1056 - February 26, 2006

Hares: Sucks Cock for Crack (In absentia), Prophogalactic, Cocktoberfest
Start: Little Falls Mall, MD
OnOnOn: China Pavillion
Virgins: Just Fran, Just Alexis
Visitors: Ibo Ibo
Beer Bitch: Just Oscar
Brew Crew: Duck Duck Bush, Knee Deep Pussy High

Not that any hash is exactly "normal", but this one was interesting. Let's start with Sucks Cock for Crack who helped lay trail in the morning and then caught a flight to Utah leaving his co-hares, Prophogalactic and Cocktoberfest, to fend for themselves. Then even stranger Hokie was in charge. That's right Hokie was GM while Wang Chunks is out of town. Suprisingly, the hash did not implode or even hurt itself. Plus, it was so cold the scribe had two pens die during the trail.

While the hash waited for the trail to start we were standing around admiring Butt F*cking Time's lovely pants that had a row of rhinestones that looked like she had put on with her Beadazaler. We also heard Follow the Bleeder remark that he was "f*cked by the rainbow" last night. At a party the night before HerShe Kisses set up a lovely lineup of jello shots in a whole rainbow of colors and Bleeder was the only one that took her challenge. He lost and apparently missed his stop on the Metro and ended up at the end of the line. Rainbows will do that to you.

We had two virgins though only one of them made it to the opening circle. Just Fran had hashed with DCH3 the day before and decided to keep going on a hash streak. Back Snatch brought his younger sister, Just Alexis, to the hash, but to try and keep the hashers away from her, he and Hail Mary Full Jizz showed up late to the hash.

We had one "visitor", Ibo Ibo, who has hashed with us before and is currently hashing with Dirt Road. If you're wondering what the hell his name means well hold on until we get to the violations.

The trail was marked in blue anthrax and immediately headed down into a parking garage. The hares were nice enough to take us right through a big puddle of grease too so that we could slip and slide through the garage. Semen on the Pew discovered a detour that took us down along a drainage ditch to a bike path. After nearly getting run over by multiple bikers the pack figured out which way trail went after a big back check. Parts of the pack were up on true trail while the lazy (smart) wankers waited for the pack to come back down. The pack ran through a cool vaulted tunnel. The pack started getting really sick of running down the bike path and seeing all of these great trails we could be running on instead. The hares helped us with that. After a big f*ck you loop which WOWO had a few comments about we ended up retracing our steps except this time running on the cool trails near the bike path. Oh well.

Two Lips almost killed Monday Sticky Monday trying to short cut part of this loop. He and Monday apparently spotted SSBB and 2Lips pointed out that it was really close. All they had to do was climb down this cliff. Monday made 2Lips go first and he skidded down on his butt and almost took a huge chunk of concrete down with him. Monday came running down after him. They survived but not for lack of trying. The rest of the pack in slightly better shape then those two stumbled into the beer check a little bit later.

Just Oscar was elected Beer Bitch and Bleeder sang him a song. Tit-ly sent the walkers on out of the beer check "early" and then the runners were on out about 30 seconds later. This lead to the embarrassing situation of the walkers almost catching the runners at the first check. The pack ran all over a neighborhood terrorizing residents and visitors alike (actually this didn't happen, it was too frigging cold and none of the residents or visitors were even outside). The pack finally descended back into shiggy though it was a chinese variety with bamboo everywhere. We finally found a creek and a true trail up into a tunnel. When I say "up", I mean this tunnel was nearly vertical. Plus it was made of brick and large holes were missing where the bricks had been swept out in rainstorms similar to the one during Wang Chunks trail last summer. Plus, it had water in it and a variety of pipes. One of the more interesting tunnels we've been through. There was no running through this sucker because as Back Snatch found out there were also head hazards to avoid. Hokie, suprisingly, made it through without injury. In fact, shortly after the tunnel he was even seen jumping gracefully from rock to rock in a streambed without falling. There was a bit more trail after this and then we popped up on a road right next to the beginning and SSBB was spotted once more.

