. Wang is an expert now. Go ahead and ask if you're wondering.

When Wang overcame is fascination with things-you-can-put-in-your-ass, he started the opening circle and the pack huddled up to hear about trail and virgin sacrifices. We had Just Sara, who learned how to come from her friend in Rwanda; Just Tony, Wang Chunks' cousin (Editor's note: I'm told it's NOT the kissing variety, but who knows?); and then visitor Cabin Boy showed that he knows how to make friends at a hash. He brought TWO virgins: Just Nicole and Just Erin. Speaking of visitors, there was Cabin Boy from Palau, Ghost Rider from Okinawa, and Cuntless who is transplanting from Mid-Georgia.

The hares stepped in to tell us about the trail and then the pack was away. We ran out of the parking lot, through the adjoining apartment complex and on into Rock Creek Park where we encountered some kind of natural obstacle course that tripped up hasher and dog alike. Maisy acted more cat than dog, falling off a downed tree, but landing on her feet. The trail found Rock Creek and the pack got lost. Some brave souls knew what was ahead of them and crossed the creek, checking for trail. The rest of us pantywaists waited hopefully on the dry side. No luck. The trail went over and so did we. Hare Put It Out feeling guilty or horny, volunteered to carry a couple of harriettes across. I don't think that little act of chivalry got anyone except Put It Out wet.

Once on the other side we found the trail and ran along until we hit yet another creek crossing. This one had some flotsam (or maybe jetsam) that made it possible to cross without jumping into the river. Stop the Erection I Want To Get Off was the first one to discover the crossing. While quick to realize he could cross there, he was slow to do so. Sucks Cock for Crack yelled from the back "Somebody push the slow guy out of the way" and then the slow guy got out of the way. Right into the creek. But, no, he didn't fall into the "clean" side downstream from the logjam. He fell into the dirty side upstream. The one that looked like the Montgomery County Recycling Center. Two Lips in the Bush decided he'd rather not risk falling into the muck, he'd just wade across the creek on the "clean" side. That worked until he found himself standing nipple-deep in freezing water squealing like a little girl. So much for being an Ironman.

After the Stream Crossing of Doom, the trail went on into a tunnel. We ran through the tunnel. We ran through the tunnel. We ran through the tunnel. (It was long. And dark.). On the other side, we found ourselves in a creek. The trail led up the creek, out of the creek, back into the creek, etc. There were various slippery, tetanusy, stinky obstacles along the way. Put It Out, the reluctant hare, carefully marked each safety violation as either "Hokie's Idea." So much for teamwork.

Those who braved the obstacles and the next tunnel were rewarded with a hot cider shot check IN the tunnel. Kudos to the hares. Drink up lads and lasses, there is more to come. At the exit to the tunnel, Put It Out helpfully noted that the concrete was "slipy." What he should have written, if he could spell, was "stinky." Because it was. And many of us got to experience it first-hand. Cuntless got a good close up look at his new hash territory when he fell in up to his armpits. I hope that sweatshirt around his waist was not considered his warm, dry clothes for the end.

The BC provided welcome relief to those of us on the sloggers trail. The walkers got there a bit early and For Sale Or Rent, who gave up beer for lent but not sex, was seen taking turns in the woods with several hashers. RA Titly Winks may have been having similar desires. She complained loudly that this was the second time she had run a trail in this area and had trouble keeping her pants up (or on, whichever). Virgin Just Nicole was so excited to see the BC that she ran right in and kicked over a full pitcher. Bad form on her first time out. Also bad? Flipping off the RA. Slip Knot risked life and limb giving Titly Winks the Bird while wearing a m*r*thon shirt and yet didn't end up drinking for it. I'm not sure if that makes him lucky or unlucky.

Just Hannah was made our Beer Bitch, the first legitimate one in this Scribe's recent memory. Now that we have Virgins and unnamed hashers returning, Spring must be just around the corner. By the way, Titly Winks asked and Just Hannah likes Purple Penises. I'm not sure how to put that information to good (or any) use. After the Beer Bitch celebration, Cockulust and 2 Sheep to Fuck wandered in to the BC together. They apparently cooperated to be DFL (Done Fucking Late). As the BC wrapped up, Are You In? became puzzled by Sucks Cock for Crack's headlamp and confused it for a virbrator. SCFC corrected her, but was happy to demonstrate that it could still serve a similar purpose. Hokie No Pokie didn't notice this exchange. He was busy trying to blow his whistle to send the pack out on the second half of trail. He couldn't and remarked, "I think I need remedial whistle training. I don't know how to blow."

