1045 - Dec 18, 2005

HELP SANTA FIND HIS BALLS!

Location: The Ellipse, Washington DC
OnOnOn- Capital City Brewery (not the one for RDR but the other one. yes, there are two)

Hares: My cousin Dead Snatch, For Sale or Rent, Spinal Tap, Hasher Humper, and Goofy.

Virgins: Um, I don' think so.
Visitors: Yes, people from other hashes visit us. Just not today.

The Annual Christmas Balls hash on the Ellipse wasn’t the same without Had a Madam, the head elf in charge, but we managed with a crew of other elves and Spinal Tap, who looks suspiciously like Santa, and Hasher Humper, who would make one hot Mrs. Claus.

We began at the Boy Scout Memorial (yes- there really is one) on the side of the Ellipse and were led to a number of Festivus sights including three hot-dog vendors, a gazebo, and the Carousel on the Mall.

The Festivus Marchers Stormed the Mall to protest the bad holiday decorations outside the White House, but found beer near the Capital and drank instead.

The Beer Bitch, I Just Do Anal (is he limiting himself to just 50% or including everyone? hmmmmm), was designated in an alley somewhere near My Brother's Place, the site of many lost hash memories from too much alcohol. We then motivated to move along a few more blocks to the end, where we circled up.

Violations: Goofy for scaring us in his tights, Snap Crackle Poop for wearing a Grinch hat, Shlong Time Cumming for mistakenly wearing a Grouch hat, Tit-ly Winks for having ten tiny reindeer on her hands, and Sucks Cock for Crack for scaring the ten tiny reindeer and making three of them loose their balls. Cunning Linguist was so excited that he found a ball that it shattered when he squeezed it too hard, and French Toasted was doing wind sprints during the hash. (Cwistmas, Chwistmas, do you have Christmas in France Monique? Yes, we do, and for dinner we are having French Fries, French Toast, French Dressing, and to drink, Peru!)

The Vagina Gallery was so out of it we needed flash cards….but we still looked hot.

Long Time No See-ers: Goofy, Snap Crackle Poop, Just Irene.

Analversaries: Late Night Drive Though (25), Can’t Fuck Dust (25), Test Tube Baby (200).

Metro fare to start: $1.35. Sign In fee: $5. Knowing that you paid about $1000 for a shitty pewter mug: Priceless.

HokieSh*t- Yes, Hokie, there is a Santa Claus, and he knows that you have been very, very bad. You will get one plunger in your stocking. Asking to be spanked by it will be extra.

Hashsh*t- MIA .

The end. Love Snatch.

1044 - Dec 11, 2005

"Ya’ll better pack a lunch, we’re going to Sterling… and don’t forgit to bring a blanket cus tha outhouse is real cold."

Sterling Shiver and the Ban from the Brewery
For whatever reason we hashed in Sterling, VA. No sidewalks, no crosswalks, not a singly luxury. It was cold. It was far. It was not funny. It was dangerous. I am not sure whom we have to blame for this debacle. Wait… yes I do… and I am naming names: R-U-In?, Hokie No Pokie, Backdoor Buckaroo, and Read My Lips.

ON TRAIL
Just Kathleen described herself as an avid runner struggling through some winter injuries. Hearing that made me sad. In retaliation we pumped her full of beer and put her on the walkers trail. Avid runner no more. Struggling through winter injuries no more. Welcome to the world of hashing. The only struggling is a Monday morning hangover. Problem solved.

Harem Scarem made the noble offer to hold a fence while the hashers crossed. What he did not notice is his arm was under the fence. As Follow the Bleeder crossed the fence, a support post bent and pinned Harem Scarem underneath. He was very upset and used profanity. Oh how we laughed at him. Have Dick Will Travel was not impressed and somewhat grumpy. He attributed his mood to DCA to Dulles flight jet lag.

BEER CHECK
In the holiday spirit Wang Chunks made yellow snow angels. Crouching Drag Queen Hidden Boner then proceeded to pack the yellow snow on his sprained ankle. Ancient Chinese secret? Mazie seemed very proud to have outsmarted Choo Choo in the Poo Poo by taking his beer. Whooopitie-do, you outsmarted a hasher.

VIOLATIONS
Hares – Finding the only child friendly brewery in existence.