Back Snatch was patched up using the Hokie repair kit. After digging past the ball gags, handcuffs, dog collars, and RUN?s butt plug from the Holiday Party, band aids and alcohol were found for Back Snatch. Tit-ly got the circle started pretty quickly so that we weren't all frozen. After getting the hares to demonstrate the proper down-down technique to the virgins, we got down to business and it was amusing and it was good and I didn't write any of it down.
So why don't we just move on to violations:
Semen on the Pew was commended for wearing pants instead of his usual short shorts.
The hares were also commended for keeping trail near Sibley Hospital just in case Hokie injured himself again.
Tit-ly was brought in for being overheard saying at the beer check, "Why don't people remind me I have things to do."
Two Lips was called in for having a lot of dirt all over the rear of his pants and looking like he'd had an "accident".
Turbo, Just Turbo, Nothing Else, was called in for dressing up her dog in her clothes and for looking like she was wearing her dog during the circle.
Obeastiologis or The T is Silent or Obeseologist, whatever he's called pulled a Hokie trying to climb over some bamboo.
Back Snatch rearranged his forehead in the last tunnel on some large piece of concrete dangling down into the tunnel.
The Beer Bitch Just Oscar was called out for being too modest and covering his lovely apron with his jacket. I was told you could still see his junk from under the jacket though. I was trying not to look.
RUN? was heard saying that she could have used a speculum in that last tunnel.
Ibo Ibo told Bow Chicka Bow Bow instead of some harriette that his name means "a french tickler" in Japanese.
At the same party that broke Bleeder the night before there happened to be a stripper pole in the basement. Just Meg looked at the pole and kind of looked confused and walked demurely up to it. Then went into what looked like a well practiced routine. 2Lips asked her where she learned to do that and she said, "Wouldn't you like to know?" So she was violated for all that.
Tri-Ass-A-Thong was violated for something but my second pen was dying at this point.
HerShe Kisses was called out for changing into hardly any clothes with shoes that the Wicked Witch of the East would have been jealous of.

The circle ended quickly after that and everyone headed to the bar where it was nice and warm.

OnOn, Big Bang

1055 - February 19, 2006

The Tit & Snatch Hash

Hares: Snatch Shot, Tit-ly Winks, Runway Snatch, Tit-ka-boob
Start: Capitol South Metro Station
OnOnOn: Hawk and Dove
Virgins: Just Andrew, Just Lindsey, Just Hannah
Visitors: Just Camelia, Just Dave
Beer Bitch: Just Tom

Is it any surprise that the day of a hash called the "Tit & Snatch Hash" is colder than a witch's tit? Probably not. The trail was live, the walkers' hare was brain-dead. After some brief introductions, Runway Snatch attempted to tell the pack a little bit about the trail. However, even with map in hand, it appeared that she didn't know all that much about either the trail or hash traditions. GM Wang Chunks stepped in to suggest that there was probably one beer check, circles were checks and X's were bad trails. Additional asssitance was required to get things going with Father Abraham.

The pack took off east toward Eastern Market and then cut across Pennsylvania Ave, heading north for parts unknown. We zigged. We zagged. We ran into an alley and found a van! With beer in it! Tit-ly Winks anointed Just Tom as our first legitimate Beer Bitch in weeks. At the BC, Gonorrhea in 60 Seconds was overheard telling his virgin, Just Lindsey, that she better slow down on the second half because he "couldn't keep up with her fast ass." I'm guessing it has something to do with chafing.

From the BC, the pack headed home. Sort of. The trail took off in a direction that was not back toward the start or the bar and the pack dutifully followed. For a bit. After some meandering and guessing, we got back on trail and eventually found our way to a homey little dead end street, complete with pigeon poop and broken glass. The OnIn was yummy or maybe that was the leftover Holiday Party food. Mmmm, ham and mac-n-cheese sammiches. Just like EWH3 in the good old days.

The pack circled up and Tit-ly Winks kicked things off by calling herself and her helmet-wearing co-hares in to demonstrate proper down-down technique to the two virgins. Wait?! Two virgins? We started with three. What happened to Bloody Asshole's virgin, Just Andrew? Well, everybody has some kind of story behind their name... The remaining virgins were welcomed by a so-so showing of the Penis Gallery. Mother May I, Blowup Dalai Nada, and Roll Over Bitch stepped in for a warm welcome to the 25 Run Mug Club.

And then there were violations. The pack was weak today and only ratted out a few.