The second half of trail... went somewhere. The Scribe went directly to the end. That shortcutting bastard used to live here and knew where he was going. So he went and dragged Wang Chunks and Imaginary Girlfriend with him. We thought that got us in ahead of the pack until we saw them waving at us from atop the parking garage. Oh, wait, no. That's Obestiolojizz (the T is silent) who returned early from a ski trip and headed right to the OnIn with his friends Bud and Light. Good man.

At the circle, Virgin Just Tony was so excited he had to run away and water the concrete so he wouldn't wet himself. Your first hash is fun, but not THAT fun. The rest of the Virgins comported themselves more appropriately. The females were greeted by a stunning performance from the Penis Gallery. The lone male was, well, greeted. It took the Vagina Gallery two attempts for a mediocre showing. Better luck next time. The Visitors came in for yet another greeting and Ghost Rider tried to win brownie points by handing out gifts including shirts for the GM & RA and cum rags for the Virgins. Too bad he didn't coordinate his brownie point efforts with Her She Kisses who was offering Girl Scout Cookie pickup after the hash.

There were some additional violations in circle:

• Bad Dog who shows up at every hash, every week, has some how been in possession of the MVH3 Hash Shit for 3 months. How is this possible?
• Just Fran took a dive in the creek and was still wearing mud on his face 2 hours later during circle.
• The Hares received numerous violations for the shitty trail, stinky trail, poor spelling, and lousy teamwork. Please do it again soon.
• Rear Area Security for leading a majority of the pack astray when he hit the creek and, remembering the last trail in this area, told everyone he was sure it went left. It didn't. So much for traditions.
• Please Step Away from the Whores for inserting images of For Sale or Rent and Snap Crackle Poop having sex into the collective conscience of the hash. Thanks.

Put It Out managed to bring the Hash Shit back with appropriate, if weak, modifications. He won it several weeks ago for "accidentally" throwing a full beer Mother's Lay. So he added a dismembered Barbie Doll to the Hash Shit. Go figure.

After a bit of thinking and a verse of our new favorite song, "Got It Up, Got It In, Got It Out" there were some new nominations.

• Stop the Erection I Want To Get Off for his unscheduled visit to the Montgomery County Recycling Center
• Rear Area Security for telling everyone the trail went left
• Hokie No Pokie for being nostalgic for something or other
• Just Meg for something else
• Please Step Away from the Whores for making us all think of For Sale Or Rent having sex

And we have a winner! PSA took the prize and downed the beer.

Lest we forget, today was a very special occasion. Just Meg was to be named. Now, for those of you that don't know, Just Meg is not new to hashing. Her father is the RA of the Buffalo hash. He comes down to DC once a year to run in our Red Dress Run. And on that one day a year, Just Meg comes out to hash with us. However, tonight when Titly Winks asks who made her come, Just Meg points at Two Lips in the Bush and says "I'm fucking that guy." Well good for her. I can't believe it took this long and THAT guy to get her out to the hash regularly.

Can't Fuck Dust volunteers a story about Just Meg. It turns out she had her first orgasm when she was 7 (SEVEN!). She as sitting on the hardwood floor in her family room, watching Magnum PI, and kind of bouncing around when all of sudden... BAM! This prompted a few reasonable nominations such as Muff Buffer, Magnum Orgasm, and Planks for the Ride. Not bad, but Titly Winks decides to dig deeper and asks "Other than fucking Two Lips, what's your most embarassing sexual experience?" And, boy, does Just Meg have a story (Editors note: come to think of it, though, she wasn't really all that embarassed). It turns out that a few years ago, Just Meg was up in Boston partying. She and her friend met a couple of baseball players from Canadia. They all go back to their room and... And then there were some nominations. Really good ones. We heard Double Header, Sharon Peters, Four Balls Take Your Base, and Base On Balls. All were good, but the crowd had a favorite. Henceforth and forever more in the White House Hash House Harriers, Just Meg will be known as Double Header.

Udder, I'll let you ask your daughter how she got it.