MVH3 – Provoking an all hash lifetime ban from said family brewery. This does trigger the question, what a bunch of old fogies have done to offend the beer guys so grievously? Answer: MVH3 people were changing clothes in the parking lot. Ewwwww! In reflection, it seems like a lenient punishment.

Hares – Old Dominion beer is available at finer liquor stores throughout DC, Maryland, and most parts of Northern Virginia with sidewalks. Old Dominion beer is NOT available to hashers in West BumbleFuck Sterling. So why did we go to Sterling?

Bad Ditch – (this is 100% true.) You may not have seen Bad Ditch recently. She spent the last three days, in bed, alone, with her vibrate phone. During the events of whatever may have transpired, the phone went MIA.

Bad Ditch – (This is 112% true.) You did not see Bad Ditch on trail either because she was in the Best Buy purchasing new vibrate phone. We may not see her again until spring.

Test Tube Baby – When the Red Cross asks people to, ‘Give Blood’ the implication is give blood to other people, not give blood by running through the most pointy, gouging, gashing, flesh removing, shiggy on the trail, duh.

HASHIT
Piss in Boots – Forgetting to come to the hash for several weeks. Forgetting to bring the hash shit. Forgetting the elephant is the icon of remembering, not the hippo. Otherwise having a failing mammary.

R-U-In? – Something or another, the details are mundane. But mostly for dating Hokie.

Read My Lips – instigating a fight with a local redneck… ooops… I mean Appalachian American*. After a heated verbal exchange, Read My Lips hit the woman so hard Skoal come out of her nose. That would be the Appalachian American’s nose. Read My Lips is more of a Copenhagen gal.

Hokie No Pokie tried to nominate himself, but in the Special Olympic of Hashing that is the Hash Shit, no professionals permitted. Sorry Hokie.

* Thanks for the PC clarification Looney Soccer Dad.

HOKIE SHIT
- Setting trail after a kamikaze cocktail of vicodin, percocet, and vast quantities of alcohol.
- Undergoing cosmetic surgery. What kind of surgery you may ask? Tummy Tuck? No. Weiner augmentation? No. Colorectal bionic reconstruction? Yes. Seriously, who needs a bionic rectum? Hokie apparently.

CIRCLE
Just in time for Christmas Wax On Whacks Off unveiled his eco-friendly ladies hand warmer. For $19.95** ladies can warm their hands in Wowo’s crotch at every hash circle until April 2006. Payment by cash or services only. No PayPal accepted.

Hasher Humper spent the entire circle boning people. That is nothing new.

Just Flo (aka the Virgin Flow) was unruly at the circle. As tradition dictates, the hares demonstrated a down-down. Virgin Flo thought it was a drink along and joined them. Sucks Cock for Crack reprimanded her with a solo down-down. Virgin Flo then had her fifi dog puke in the circle (or possibly it was the 800 Cheddar Combos that Bad Dog fed the pooch). Alas ANOTHER down-down. By the time Just Flo paid for her crimes she had six down downs. Perhaps it was a ruse, but in my opinion that was some Pro talent from a virgin. Sometimes I wonder about the efficacy of our punishment system.

**Offer not valid at Full Moon Hash House Harriers.

QUOTES AND WIZZ-DUMB
Crouching Drag Queen Hidden Boner: A retard, a minority, and a military guy walk into a brewery. They are escorted off the property and do not get any beer. Funny, eh?

Penis Gallery – You can lick yourself, what do you need me for?

SCFC: You are bleeding like a hemophiliac? TTB: That is not true. I like gay people.

R-U-In?– There are a few little pricks on trail. (Screw you R-U-In?! I think Backdoor Buckaroo and Hokie are good guys)

Turtle Dick – Married life is going better than planned. All I have to do is fulfill my marital obligation and then she goes back to her kitchen. She has even given up shoes.

Wang Chunks – The last time I tried to pee my name in snow I ended up in jail. Did you know the Santa display at the mall is not real snow? Did you know those elves are the perfect height for punching me in the groin?

Late Night Drive Thru – I will give my registration now and pay at the end of the hash… (That is the end of the quote because we have not heard from her since.)

That’s all I got… OnOn Test Tube Baby