• Banana Rammer and Just Anna for bringing racist gear. I mean, who shows up to a hash carrying Gu?
• Slip Knot for racing today and a) wearing a lame MVH3 shirt instead of the race shirt and b) having to read someone else's watch to get his finishing time.
• Just Ashley for telling everyone about her cold lips at the BC. That is sooooo not the way to offer a blow job.
• Just Lindsey was sporting new shoes. She claims the weren't new, but the scribe read the word "new" right off the sole. (Ed: the scribe was glad he chose to take notes with a sharpie today.) If Gonorrhea didn't have some kind of infection when he got to the hash, he probably does now that he drank out of his virgin's shoes.
• T n Ehh acted more like Takes it up the Ehh when she knelt down to tie her show in front of Dano (the dog, not the guy, though either would probably have complied)
• Hokie No Pokie for asking Just Meg to deliver something to Two Lips and referring to Two Lips as her "better half."
• Brewmeister Jackoff Lantern, for his Brew Crew, for setting up the snack table directly in line with and over ample evidence of a pigeon outhouse. Now that's what I call supervision.

Following violations, the pack wrapped up with a quick, cold version of Swing Low and split for the OnOnOn at Hawk and Dove. This would later be the scene for a Tit-off judged by Two Sheep to Fuck. All was going well until, the Russian judge threw the whole event into disarray by claiming there was doping and a foreign substance present in the Swedish competitor. In these high-stakes games, there are never really winners (except the spectators).

1054 - February 12, 2006

Welcome Back to Town Hash

Hares: Two Lips in the Bush, Jackoff Lantern, Monday Sticky Monday, Thong Butt Not Forgotten
Start: Largo Metro Station
OnOnOn: Red Star Tavern
Virgins: None
Visitors: None
Beer Bitch: Just Meg

Winter came slowly to the White House hash environs this year, but once it arrived we were all certainly thankful to have hares like Two Lips and Jackoff Lantern to get us out to enjoy the wonders of winter. "I wonder where the trail went?" or "I wonder how many f*cking tunnels are left on this trail?" or "I wonder where everybody went now that I got off the metro at 3:20 for a hash that normally starts at 3:30?"

The pack met in the metro parking lot at the end, the FAR end, of the Blue Line. Due to the cold weather, Border Patrol neglected to leave their little booths to check passports or arrest records so we were all allowed into the great state of Maryland for a few hours. It was cold at the start and most people spent the time sitting in heated cars or doing calisthenics to stay warm. Not WoWo. He paraded around in his underwear and ski goggles. It turns out he left wherever he was last night without any pants to run in. Ever-helpful Put It Out was able to lend WoWo a pair of pants. Both insist this is the first time WoWo has ever been in his former roommate's pants.

With no virgins, no visitors, no chalk talk, and no pulse, the pack circled up a wee bit earlier than usual. Maybe 3:29:40 or so. There were complaints about this later. Are You In? led the world's fastest version of Father Abraham and then the pack was off into the snow on this live trail.

A few notes on that... When it is snowing until the morning of your trail you have little hope of pre-laying so you better be live. Also, when you're haring a trail over almost all snowy terrain, it's pretty easy to figure out which way the hares went. What this means is that you better have some obstacles on trail to slow you down. The hares had this all figured out ahead of time. So far ahead of time that they didn't even know there would be snow. Better safe than sorry, they planned nine (9) tunnels on trail. "But don't worry" they said "none has water deeper than the middle of your shoe." Well your scribe must be no taller than the bartender from the holiday party because the water in the tunnels reached his knees.

The first half of trail ran through fields, construction sites, parking lots, creeks, and parks. But what we'll all really remember about it was the tunnels. Tunnels, culverts, ratholes, birth canals, sewers. Call them what you will. They were deep, wet, sticky, and stinky. A few brave souls clambered up and over fences and roads to avoid sloshing through the streams. That worked until we hit the Beltway. There is no climbing around that one. By that point everyone was wet and, yet strangely, not cold. There must be something in that Maryland water.

The pack eventually straggled into the BC after 48 minutes and 48 seconds of r*nning. Obesiologist was kind enough to time the first half of trail for us. I don't think anyone actually asked him to. The walkers had been there for some time. Thong Butt Not Forgotten was kind enough to keep the bag vehicle running so everyone would have warm clothes at the end. For safety's sake she elected to stay in the running vehicle just in case there were some kind of automotive emergency.

Loony Soccer Dad had no problem with the cold. He wore triple-thick sock puppets to keep his hands warm. Or to hide the calluses. Loony Soccer Wife is out of town for another three weeks. This means LSD is currently Lonely Spanking Dad. Read My Lips also had no trouble with the cold or the snow. She dove right in and spent quite a bit of time crafting a rather well endowed "snow person". Neither snowman, nor snow-woman, or maybe a bit of both. Whatever it was it didn't complain when Hokie No Pokie gave it a golden shower. Surprisingly, Hokie was not injured during this activity.

Around this time, Follow the Bleeder came strolling in to the BC. He was bleeding at this point, but he was so far back in the pack that few people could possibly have been following him. Somewhere in between all the swearing and gesturing I heard something about the train arriving on time and the hash starting early and then getting illegally detained by fence-tops and thornbushes. It mostly just sounded like whining.

Either Just Meg or Two Lips in the Bush was made the Beer Bitch. It was tough to tell which was which in their twin outfits. Despite being fairly new to White House, Just Meg has actually been hashing in DC for the last 5 years. Once. Per. Year. At the annual DC Red Dress Run. Apparently, the promise of cheap beer and easy men didn't do much for her. It wasn't until she met Two Lips in the Bush that she could be convinced to come. Is that what they mean by "oral sex?"

The walkers and hares departed the beer check and the runners were left to their own devices. Some electric, some manual. The pack eventually moved on and enjoyed a pleasant romp through the snowy woods before diving down and into another string of tunnels. Snowballs flew through the air as our butts slid downhill. Blows a Tranny was overheard saying "I've been waiting since October 2nd to get snowballed on trail." Well, today was your lucky day. Sort of. Blows a Tranny was still bitter that today's hares were encouraged to go ahead with their cold, wet trail in wintry weather in a far off land while a simple, dry, A-B trail in downtown DC required 47 Hail Marys and 2 blowjobs for forgiveness.

While running the second half, Titly Winks noticed that Bad Ditch and Sucks C*ck for Crack were dressed remarkably similar. She suggested that they might be twins. Sucks C*ck for Crack replied that "For once I'm certain dick is bigger." No one challenged his claim.

The last stretch of trail was a true joy with all of the best aspects of hashing. A dark tunnel, deep water, shoe-sucking mud, thick briars, slippery rocks, and a fence to climb. After all they had put us through, the hares felt a bit sorry and provided a ladder for the last fence-jump. WoWo said it best "They gave us a two rung ladder for a four rung fence." With a Hallmark Holiday so near, I feel our hares were inspired by the company motto: "When you care enough to do the very least."

At the OnIn, high praise was heard all around for Bad Ditch and the new snack bitch, Piss In Boots. The left over party ham was still a hit. Piss In Boots held fast to the anti-orange food platform of the previous OreHo administration of Yellow Submarine. However, any cries of protest may have been muffled by the creamy, chewy goodness of the Little Debbie oatmeal cookies. There were some complaints that no one provided any hot toddies or spiced rum at the end. Brew Crewer It's Buttf*cking Time apologized and said she could do something hot and tasty, but her parents were home. I bet they could teach her a thing or two.

Beer Bitch Just Meg was overheard telling how her parents brought the retired White House Hash Shit (2005-004) back to Buffalo and introduced it to their hash. Thinking they were mighty clever, they upended the trophy and forced the winner to drink from it. We made Just Meg drink to punish those nitwits with less beer.

The circle was a joy for all to behold. New Songmeister Follow the Bleeder entertained us all with songs that were not Hot Vagina or Sally in the Alley. Ask him to sing a verse or two of the "cab fare" song. We're all looking forward to a great year of songs with FTB. Titly Winks ran through the Virginless, Visitorless circle with the greatest of ease. Eventually recognizing anniversaries for Nippon Tuck (25), Monday Sticky Monday (69), Richie Cum-in-Hand (100), Loony Soccer Dad (100), and Slip Knot with an ass-tounding 400 RUNS!!! Despite his vast hashing experience (over $1600 worth), Slip Knot tried to grab his 400 run jacket and leave circle before getting a beer.

In addition to the violations you've already read, Are You In? called out Hokie No Pokie for advocating safety while participating in unsafe activities. This morning in bed, Hokie was demonstrating how to light a fart. Are You In? suggested he pull his boxers down first. "No!" Hokie said "That's not safe."

Speaking of safe, no one needed to worry about getting the hash shit this week since Put It Out left it at home with its new adornments from his week of possession. Perhaps it's sitting there next to WoWo's pants.

1053 - February 5, 2006

Super Bowl Hash, aka The "Where the F*ck is MisManagement!" Hash

Who had control of this thing? That would be our stand in and outstanding substitute MisManagement:
- Hash Cash - Spinal Tap
- GM - Mellow Foreskin Cheese
- RA - PIO
- Song Meister - Nippon Tuck
- Hash Flash - Test Tube Baby (the ONLY representative of MM 2006!)
- Not to be overlooked, our lovely Brew Crew and Snack Bitch - Thong Butt Not Forgotten, Duck Duck Bush, Piss In Boots

Pack circled up on the roof of the Vienna Nutley metro station parking garage. Balmy is NOT how I would describe the day - 30 mile an hour winds on an open parking deck and not a snow bunny around to warm the wankers. Virgins - Just Kevin, Butt Brown Ale made him come. Where's Butt Brown been hiding this one - he's ripe for hashing! While we serenaded him with the White House Anthem, he had more moves in circle than Hokie does on a snowboard. Visitors - none

Into the wind, the pack headed out down the stairs and was quickly confused at the first check. Thankfully, none of them tried to look for flour on I66. They pressed on through this suburban trail wrought with mulch, hedges, swing sets, quaint wooden bridges, and various other suburban shiggy.

On to beer check (which was NOT at the high school, but thanks to that hasher for that suggestion!). Just Greg was our Beer Bitch, and filled out the Eve apron nicely. I even think I heard a few offers to nibble on his apple, whatever that means.

On to the end for more beer. Running along a pleasant paved path near a family park, Penis Pen Pal did his best to mate, I mean make friends with the local women. Judging by one woman's reaction, however, I don't think she responds to the the North American Hasher mating call of belching. Her loss, more Penis for us. Since we're a kind bunch (and we were freezing our nuts off), we shifted the end to a lower level of the parking garage. Everyone was very helpful for this virgin scribe and readily ratted out their friends. PIO circled us up, and we were about to re-introduce our virgin when some visitors arrived. Yes, five-0! After a brief chat with the Metro Transit Authority Police, during which PIO invited them to the ononon to watch the game, they went on their way and we continued circle.

On with the circle! PIO quickly nominated the lovely and talented Nippon Tuck as our cacophony queen and song meister. Our virgin didn't let us down and danced again to our harmonious bellows.

Violations.. .
- Road Whore for auto-hashing and still missing the beer check. Oh, did I forget to mention that he lives only five minutes away.
- Just Greg, our beer bitch, for being too fashionable. His green and gold Khazikstan hat matched his beer bitch apron all too well. Oh, and Just Greg, I don't care what you call it, it looks like a fez!
- Puppy, noticed he was running a little slow today. Must have been because he turned a year older last week.
- Wooly Mammaries for flashing his gang colors. Dude, you're in the suburbs - they don't get it. (And Wooly, congrats on your Steelers winning.)
- Piss in Boots and her dog Guinness. Guinness for sh*tting ON trail, and Piss in Boots for attempting to interrupt it. Much like peeing and orgasms, once you start, it's hard to stop.
- Butt Brown Ale for looking like a Catholic School Girl. Piss In Boots was heard to say that he could make her come in that kilt! Butt Brown loves the Piss.
- Backdoor Buckaroo for finding true trail at every check but still leading the pack in the wrong direction.

Long-time No-see-ers...
- Sucks It Blue
- Small Wonder
- Penis Pen Pal
- Loony Soccer Dad

Hash Sh*t
Our current holder, It's Butt F*cking Time, brought the new and improved, ribbed for your pleasure Hash Sh*t. Her addition was a Big Bird sticker. What that has to do with soliciting proper etiquette when making-out with a little person, I don't know. (Thank you Meatloaf for demonstrating the proper technique.) It's Butt F*cking Time seemed destined to carry the Sh*t for one more week, when PIO stepped up with a nomination for Coin Operated. Unbeknownst to the common folk, she was celebrating an analversary - her 100th - BUT she didn't want to celebrate because she wanted more people there. As PIO tossed her mug to Mother's Lay for him to read to the crowd, we soon had a third nomination - PIO. He grabbed the wrong mug out from under our dutiful beer bitch - the one with beer in it. Mother's Lay was now cold and wet. Let the chanting begin....Hash Sh*t, Hash Sh*t, Hash Sh*t. Unlike the Super Bowl, the voting was a landslide.